Comment by mettamage | Hacker News Reader

Comment by mettamage | Hacker News Reader

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When approaching strangers, saying something appreciative in a respectful way is neutral at absolute worst and quite amazing at best.

Case in point:

Andrew Tanenbaum: I said that his work was amazing and thanked him. He shrugged me off. I think he felt busy or didn’t care. I was happy that he listened.

Jane McGonigal: retweeted my question while I had 0 followers and followed about 10 people.

A semi-famous Dutch rapper: he was appreciative.

I have many examples with non-famous people too. The rule applies to both. I originally learned it as a dating concept (a decade ago) but quickly decided to compliment anyone that I genuinely wanted to give a compliment.

The reason it can still be quite amazing is simply because strangers don’t dare to compliment other people that much. I have only seen it once from another person.

You can test this theory by giving a compliment to someone you think never receives it but deserves one (my go to: cleaners, especially if it’s really clean) and to someone who does receive them more often.

My experience: both can still be quite awesome but the cleaners I complimented really went out of their way to be appreciative (not always, just sometimes). One even invited me to his home and I discovered he also was a music producer on the side. We made some music together as I am a hobbyist myself.

I never looked at cleaners the same way again.

> I never looked at cleaners the same way again.

Cleaners are people and are as complex, multi-faceted and interesting as anyone. No-one ignored me when I was a cleaner (I'm not a person to let them!), but I knew a girl who cleaned at a uni and she felt the students ignored her. She was a great person and they would have loved to have known her, she would have loved them back, it could have been great, but they probably didn't see her and I think she felt they were above her, and didn't try (well, smart students at a uni, she was a menial worker etc).

So the gap was never bridged - and had it been bridged, simply being acknowledged and chatted to by them, and appreciated as a person, would have helped her through a truly terrible time in her life. As well as making her job much nicer in the not-awful parts of her life.

People often don't see cleaners, cleaners/janitors/maintenance etc. sometimes they feel overawed or outclassed or something and scared off. Learn to see them, learn to say hello, let them know they are appreciated (as people, not as cleaners etc). It makes a huge difference to someone's work of scrubbing the floors, it really does. Like I said, it was my job once.

> Andrew Tanenbaum: I said that his work was amazing and thanked him. He shrugged me off. I think he felt busy or didn’t care. I was happy that he listened.

I have the same reaction to people thanking me out of nowhere especially when I am deep into my own thoughts and it's awkward to say something after the shrug. The realisation comes latter. So there is a chance he did appreciate your thank you but couldn't reply back properly.

Ah, that's also an explanation.

I tend to take the most optimistic interpretation.

> So there is a chance he did appreciate your thank you but couldn't reply back properly.

> I tend to take the most optimistic interpretation.

Yes, always take the most optimistic interpretation compatible with the known facts. Best way to stay happy.

> Andrew Tanenbaum: I said that his work was amazing and thanked him. He shrugged me off. I think he felt busy or didn’t care. I was happy that he listened.

I'd signed up to attend his 'afscheid' lecture, thinking I might try go get my copy of 'Computer Networks' signed. Did not get around to going, probably for the better ;)

It's hard to overcome the 'say nothing' reflex. Years ago, g/f and I were visiting the Carl-Henning Pedersen museum in the town of Herning (DK), somehow we were the only visitors on that afternoon. We were blown away by the amazing wall decorations and his art. On the way out we ran into someone from the museum's staff and the Maestro himself (this was a few years before he passed away). What did we do? We just smiled and walked past them. I dunno....

And +1 the cleaners, for sure.

I worked as a cleaner in a tax office. After a few months I ended up spending time helping people with their Excel skills, as someone had asked if I was studying etc & I told them Computer Science :)

I have found that some people always view you as stupid when you’re doing certain jobs. When I was serving pints in a pub, people just assumed it was my career & that I was thick.

I’ve found it very important to not pre-judge.

The thing with admiration and fame is it isn't as positive as we like to think.

No one ever did anything worth mentioning for others to admire them, they did it because they had to for whatever reasons.

Treating them the same as you would any other person is likely to have a more positive effect.

I've had some really interesting interactions with famous people I didn't even recognize until later.

I guess it's also dependent on culture. for instance in my mediterranean culture people are much more expressive and sometimes tend to be over-appreciative with strangers. which I feel is sometimes disconforting because harassing if you're a celebrity

People who are bad at receiving compliments are often bad at giving them too, and vice versa.

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