How to Make Friends as an Adult | Hacker News Reader

How to Make Friends as an Adult

psyche.co

5 pointslemonberry6 comments

It feels like a losing game to me. Pre-covid I decided to try and get out more and be more pro-active about meeting people. There also happened to be recent changed in my life that made it a lot easier to do so. When I moved there wasn't a ton of opportunities to meet people, but I found a group that went out regularly and so I decided to start attending. Overtime though I noticed that I judt had nothing in common with most of the group and while I formed a somewhat amicable relationship with a few other "outliers" I just wasn't connecting with most people and became more of a face. Nothing against them, we just had much different interests, hobbies, priorities, etc. Meetup gets thrown around a (poor) generic advice but in my experience Mertup is modtly fronts for MLMs and other scams, demographic specific groups or tech meetups. Look I'm a hacker at heart but tech meetups always just seemed so awkward to me and often felt like an advertisement. In fairness I have some other unique qualities / issues / etc. that make it more difficult.

This is more challenging now with the pandemic in full swing, but it's certainly something I need to work on. At 45 I've got a handful of friends, but when I look around me I see a ton of people my age, particularly men, that don't have many friends. It isn't clear to me that they see this as problematic or not. I believe it is for me.

do you have any hobbies? there are many ways to reach out to people with common interests these days and online. having something common wrt interests ...movies or games or food or books etc helps.

of course..during pandemic times, most outdoor activities and physical ones are out of reach. it isnt easy. i dont know how men bond and make friends. i hope someone else chimes in..

good luck! you will find someone or hopefully make plenty of friends!

I find it exceedingly hard to make new friends as an adult. When I put effort into it, eventually I reach a critical mass of acquaintances through which I can find those few rare actual friendships, but it's an enormous undertaking. I move around a lot, every few years, and have to start fresh.

The old standby is hanging out at the local pub. Historically, it's been a good starting point, especially if there's a pool table, dart board, or trivia night to encourage more active socialization. Most people I meet this way are just "bar friends" or casual acquaintances, but eventually I meet some real friends and move past "drinking buddy."

A less-boozy (or at least less booze-focused) path that works for me is finding a nerdy board game group. That's about it for my meat-space hobbies, though; I'm not into sports, excersise, fishing, crafts, or many other social activities. At least not enough to build friendships in any reasonable amount of time. I'd go to a makerspace or something if there were any nearby, but I'm in the suburbs, bordering on rural.

With the pandemic, I'm not even trying. There's no way I'm getting together with a group of strangers indoors, and even outside I'm wary of being around many people.

It's easy to fall into the trap of building a moderately-satisfying online life. All my good friends are online, whether they started out as meatspace friends who are just geographically-distant now, or are people I met online. It satisfies the social itch to some degree, and there's no barrier, so it ends up being the most convenient outlet. If it weren't for online communities, I'm just barely social enough that I would find meatspace friends to satisfy my needs; as it stands, the convenience of online friends--while only partially satisfying--usually wins out.

I've never been one to actively seek friends. I enjoy having them, I miss them when we're separated, and I'm happy when I make new ones, but my friendships are always accidental. I don't think this is uncommon; it's just that it gets harder as I get older, because I'm not going to concerts, house parties, school, etc.

Most people my age have kids and families, and they connect that way. They become friends with their neighbors who have kids, with their kids' parents, with people they meet at kid-related social events, or they bond with strangers who live the same sort of life they do. I don't have kids and won't be having kids. I end up making friends with people 10-20 years younger than me. That's fine with me; in a lot of ways we have more things in common, and my sleep schedule and weekend schedule are far more compatible with theirs than with people my age. It's a bit socially awkward--or even frowned upon--most places I've been in the US, or at least in the suburbs. When I've lived in some places, particularly college towns, it's been easier. When I lived in Cayman, it's such a small place that all generations mingle, and parents mingle a lot with single people; it was easier to make friends there than anywhere I've been.

Again, none of this applies in the pandemic. I'm resigned to online socialization until it blows over, which I expect will be literally years from now.

I share your struggle and concern. There are a lot of lonely people our age out there (I'm 47).

making friends is not unlike finding love. its the same four hormones that are involved. serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins. whatever makes you happy, gives you pleasure, creates trust and removes 'pain' creates relationships that bond. this is true for parents-children, lovers, friends and even the relationship between people and their pets.

how do you hack it? adrenaline. thats why high risk sports or watching games together(win/lose..picking teams), going through a traumatic experience together(in these days, this includes maybe a nail biting office coup because we dont go charging into battlefields with swords drawn out).

ziplining, sky diving, bicycling, long and hard hikes are outdoor activities that will get the adrenaline high enough to get the flood of brain hormones triggered. you just need to find indoor ways to achieve the same.

alcohol is the worst way to bond and make friends. its hormones. its always hormones that create relationships.

re: being child free and not being able to make friends. that is a real problem. but it will become the more prevailing trend. perhaps people need to advertise themselves as child free and create friendship circles.

there is too much pressure and hype about 'friends'. the article(i skipped the research 'statistics' part) misses the part where literally millions of people are just fine being introverts or even 'friendless'.

also..its speciesism to imagine friendship only occurs between human beings. of course, 'friendship' evolved for the survival of the species. it is an acceptance of differences so we can all 'get along'.

finches dont have 'friends' who are of a different colour. thats their survival code. woodpeckers are solitary and are infamously anti social. cheetahs are like not tigers or lions. Carpenter bees are solitary vs honey bees that exhibit hive mind. Sheep are..well..sheep. They follow and they need to stick together. You dont see praying mantii flocking together. Snakes..dont even care.

The pattern seems to me that the weaker one is in their ability to survive by themselves...could be bird, beast or insect. or man...they cant afford to be solitary. with mammals, the need to 'get along' with their own kind emerged from the lack of the protective shell of their eggs..for mammalian babies are born naked and vulnerable. tribe becomes important. groups become protective shields so the young would survive the traumatic phase of early infanthood rife with mortality challenges.

Evolution of 'friendship' is a survival hack. Vulnerable populations need to flock together. Women are known to have more friends because they had to...our biology makes us vulnerable as does procreation. As does society. even as early as cavemen days, the cartoon notion is that men dragged their women by the hair to their caves. a caricature, no doubt. but that..my friends..is a depiction of rape. and that's why women surround themselves with their girlfriends.

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