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I lack the funds to do that.

I found that reading philosophy helps, even just a little bit. The absurdists figured it out I think. Absurdism also helps with coping with the belief in determinism I guess, but I am still in conflict.

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You may enjoy this. I certainly did when I first came across it: https://vividness.live/charnel-ground

It was indeed an enjoyable read in tandem with the followup post. Some years ago, I was in the 'Pure Land' and in a weird way I was happy that I never 'grew up', by that I meant that the educational system didn't kill my curiosity as it does to most kids, and that I found everything interesting in some way and I was never really bored of things.

I guess I lost that curiosity during the last parts of my thesis and covid lockdowns last year. The thesis and the internship after beat the curiosity out of me simply because doing *good* research was neigh impossible with my limited resources. I remember desperately trying to make progress but when everything takes ages to complete, it is easy to lose interest, and deadlines make everything harder.

I tried to get back to that state of mind, but it can be quite difficult at times.

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