Friends by Robin Dunbar review – how important are your pals?

I'm always skeptical of books and stories like these. If the author wants to know why men don't share confidences, it's because they are confidences. Mystery solved.

But friendships between men tend to be vulnerable. The challenge in responding to criticisms of how we manage our friendships is that it involves talking about how we relate to women, which is fraught with taboos, and I don't think there is value in re-litigating those.

To invest in solving the future problem of isolation in old age, some years ago I joined a fraternal organization. The reason was while I have a lot of activities and activity friends now, it was an activity I could do independent of what my circumstances were. I have found that what most men want in their lives is peace and stability, so the thrills of gossip, politics, and witty brunch-banter don't figure into how we relate. Tropes about locker room talk are mostly myths, and what you really develop is high confidence from learning how different - and similar - men's experiences really are.

You could get the same kind of relationships by joining a hunt camp, a hockey team, or something else where there is a significant investment in a necessarily group activity, but what you really learn is to set boundaries for yourself, which guys test all the time, and it makes guys less emotionally needy to their wives and partners. Anyway, organizations are what you make them, so ymmv, but I can heartily recommend joining one as a hedge against the issues described in the article.

One thing I have not felt during this pandemic is any more lonely than before. In fact, probably less. I'd always feel loneliest when forced into social situations that I just don't enjoy: lunch with coworkers, parties, etc. I've been much happier without implicitly comparing myself to the extroverts. I have a few people I regularly talk to, but no "friends": my wife, 2yr old son, in-laws. This quote from the article causes anxiety, not hope: "One day quite soon, a bell will finally ring and we will rush into one another’s arms, like so many schoolchildren."

I was just talking to a good friend of mine about how the lockdown and Covid-19 really revealed the people who are friends of convenience vs. the friends who will take the extra effort (e.g. will go for walks, or join Zoom chats) no matter the cost.