Comment by abcdjdjd | Hacker News Reader

Comment by abcdjdjd | Hacker News Reader

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I honestly don't know how to make friends anymore. I am in early 30s, program for a living, I don't like bars or loud places for reasons that would make sense if I explained them but don't want to go into full details here, and generally like sarcastic people who can have a discussion about topics and not just repeat what they have been told by headlines or what social media tells them to believe.

I mean, yes, they can have the same opinions of course, but they should be able to at least say why they believe those things.

Also, doesn't help I moved around a lot as an only child, so its almost like I missed out on "education" of keeping long term friendships.

I've tried seeking therapy for it, but can't seem to get anyone to really help me with this, since I guess they see someone who can hold a normal conversation with them, a job, and other stuff and don't get what the issue is.

I guess the odd thing is I can hold down conversations with people at work and if I get to know someone no problem. Problem is getting to know people and making connections with people who I like. Just can't really relate to many people it feels like, probably due to my unique upbringing as a child.

I have a girlfriend as well, but it just feels like we don't connect for the above reasons. Sort of wish I had a gilfriend that was goal oriented, sarcastic, and had similar interest as me. But, frankly, never seen anyone out there like that. Probably will end up marrying her and wondering if I eventually get a divorce down the line.

Feel like I would make more connections with people in a higher educated part of the country, probably near some ivy league schools or something. Although I know that sounds stuck up as hell to say, but I just would love to talk with people who can actually think for themselves, be sarcastic, and be interesting enough to bounce conversations off of.

Don't know how to solve my issues and I guess nor do therapists. Don't know why I am even posting this here I guess. Maybe on the off chance someone reads it and is able to help somehow.

My main principle of making friends is: say yes to everything and everyone.

You don’t generally just meet your favorite person out of the blue. You meet them at a party thrown by someone who is not your favorite person but you went anyway.

The reason this works is friend (and date) finding is a numbers game. You just need minor contact with thousands of people to find the handful that fit great.

It also works because of practice. You get practice building curiosity, reliability, body language, jokes, etc with the friends you don’t quite click with, so that when the right person appears you have the skills to engage them fully.

And none of this means doing the same things over and over with people you don’t really like. Do your best to find life with them, but keep saying yes to new people. Let the people you really don’t click with sort of decay out.

So, I get that and its a general advice you can find in win friends and influence people type books.

The problem is, what if you have no one to say "yes" to? What if you live in an area where everyone is getting married, having families, and generally either doesn't socialize outside that or has closed nit groups?

Sure, say yes to everything. But, what happens if you have nothing to say yes too?

You might have to move. Not every place has enough people to make finding your people a tractable problem.

You might also need to lower your standards. Maybe there are “losers” around who actually are worth more of your time than you think. Sometimes this just means talking to someone who is older than you, or weird looking, or awkward. Your first “friend group” might be people a generation older than you. It happens. They can connect you back to people your own age eventually.

And lastly, just doing any old thing with any old people is fine. Volunteer. Go to a city council meeting. Do an exercise class. Those “pre-social” environments can become social quickly.

And remember to “hang back”. Don’t get out of there right away. Lonely people often hang around at the end of events. (But balance that with not being a creep about hanging around too long with people who are trying to close a space or go home)

But 2020 was a bad year for all of this. I don’t know how to do this stuff in a global pandemic. That’s another thread.

> My main principle of making friends is: say yes to everything and everyone.

Another benefit was explained to me by my grandmother: if I don't say yes I might not be asked next time.

Another is to seek out people with similar interests to yours. Not similar to all interests, but some. Meetups for people who like hiking/programming/knitting/3D printing/weird sarcastic books/whatever. You can even go and lurk.

To begin, simply forget the dating, or even friend making; just see if you have some interesting conversations. At some point you'll implicitly make a friend, at least a casual one.

It definitely gets harder as you get older to make friends, especially lasting strong friendships. My advice would be to find a hobby or a club where you start off with some common ground. Or even sports, join a casual softball league if they have them. The thing with making new friendships is that they don't happen overnight, and sometimes its hard to tell right away which acquaintances turn into friends. On top of that, peoples' stage of life changes (marriage, kids, jobs, etc), so some friends fade in and out along the way. So cast a wide net and don't let your prejudices get in the way (too much). Sometimes it takes a year or more until some casual acquaintance (or group) turn into actual friends, just from being around them enough (via some shared hobby or club, etc...) That was all pre covid... these days in a COVID world, I imagine it can only be exponentially harder to make new friendships....

> probably near some ivy league schools or something.

I understand that feeling.

It took me a long time to discover that “intellectual” intelligence is only one small part of being smart. I now have friends that on first appearance (poorly educated, drifters, bimbos, pub drunks etcetera) look stupid but who have genius level skills in areas I am a complete moron (often subconscious or intuitive skills.)

I think it was Dunning-Kruger that clued me in - my eyes were open to looking for things in all people that I was unaware of.

Four examples where you should be able to name a person with a trait, and where you have shared enough time with them to learn from them:

* a room reader - they walk into a room and grok all the people within seconds.

* a next-level fashion dresser - it takes real intelligence and intuitiveness, and is an area many intelligent people are dismissive of. I’m not saying you should learn to dress well.

* a successful sociopath - this one is hard to find because they blend in. Worth knowing so you can recognise them, and protect yourself and others from their negative qualities.

* an intuitive - someone who just seems to solve social puzzles and see things that are “obvious” when they mention it. Humbling. They must be correct (many people say they are intuitive, but are instead Dunning-Kruger victims).

The trick is to start encouraging yourself to be fascinated by how others tick. A side-effect is that most people don’t get much attention, so when you have a deep interest in someone, they respond with friendship and caring.

Where are you unskilled and unaware of it?

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