How to Have a Difficult Conversation | Hacker News Reader

How to Have a Difficult Conversation

psyche.co

97 pointsMurizS18 comments

This article is good, but it seems very focused on the mediator's approach--get both parties to follow these steps. Often the relationship doesn't feel like one where I can make that kind of ask of the other person. "I read this thing about having conversations, are you willing to try it with me?" is actually a very vulnerable thing to have to say.

I would strongly recommend the book Crucial Conversations[1] in this space. I first came across it in management training I took and have recommended it to everyone: my parents, my siblings, friends who are exploring management or struggling with a relationship. It takes the approach that all you really have control over is yourself and the way you approach the conversation--how do you make it a safe space while still talking about the disagreement in a non-threatening way.

[1]: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-...

Thanks. Needed something exactly like this recently. You described the problem perfectly.

Slightly related:

One of the most helpful books I've ever read was the book Non Violent Communication. I think I practice it almost daily for the past years now and I helped me to express a whole set of emotions from anger to doubt to fear and helped me with connecting with others, enabling a better understanding. It helped me both in my private and work life a lot. Highly recommend it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

The weakness of non-violent communication is that it's easy to over-use or use in an inappropriate context, so that you no longer seem genuine. Even if the other person doesn't know about NVC, it becomes painfully obvious that you're doing something different and not communicating normally.

Essentially, you can end up sounding like an inexperienced psychologist or an eliza bot. The uncanny valley of communication. Reactions to that uncanny valley can be severely negative, even worse than the problem you were using NVC to try to solve.

> so that you no longer seem genuine.

I've heard this criticism of NVC, and to me it doesn't make sense why this is blamed on the method and not the person. Manipulative people will use any tools to manipulate.

My sister is pretty well meaning but her use of NVC can be pretty annoying. It requires some social skill to recognize when NVC is appropriate and when not.

That is exactly my point.

The issue is that once the damage is done, it very quickly loses what impact it had as a tool. If a person has been in a corporate or even personal environment where NVC was abused, -any- use of it might cause someone to put their 'shields up'

> over-use or use in an inappropriate context, so that you no longer seem genuine. Even if the other person doesn't know about NVC, it becomes painfully obvious that you're doing something different and not communicating normally.

I use 2 categories to break down people who talk about NVC - those who think the words matter, and those who don't.

It is impossible to tell if someone is practising NVC by listening to the specific words. NVC is about reactions and interpretations. Specific word formulas are tools for beginners and so anyone using them is probably not great at NVC. That gives NVC an undeserved bad name; it really is the most sensible way to communicate. There isn't such a thing as 'overusing' NVC, it is for full time use.

> it really is the most sensible way to communicate.

The way you’re talking matches the GP’s warning, and I’m not sure if the irony is intentional.

I'll admit, you have stumped me. Are you suggesting that thinking there is a best approach to an activity can only be interpreted as non-genuine?

How do you express a preference for doing something a specific way?

Yeah, I agree that it's easy to slip into a robot mode with the result that the person you're trying to talk to or connect with is feeling manipulated or tricked. It takes time and practice and honest connection. How I see it is that the core message should really be about open communication, and not a trick that you use to get feelings out of another person or make them do what you want. In the beginning I was quite unskillful and used the lines a lot as guidelines, but now I can sort of listen better and I don't really need them so much anymore. But talking about that you're trying to apply NVC or methods that help to connect with the other already opens up empathy usually.

Also some days I connect more, and sometimes I do less. Sometimes I trap myself that I'm not really wanting to talk just to be angry and make point but after some time I'm just like 'What the heck am I even doing' this is not gonna help at all. And then I switch to listen mode, and try to express my worries and try to find a connection.

It is practice but it made my life a lot better.

I'd be interested in reading about your experience applying NVC :) What worked well, how did you incorporate more and more NVC, some successes, some failures, etc.

I started applying this when I had a partner I was very crazy about but we kept on hurting each other dramatically because we didn't actually listen or explained our fears properly. We were unable to express things in such a way that the other person wouldn't get riled up by it. We both did a course and started applying it actively in our life. Our fights immediately became a lot intense and we were able to explain our needs way more carefully, and at some point we decided to break up in a good way because these needs weren't met. I still deem this a success because if we didn't talk properly or clarified our needs we would maybe still in this rollercoaster.

Work wise, as a developer I apply it a lot when I see that there is some form of miscommunication. As a developer I am sort of used to fight for my opinion in discussions but before I was not able to voice it that I was mostly concerned. For instance. I work with startups, and the founders talk a lot in meetings, but don't really seem to listen to clients want (because they are passionate of their product/idea_. Instead of saying you should listen more (actually I did this a lot in the beginning), I'm voicing that I'm afraid we're missing out on clients and we should work on a way that we can ensure that clients feel heard.

In the beginning I was a bit unskillful, so I weirded out some people, but it got better over time. I don't really use the template as-is anymore.

In terms of failures. It's a bit of a balancing act in opening up and vulnerability. If you apply it properly you're basically an open book, and not always the people opposite of you can return the favour. There will come a moment that the person opposite of you can't open up just yet.

I still think NVC is a good base to start from. On top of this I also started practicing deep listening in the practice of Buddhism at Plum Village in France which also helps me in life.

It takes energy and practice and it will always be work, but I see it as a good addition in my life.

Thank you for your detailed reply; I appreciate hearing your story and the positive effects. It encourages me to dig back into the book :)

I highly recommend an episode of the podcast "You Are Not So Smart" where David McRaney speaks with Misha Glouberman who explains "How to talk to people about things", it's a fantastic list multiple times over - https://youarenotsosmart.com/2018/12/17/yanss-143-how-to-tal...

I can highly recommend this book when it comes to preparing for difficult conversations (aptly named "Difficult Conversations"): https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-...

No such thing as an easy conversation.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com