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Comment by randycupertino | Hacker News Reader

> I don't want to live my life where every interaction is some spy game or thriller,where everyone in the room scans each other for clues.

I had a coworker with this mindset and it seemed incredibly tiring on her mindset. She would routinely total up the cost of the exec's outfits and jewelry/shoes/purse and also always be measuring herself against everyone else in the meeting room. Who hadn't brushed their hair, who had recently gotten teeth whitening treatments, she even noticed when one of the directors got a facelift over work from home. She was able to point out his facelift scars via a screenshot she took.

She ended up getting let go for creating a "mean girl" culture when she iced out some new hires.

It just seemed like a very dystopian way to view our coworkers. I prefer to see everyone as a potential friend and not look for flaws.

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The trick is see such things, gain that information, and then choose to use the data in a way that is nice for the person. That is one element of kindness.

For the facelift example, you notice it, and then remark about how youthful the director looks in that new shirt. For the shoes example, you notice it and then remark about their good fashion sense. For the hair example, you go to them and see how the home life is going (colicky kids, a new medical diagnosis, a death in the family, or pure unawareness, etc)

It may seem like 'pandering', but only if you do it to people who can give you a raise. You have to do it for the janitors, bus-drivers, and bar-tenders too. Because you want everyone's life to be a bit better that day.

It's kinda like being a culty-mad-scientist. You have to have all the knowledge, the years of experiments, the cash flow, the ancient texts, the elaboratory. It takes a lot to awake the elder god from it's slumber. But the most crucial step, and the last one at that, is the smarts to know to not to wake up the eldrich world ending demon at all.

i think it's rude to point out someone's plastic surgery, no?

> how youthful the director looks in that shirt

indeed, that why you don't comment upon that directly

This is a good way of putting it. For example, my neighbor reminds me a lot of my father, in a good way. I make sure I don’t just tell friends about this, but I share it with him (he’s about 30 years older than me). I don’t need to do this, but I express it because I know it conveys how much I appreciate the person being around. Other examples are simpler, such as noticing someone’s flat tire and bringing it up to them, complimenting a new hairstyle etc.

Another time a deli worker at the grocery recommended a good turkey flavor, when I saw him next (it was weeks later) I made sure I told him how much I enjoyed it. I then told someone next to me (unsure of what to get) how the man put me on to a delicious flavor (boars head sausalito FYI). I still say “how are you doing sir” when I see this man working and I’m shopping. He remembers me even masked.

All of this really just involves taking things you notice and instead of keeping it to yourself, sharing it! It’s worth doing! I don’t do it for any selfish reasons (except maybe to keep my observation skills sharp). I genuinely feel an appreciation for sharing things I notice about others as they live their lives. My only hope is it makes them feel good about themselves.

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