I remember the exact day and moment that, for the first time I felt that my mind was clear as crystal water, silent, and could be used at command without any effort. 0 anxiety, the inner voice in my head disappeared.
At the time i was unemployed just reading/watching math/philosophy/CS books/videos, I was stuck understanding concepts for months, just reading things without really digesting them, just to pass time. but at that second, everything started to make sense, without any effort, I started to make connections between concepts and applications, recalled that day as one of my best days of my life and changed my way of thinking in a good way, forever. i was just laying in bed completely immersed and exploring a new world in my mind. my memory was like it was a movie that could be rewinded,paused and analyzed at will.
The next Monday i visited my doctor at the time (i was been treated for ADD), I said - thanks you!, when i entered his office, thanks you for curing me!. I explained what happened and how i felt, he looked at me, took a paper and sign my definitive diagnosis : bipolar 2. he cut my antidepressant and prescribed my new treatment, and he told me, that how i feel was not going to last, and the way down could be really hard, and indeed, it was really hard for me to think that this was going to go away, I remember every morning of that month waking up and checking my thoughts. over the course of 2 months, i went back to the 'normal chaos', also i just landed a new job (which i quit 2 months later), so my worries intensified. I still have the false hope that I was the real me during those months and that sometime in the future I would be that way forever. I really want to feel normal, sociable , logical, assertive and articulate as I am during my states of hypomania , which are no longer than a week, very frequents, but not as high as that episode 2 years ago.
Life treated me well,i had extremely good luck with my understanding partner, my friends/colleagues and family, they know how to turn my weirdness and chaotic mind into something useful and productive. I still have no monetary stability and I feel I'am at one catastrophic disease/event to be on the streets or dead, I have been broke several times in my life, but as an 'above average' IT guy in a third world country with a simple life style, it was easy to find a job and shine for a while and get the money to get back on track and then throw it all and repeat.
Now, Im 'stable', under quetiapine/concerta, unemployed and with zero will to work ever again in something with a boss or teams, resisting the urge to engage and get exited with projects with other people, because i know ill disappoint at some time. Im feeling frustrated that i cant do anything valuable with what i know, i simply don't have the discipline nor the stamina to do something that matters and it is slowly eating me from inside. I dream of having a little opensource projects that involve everything I enjoy from math/cs/art, all my "projects" , code , ideas that i wrote get deleted in the next system reinstall. I don't know how/where to get more valuable help, i had tried a lot of things (mindfulness meditation, exercise, drugs, prescription meds, charity, collaboration on OS projects,diets...), things that at sometime seems to be doing the right thing on me but, they stop working or my energy just vanish, so i dismissed the effects as a placebo, which leads me to believe that is the only effect that works on me.