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Comment by dukeofdoom | Hacker News Reader

I was doing all these things this week, and had a realization that the older I get more and more rely on me. I don't know how it got to be that way. But it was probably doing one kind thing followed by another. And now I'm getting all kinds of help requests. Just in the last week, I helped my cousin move (ridiculous amount of stuff), donated to my other cousins gofund me for his restaurant and stayed up 3 hours talking with him about his problems. Fixed a family friends laptop. The list go on. Its like snowball. I'm just accumulating connections I guess. So I suppose thats good, but on the other hand I probably spent 2 days last week on just doing things for people. If I reflect on it, I can see how this would improve someones mental health to be kind. You are connecting with people and interacting with them. So you definitely feel less lonely for example.

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Completing this many quests will definitely cause you to level up.

Unironically that's what I told my self when I was helping around people: "it's just like RPG quests!"

The line between helping others and full on people pleasing is too blurry, and unfortunately I fell into the second camp.

People pleasing is a BAD, BAD thing.

I think helping strangers vs helping family are different. Helping strangers is a very strong form of altruism. You come into their lives, you perform a service or deed and you leave. It could be a recurring thing, like assisting in a soup kitchen or a charity shop but it is both time bounded and emotionally bounded and when you choose to help a stranger the first time or a subsequent time the decision is voluntary.

With family though, (as I notice all your descriptions are from) it is neither time bounded nor emotionally constrained since family don't really leave - they're always there, sometimes physically and certainly emotionally. Your first act of kindness to assist might well be voluntary but the second act could well be more out of a sense of obligation than choice and creates an increasingly involuntary burden.

Good for you brother. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, but the world would be a better place if more people did everything they could to help those around them in need.

I've always noticed when I am doing things for others I can't spend too much time dwelling on what isn't perfect about my life.

I have found you have to be careful not to expect much in return otherwise you can start feeling resentful.

You’re one among the many quiet heroes of the world. Having friends like this makes life worth living.

I think the key is to want to do these things.

If you don't feel like doing something, you should stop. You'll eventually feel resentful and drained if you keep doing something you don't want to do.

I only help people in the things that I’m likely to be the best resource.

I’ll help you with a career transition discussion. No matter how many hours it takes.

On the other hand when my best friend asked to help him move. I told him no. Laughed in his face. None of my friends dare ask me for physical help now.

I think the world is a better place when we specialize in things we are uniquely gifted at.

You don't have to be uniquely gifted to help someone move, just average.

If I’m helping you move I’m taking away time from those I could be helping.

Same reason I don’t pick people from airport. I know I sound like a dick, and I don’t mind the downvotes, they are informative.

You have only so much time.

You might be trying to apply a business/market principle to domains where they probably are not fitting. Eg specialization has its place in nature, but there is also the problem of overfitting, and those beings usually die out if their environment changes slightly.

Packs of wolves do automatically specialize their individuals (eg alpha wolf spends more time looking after the others) - but the crucial part is that their roles change. If the alpha dies, another individual has to take their place, or the group becomes unbalanced and will probably die because of it. They are not necessarily „gifted“ at being an alpha, but they might be just good enough.

I also cannot imagine helping anybody move who laughed into my face when it was my turn. I actually cannot imagine being their friend at all, but that’s just me maybe.

I would never ask someone to help me move. I don’t understand why anyone who’s middle class or higher doesn’t outsource that activity.

If you’re so poor that you can’t hire movers I’d rather give you cash so you could hire someone.

You do realize that a major part of helping moving is in the socializing, right?

You'd rather pay someone than be with them.

There are better ways to socialize.

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