Ask HN: I'm a programmer and I hate my teammate. Should I change my job? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: I'm a programmer and I hate my teammate. Should I change my job?

1 pointmrstefan5 comments

There is a man in my team who I don't like very much and I have to work with him a lot. He is a dozen or so years older, but he has less programming experience than me and, unlike me, he did not study computer science, which can sometimes be felt. From the very beginning I have the impression that I do not fit him. Every code review looks like it criticizes my code very strongly and often makes unprofessional and unpleasant comments, e.g. "I got a headache when I read it". Often these remarks have no substantive justification, but I do not have the strength to argue with this man all the time. I am non-conflicting and I am an introvert. I am very demotivated by the vision of working with him, I stop liking the work of a programmer.

Other team members are fine and I like them. The project is very cool (we rewrite the monolith for microservices), financial conditions in the company are great. But working with him makes me sad.

Should I quit?

It depends, in part, on how quickly you can find another job. On the one hand, as a programmer, you may be fortunate enough to be able to hop jobs until you find one that makes you happy. You spend a lot of your life at work. If something is making you miserable, and you can do better, why not?

On the other hand, any change is a crapshoot, so if the price of change is high, you'll need to evaluate the cost to benefit. That will depend on your location, your skillset, and your personality. That's something you'll have to discover for yourself.

Like you, I've got little tolerance for hostile people. They cost me a lot, mentally, and I take pains to avoid them. Often, they consider themselves justified, and consider it your responsibility to adapt to their style rather than the other way around.

So if you're unhappy, and fortunate enough to have the power to leave, you can at least ask your teammates and management to help you find a better solution without leaving. They likely spent a lot to hire you and would rather not train your replacement. If nobody else on the team wants to work with them, then maybe they need a change in the team, and not starting with you.

And if that's not possible, you take what steps you need to stay sane. Work isn't always pleasant, but it doesn't need to suffer from people making it unnecesarily harder.

Good luck.

I think you should talk to him first.

Tell him how you feel about working with him, why he makes you angry. Do it in a well-behaved manner, dont try to argue, just try to explain your feelings. I know, it must be hard for you to open up, since you are an introvert. But bear in mind that in any job there is someone who you will not like, so changing a job might not be a solution. So dont worry, you wont break anything, nobody should be angry at you only for a small talk about your feelings.

After you pick up your courage and talk to him, wait what will happen. Maybe you will need to do it second time. If it will not stop, just talk to somebody else above him and somebody may find a better solution for you two.

It sounds extremely uncomfortable to me, but I know it is good advice. I don't know if I can get the courage to have this conversation. Anyway, thank you very much.

You can in most cases invest in your relationship with the person and try create a friendship which can be tiring at first but you just gotta stick through it, but in some cases I understand this is just not possible. If you think you've tried that route enough and go to a colleague/team lead/whoever, it's important to make sure that you don't approach the situation like a 'telling someone off' way, rather 'I think there's a problem and I'd like to fix it' way though and make sure that that message comes across. Especially if everything else in your job seems worth it.

Don't quit over one guy. And disregard others' advice about rapprochement; there is no getting past a lethal mix of incompetence and unprofessionalism. Steer yourself towards projects that don't involve him. This might take upwards of 1-2 frustrating years. That's why we call it "work."

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