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Comment by mensetmanusman | Hacker News Reader

Flirt the wrong way and get a scarlet letter for life (due to the immortal presence of digital information and the availability of near-perfect search tools).

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"Flirt the wrong way" to one person could mean "gross violation of my person" to someone else.

This is of course a generalization, and details matter, but if we're going to err on one side or the other, erring on the side of the person being involuntarily affected vs. the person taking voluntary action is probably the better call, at least until all the details emerge.

And yes, pitchforks tend to come out long before all the details emerge, but that's a bigger problem (that we do need to solve)..

What does the respectful way of flirting look like? I want to educate myself.

Giving a compliment and asking if you want to have coffee/lunch?

(Disclaimer, I have no idea.)

I won't pretend to know the answer to that, I've been out of the game for a long time.. ;-)

Although like anything else in life, "be nice, be respectful" are some pretty good rules to overlay on whatever approach you take.

It depends on the culture. For most Western cultures, it is a private affair between the two potential partners. It is not unlike corporate sales. You signal that you are in the market. You tell a little about yourself. Ideally you spend most of the time asking about the other person. Polite interest.

Bonus advice. Ask about their mother.

I have made many many mistakes while flirting and somehow have survived unscathed by whatever you are referring to. The trick is not to treat professional networking events or contexts as a chance to meet a girlfriend!

>I have made many many mistakes while flirting and somehow have survived unscathed by whatever you are referring to.

Call yourself lucky then. It's of course anecdotal but I have seen both extreme ends of the spectrum.

Two, both physically very attractive, friends having ass-grabbing competitions at the club and both taking very attractive women home.

On the other hand a shy guy who was pulling all his confidence together and chatting up a girl at the bar, got shot down big time and from then on had the reputation of being a "creeper".

If you ask women, they will usually tell they want to be approached neither on the street nor the store, nor library nor public transport. They reinforce that idea by by wearing earphones, only staring at their phones, evading eye-contact.

So that leaves bar and clubs, you think? Well. they also do not like to be approached these places because they went to the club/bar for dancing/drinking with their friends.

Actually I think the trick is to be young. By the time you are 22 you should have had a lot of experience flirting. If you can squeeze all your mistakes into your teenage years, you’ll have a much better chance of doing well socially as an adult.

Are there any actual examples of innocuous flirting earning someone a scarlet letter? Otherwise, this kinda reads like some "men's rights" propaganda.

N=1 but I knew a guy who had a Twitter hate campaign run against him because he asked this girl out on a date nearly a decade ago. She (recently) sent emails to his boss and his PhD advisor claiming that he sexually harassed her, and publicly called for others to do the same in hashtag-laden tweets. Instead people who knew him at the time came forward and defended him, saying her story made no sense. This girl was struggling with mental illness and was very vocal about it on social media so that may have been a factor. Thankfully there were no consequences for him, just a lot of awkward conversations.

I think this is an extraordinary case and it's not likely you'll be "cancelled" for flirting. But when anyone in the world can publicly slander you, it's your word against theirs, and the only thing you can really do is report their tweets...

Which goes with the meme that was recently going around to the effect, that what happens a lot of time, is that someone who is just being nice gets interpreted as flirting, while the person who is trying to flirt comes across as creepy.

Which tends to just be another way to restate that happy outgoing/extroverts are going to find it easier, because they are unintentionally sending signals.

> happy outgoing/extroverts

Are going to find it easier because they are more attractive (or, attractive to more people).

Eventually this degenerates into "always signal outright hostility to strangers of the opposite sex", as that's the "only way to be safe".

And so ends civility in 50% of your social interactions.

Isn't this the whole point of the article? Like, if one knew how to flirt better one would be able to flirt without getting into trouble.

It seems like part of flirting is being able to figure out the other person's response and either stopping the flirting or know that they're enjoying it and keep flirting.

(I'm saying all this like I'm an expert or something but yeah, I could use a 'Flirting For Dummies' book myself :) )

I would definitely agree. People at large are loath to err on the wrong side, so they take a conservative approach. Of course the bad actors have no such qualms and will continue being slimy.

How wrong are we talking?

If you have to ask ...

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