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Comment by RcouF1uZ4gsC | Hacker News Reader

> Small talk is the worst and I'm on a mission to eradicate it.

To me small talk is the lubricant that makes conversations flow smooth with strangers. You can hear inflections and humor and irony all in a relatively safe, unemotional topic. Also, since your philosophical side is not needed, your emotional intelligence can be more engaged. For example, just by seeing how someone responds to a comment on the weather, you can learn about the person and maybe even find a shared bond(even if it is one as small as you both dislike hot, humid weather). Finally, especially needed in this divided time, it serves to humanize one to the other. So, I guess I am a fan of small talk.

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This is really well put.

I've also noticed that, while not really relevant here, small talk is a good way to gauge people's interest in having a conversation at all. If you dive right into big topics like hopes and dreams right off the bat, the other person might not be engaged, but if you ease your way in with small talk and receive a lot of energy back, that can be a positive signal to get to the deeper stuff.

Or the person is interested in deep conversations but was turned off by the small talk?

Counterpoint: Most smalltalk topics actually get people to give an almost pre-rehearsed response.

For example if someone asks “What do you do for a living?” I will give the same answer I have given 1000 times. Ill ask them and they will do the same. There is nothing unique here.

Each to their own though.

> Counterpoint: Most smalltalk topics actually get people to give an almost pre-rehearsed response.

yeah, but you're supposed to then extrapolate on the other persons' pre-rehearsed response in order to escalate the conversation into something that flows without effort.

"What do you do for a living?"

"Mergers and Acquisitions."

"Oh. I have a friend that does nearly the same thing. They told me this anecdote, does that kind of thing ever happen to you?"

"Oh, as a matter of fact.."

Without small talk there is no sharing of useless trivia by which to use as a jumping off point into real conversation, unless there was some introduction or motivation behind the meeting, anyway.

Murders and executions?

Without small talk how am i supposed to get to know "the basics" about someone? If i don't know what he does, has he studied, his hobbies and what his interests are, i can't seem to start a deeper conversation. Yes, i can start a generic "what's the meaning of life" conversation, but wouldn't it be better for everyone if i asked specific questions related to that person?

Its a bit of a false dichotomy to say that the alternative to asking “what is your job?” is “what’s the meaning of life?”.

Just talk about anything. Talk about how the seats in the pub you are in aren’t comfy, then just yes and whatever they say and it will form a natural conversation.

You will know the basics about someone because the conversation will inevitably loop back to that naturally during stories.

>I will give the same answer I have given 1000 times.

If I'm just meeting you, it's new information to me, regardless of how many times you've said it! And that opens the door to more interesting conversation. Maybe I do something very related, or are interested something about that job, or whatever. Or maybe it leads nowhere. But that's how smalltalk goes, you dance around until you find a mutually interesting topic.

> ...it's new information to me, regardless of how many times you've said it!

Reminds me of a joke:

— "What's your name?"

— "Damien."

— "Oh, you don't hear that name every day!"

— "Actually, I do."

Where's Bill Hicks when you need him. "little Damien"... Relentless, Revelations?

Unfortunately we all know where Bill is.

It’s funny, when people ask me my name I always say the same thing. Never gets old.

I very recently came around to this opinion. I used to loathe it as a waste of time and energy for everyone involved, but then I realized that as I participated in it more with my coworkers, I felt those acquaintances really start opening up into something more like friendship.

Of course, it's hard to apply that lesson now...

Ya very well put. It's very awkward to jump into big questions with a stranger. That's the point of small talk.

This is a good point. However, I think one of the issues of small talk is that many times there is no progression from small talk to "deep" talk. Some people can get stuck trying to find things to say for the sake of conversation. And without getting into something that both parties actually have a passion for, small talk can get very boring very quickly.

I have a theory that smalltalk functions like a proof-of-work for social relationships. It's not strictly achieving anything directly, but it's proving a certain amount of effort.

I hate it too but I'm trying to learn to be okay with it and get good at it - it's never going away.

The way I see it, small talk is a way to properly synchronize communication nodes before engaging discussion.

PS: I was thinking about a "handshake" analogy first, which is quite funny in hindsight ...

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