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In reality daughters are getting all these ideas about how to behave from their friends and from contemporary popular culture.

So actually what is happening is a struggle between parental advice, and outsider influence.

Now I find it interesting how you immediately make the jump and accuse the father (and it's also interesting that you single out the father) to be the bad guy. Dare I say outsiders don't give a shit about the daughter and their influence over her is very likely much more negative?

It isn't a jump. It's a deduction made from the second paragraph: dads primed to empathize with their daughters seem to be immune to this. I'd conjecture that dads without sisters, who had close (non-romantic) friendships with girls in their teens, are also less inclined to this friction.

If he’s a four-year old or younger, I’d just give it time. Trying to do anything even minutely like MDMA therapy would be massive overkill. Four-year-olds are narcissists just getting used to cooperative play with other kids.

Show that you take your responsibility as a step parent as a duty, even if he says he hates you (the best reaction to that is to unemotionally and calmly make it clear your parental role is unconditional, e.g. ‘ok, but i’m still your stepdad and i love you.’) Or: ‘ok, you feel how you feel but it’s still my job to help you brush your teeth.’

Give him low pressure opportunities to do things with you, don’t force anything that isn’t necessary.

Don’t expect too much right now, you are likely connected to some trauma in his life, and no four year old likes to be forced to do anything.

If he’s younger than four, it all applies doubly.

Stepmom, actually. Just because I contemplate a thing doesn't mean I'm seriously interested in attempting it. I'm a problem solver, and out-of-the-box thinking requires contemplation of bad ideas. And yeah, your advice is in line with my actual approach to the situation. But sometimes I worry that I don't have enough compassion for him, which planted the seed of me needing the MDMA treatment. Sometimes bad ideas just need some rework to get a genuine out-of-the-box solution.

> Sometimes, I wish that he was older and we could try MDMA therapy to build a compassionate bond... he's not even in elementary school yet; that's a great way to get your child taken away. But I wonder if one-sided interpersonal problems like this can be addressed by giving the adult MDMA and the child a placebo...

And which side do you think those one-sided interpersonal problems are on?

FWIW if you were my step parent and you seriously considered this to be a potential solution I wouldn't want you to be part of my life either. Maybe approach this from the other viewpoint: your stepchild does not want you in their life because they want someone else in their life instead. It never was about you in the first place.

> And which side do you think those one-sided interpersonal problems are on?

Mine! Did you even read what I said? Y'all having trouble with that "generous interpretation" here.

> It never was about you in the first place.

No, it's about his wellbeing. He would be happier if he was happy to have me around. He'd be better off not spiting himself simply for the purpose of defiance.

You are entirely missing my point: he would likely be happy if you weren't around.

You say the problem is yours but then you right away foist it back on your step-child because he is the one that would be happier 'if he was happy to have you around'. But that is the root of the problem. Adults will be adults I guess. Best of luck there.

> You are entirely missing my point: he would likely be happy if you weren't around.

It kinda sounds like you're projecting your baggage on my situation, which you know nothing about. Before I arrived on the scene, my partner was at wits end, and didn't have the energy to be a good parent and also maintain a professional career. With me here, we can share parental and other household duties, pool financial resources, etc. The child has needs, but so do parents.

As for what makes young kids happy: it's nearly the opposite of what they actually need. He hates bedtime, he hates bathtime, he doesn't want to brush his teeth, he'd rather have dessert than vegetables, he'd rather watch TV than go to kindergarten, and it goes on and on. And that's about what he gets at the other household -- any rule is negotiable, and a tantrum always wins, because that parent is overworked and exhausted all the time. So naturally, he hates our household. Would he be happier if my partner was similarly exhausted? Maybe in the moment, but not in the long term.

He blames me for his parents' divorce, which happened over a year before I came around (but of course he can't remember that far back). And you know what? I was open to bailing on the scene, for his good, for the first year that I was around -- but the other parent isn't remotely interested in reconciliation. He thinks he'd be happy if I was gone and his bio-parents remarried, but he has trouble thinking 5 minutes in the future, let alone 15 years. If they were still together, he'd be stuck in the middle of their toxic relationship -- his life would be awful.

