So will this lead to a cure since I've tried 15 and only mirtazapine worked for a few years?
The last time I had it was a bad night - I took about 7g.
However, the suicidal thoughts that had been getting progressively more serious stopped overnight.
I'll never touch another fucking SSRI. I'd rather not exist at all than become the unperson those things turn me into.
I really do want not to die, and I see a viable path forward with that as a result.
An illegal and seasonal path.
I last took a dose in July, and those malignant fucking thoughts are returning.
And nurses keep telling me that psilocybin clearly has not worked (all the while advocating a pill a day, pill a day, pill a day).
If you see a drowning man take a gasp of air, and the keep right on drowning that does not mean that the air did not work.
The system is fucked - but try not to let it eat you.
Unfortunately psychedelics I’ve tried just up anxiety and paranoia. My last experience had me crouched up on the couch alternating between sweating and chills, hating the time dilation and just waiting it out.
The only possibility for getting around the seasonalilty is growing indoors - and I really don't have the space for that.
Depression for me has caused me to spiral down - so far down that there's no apparent path back up.
I've been down and out for so long that even finding work is damned near impossible - so I can never even get to the point where renting my own place is feasible.
A big help is genesight testing for upfront compatibility/sensitivity for a consultancy approach, rather than spray and pray.
My next experiment pending warmer weather here in MI: a hunt for wild psilocybin mushrooms. I’m convinced the best way to achieve my goals is to rewire my brain with psychedelic experiences.