You and I know that they're locked-down computers with hardware DRM and a bit of custom silicon, but most users don't see them like that. To them, it's a device that is only capable of running games.
> You have no idea how many user-hostile and abusive things I’ve seen blown completely out of the water with the golden phrase "Apple won’t allow that".
I'm an Android developer myself but I've seen iOS apps released, and I'm friends with many iOS developers. You're going through this bureaucracy lottery every time you release an update. You can never be sure of its outcome, and you can never know how long it would take. Even most governments are more predictable.
Sure there exist rules that are genuinely in the interest of the user. But then there are rules that are in the interest of Apple as a business (the 30% cut for digital goods). There also are rules that are following US laws, and they're stringently enforced regardless of your target market because Apple happens to be a US company.