> He thinks he'd be happy if I was gone and his bio-parents remarried

That is the key. And until he is able to realize that it isn't necessarily true this situation will persist. Keep in mind that his parents may have had a toxic relationship but that he doesn't really see it that way: to him this was the time when his parents were together and he could see both of them, to him you are an obstacle on the way to achieving a re-run of that situation. Little kids are pretty good at knowing what they want, extremely good at being angry at anything and everything and not so good at realizing any of this so you have your work cut out for you.

> Sounds kinda like sexism is the wedge driven between the father, and his wife and daughter.

That's a bit of a stretch. N of 1 but I (male) can easily see myself being more open about my daughters' personal choices than my wife. (Yes I read the article and saw the point about strife between fathers and daughters. If I had to guess my sense is that a dad's intent is not to be sexist, but to keep their daughters safe. Whether that's an effective approach is another question.)

> If I had to guess my sense is that a dad's intent is not to be sexist, but to keep their daughters safe.

It can be both. Infantilizing, being overprotective, on the basis of gender is an expression of sexism. I'm sure that it's well intentioned, but if one only examines their intentions and not impact, then they're not actually reducing harm

The world is more dangerous in many ways for women. Is a father seeking to therefore protect a daughter differently than a son sexist? There are certainly things that a father would do only with a son for the same reasons.

“It can be” is not the same as “it always is”. Devil is in the details. Infantilising someone or putting someone on a pedestal, rather than communicating and understanding their lived experiences, is how I currently distinguish sexism from usefully accounting for real differences.

(I can’t judge my own success in this regard, but it’s where I’m at right now).

The girl will perceive it as unfair and will react accordingly.

Also, father needs to make sure he is protecting her from actual danger rather then imaginary. For example, if you are controlling your daughter "for her own good" against imaginary dangers and teaching her to accept control like that, you are priming her for controlling abusive relationship.

And the actual danger to her is exactly that - a guy who is controlling and later abusive. If she interprets early warning red flags as "caring" or "protection", she will get exactly that.

The world is more dangerous in many ways for women.

Women have something of a tendency to live longer than men. Men are more likely to take dangerous jobs, like fire fighter or infantry member. Men are more likely to go to jail. Women are more likely to attempt suicide and survive it. Men are more likely to succeed at killing themselves when they attempt suicide.

There are lots of shitty things that go on in the world and the world likes to sexually harass women, sexually assault women, treat them like whores who were "asking for it" when they end up raped, pregnant out of wedlock, etc. etc. But it's questionable logic to claim that the world is more dangerous for women.

He currently doesn't want (you) to be a part of his life

Considering he's not even in elementary school yet, I wouldn't worry too much about it right now. I'm not a parent, but it seems to me like 4-5 year olds or younger aren't the most rational or emotionally-developed people.

Just be a good person/parent and I imagine he'll warm up to you as he gets older.

Pretty sure a cornerstone of gender studies is the idea that patriarchy is self-perpetuating - that is women learn and suffer from norms which they then push on other women. Is it not just as likely a wife was taught "the way women should dress and act to be "happy"" and tries to force it on her daughter despite opposition from the father?

> I have friction with my stepchild. He doesn't want me to be a part of his life. [...] he's not even in elementary school yet

Just be an adult, keep working at the relationship. Spend time being there, available for the play that children enjoy. Be open, let the child lead the stories and tell you things. If there is a preschool, visit and volunteer. It can be easier if the other parent is not there while you play.

> I wonder if one-sided interpersonal problems like this can be addressed by giving the adult MDMA and the child a placebo...

Had to laugh at this, you know what you are doing, it will work out.

You've described this as a one sided issue, which makes it sound like you see your worldview as correct and are seeking a way to get the child to adjust his viewpoint.

Some empathy, rather than drugging the child, might help. Try and understand where he is coming from and be honest with yourself about whether there are things that you are doing that could be contributing to a rift.

If you read carefully, you might notice that I'm suggesting that the parent is the one who needs more empathy; that the parent is the one who I'm willing to entertain the thought of "drugging".