I've been on sick leave for over half a year now. Luckily I am in a country where I am protected, but I'm receiving less salary as the law indicates. I'm trying to focus on the good things in life. In my downtime from work I've tried to start a few personal projects, but I just can't seem to stick with it and I end up just playing video games all day. I just wanna crawl into the fetal position and die sometimes. I've often contemplated suicide but I know it's not the way out and it'll hurt the people who love me more than it will help me. I haven't told anyone the last part yet, including my therapist. I know I'll never make that move, but it has been on my mind.
I'm working 2 half days a week now, and it's hard. Therapy helps, even if it's just someone I can talk to without judgement, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop soon because it's costing me too much. Unfortunately the waiting list for therapy covered by insurance is extremely long.
Covid was part of the problem. Because of it, we just got more work and longer hours and I was given some high stress projects and clients that were way beyond my capacity. Couple that with WFH and a bunch of other personal things that happened, I got a burn out. Without going into details, I feel my employer failed to protect me and our relationship has soured. I want to quit and find a new job, but because of my situation I can't just start a new job and work 40 hours again. OTOH continuing where I work now is just causing me more and more stress and anxiety I'm also underpaid for my level, and on top of that I'm only earning 70% because of my sick leave. Rock and a hard place and all that.
I'm lucky to have my partner, she tries to be understanding but she's also had a tough year.
Anyway, that's why I'm not coding.