The Endlessly Examined Life (2014)

This reminded me a bit too much of myself. Never actively religious, unlike the author, I developed (pure obsessional) obsessive compulsive disorder in my teens and fixated on the nominally Catholic identity I'd been introduced to as a child. I was never happy about what little religion I had, but I came to the conclusion that it was absolutely true, and I took everything I knew about it to its (seemingly) logical conclusion. The years of shame, guilt and loneliness that I experienced as a result aren't something that I'd wish upon anyone. It's worth pointing out that my beliefs were far from mainstream, but if you'd pressed me on it, I would have insisted that no, I was right and everybody else was doing it wrong.

Thankfully, I got on antidepressants a few years ago, and anafranil works like a charm for me (Fluoxetine, aka Prozac worked as well, but I've found the anafranil to be more effective with less side effects. That's just me though, and there's no reason to assume it would be true for others). I can look at my past obsessions as deluded and wonder why many of the things that bothered me actually did. That, combined with regular cannabis use[1], therapy, and making extra effort to be critical of my thoughts and feelings has given me my life back. Despite covid anxiety, I'm in one of the best mental states of my life now.

I'm not advocating for anything here. I haven't discovered some sort of cure-all treatment, just a series of interventions that I've associated with improvements in my mental health. Talk to your doctor before trying anything, don't use cannabis if you have a history of psychosis (and start low if you don't, anxiety, paranoia, and possibly even psychosis in the middle of a mental crisis is the last thing you want), etc.

If there's a moral to this ramble, it's this: even if it feels hopeless, even if you think you're damned, you can't know for sure. I've improved, maybe you can too.

[1] My hypothesis as to why it was useful to me for stopping episodes of rumination is because of the way it reduces short term memory while high. It's hard to obsess when it takes effort to remember your most recent thoughts.