Notes on Grief | Hacker News Reader

Notes on Grief

newyorker.com

36 pointsyarapavan6 comments

I lost both of my grandparents in the last few years, and I just truly loathe condolences. I know the intent is good, and I certainly don't hold them against anyone, but someone (especially someone I don't know well) telling me they're sorry for my loss is just meaningless and unhelpful. Close friends calling/texting/helping out with things is a very different story, but the idea that I have to be subjected to these brief, awkward conversations about how it's sad that someone I love has died (believe me I know already) just feels worse than useless. If you knew my grandpa well and you're sorry he died, go give some money to the causes he was passionate about instead of reminding me of my grief.

I hear you. I've had moments in life of similar grief and it always felt borderline absurd. What's striking to me is that it makes you feel like not only is life going to shit at that moment, you're not even allowed to be dignified as a person for a while. I get why it happens though, as I've made the same mistake to others. Cultural reflex, perhaps?

For me personally, the best interactions I ever had during those times were when people would talk to me like a normal person. Asking about things about the events themselves, the person, anything about the topic that came to mind like any curious person would. If it was too much, they were happy to move on of course. It was really nice.

Its a complex story. What you need during that period, can be extremely different from what mom, dad, grandma or the person who shows up needs.

And not all of us chimps are very good at expressing and/or being fully conscious of our needs(esp during a big shock) so don't judge people for looking like they need one thing but finding comfort in another.

Those needs exist on a very wide spectrum. And a cactus might be totally bewildered by or oblivious to the needs of a redwood tree. So you got to be careful.

The danger is when someone who needs people around is pushed away or left alone.

> I know the intent is good

Yes, also, consider how death is sort of a taboo subject. I think the simple act of reaching out to someone because of this death thing which is unknown and terrifyingly so to some is worthy and grand. To hell with what they say but look at what they did: they reached out to you. Many have no one reaching out to them. And sure, we all navigate reality our own and we go into the grave alone but reaching out to someone is a sort of illustration of this "love of thy neighbor" idea which says, "What are you going through?" As naive as that sounds.

For me, my brother passed away recently, he was there all normal when I went to class, he was dead when I came back. I am one of those who had no one reaching out to me. Nobody cared. I try to mention it and people changes the subject immediately, or goes like "life's cruel to everyone, I cannot go online to play my game tonight!" or some other minor inconvenience to "compare" to my grief. I wasn't even given some leisure about missing classes. I had to be back there immediately after the cremation.

I truly loved my brother. I have been with him all of my life, he was there when I was born and was there until his last day. I have lost family and friends before, but I was not as close to anyone else as I was to him. In all of this world, he was the only one "on my level". He knew what I was talking about anytime, I knew what he was talking about anytime. We shared the same pains and trials that to everyone else sound like fiction. We never had a serious fight, and even if we argued it was a matter of hours before returning to good terms. I had no tears left by the time his remains got incinerated. I miss him so much.

Yet...for people, it's more inconvenient to have to wear a mask or have an ISP downtime, or being unable to go to the bar because of an airborne virus. I had people literally stop talking to me during the first week because "I was cramping their style with the sadness" or people being all "toughen up emo kid life is shit for everyone" while the corpse was still being examined...

I am not a charismatic person. I am aware of that. I ramble about things and my writing style is verbose. But, why I am not deserving of any pity? All I wanted was to talk to someone after losing the one I had the closest relationship with. Then the pandemic happened and got even more isolated. I still haven't managed to talk about it to anyone, to get it off my chest. My opinion of society at large is so low it might never bounce back.

I probably have the same thing that led to his death. Still going through testing because the pandemic slowed everything to a crawl, having to be reminded of it every day for way longer than it should be reasonable. It'd be sad to die this bitter.

If someone bothered to reach to the parent poster, that means they cared, even if just at a small level. Some people don't even empty platitudes out of courtesy and are expected to still perform as normal or else.

Life is not cruel, it has no sapience nor sentience. People, however, can be unbelievably cruel.

In case people are not familiar with it, the podcast "Griefcast" hosted by Cariad Lloyd explores grief, with a different guest each week.

I have found it very hepful.

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