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Comment by shotput | Hacker News Reader

Thanks for your reply.

The person in question would like to improve in meetings/interviews. My term "meetings" includes scenarios like code reviews, live debugging etc.

The person in question has never been a manager and (afaik) is not interested in being one. And it is difficult to avoid some of these scenarios.

I may not have worded the question well. The person in question is able to "think quickly" if they are not in a live situation. So the challenge is how to reduce the panic (or whatever word describes the feeling) that inhibits their normal thinking.

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I'm not entirely comfortable with your question because you say she's unwilling to change and I don't understand why you are asking this question. It's not clear to me if you are butting in inappropriately or being helpful to someone who wants your help.

If she doesn't want your help and it isn't somehow your responsibility, you should butt out.

But I'm replying based on your last paragraph here.

It might help her to start a private journal and write about what happens so she can pinpoint the exact problem. Once she knows exactly what is tripping her up, coaching or practice or just thinking through her options may help.

I'm a woman and I've had to do a fair amount of analyzing "What went wrong?" in interacting with other people, especially men, in professional settings. So I think it can get better, especially if the person in question puts in some time and effort to ID the exact issue or issues and then start brainstorming "How will I respond to that in the future?"

Thanks for the advice. The person in question is not just a colleague but also a friend, and has expressed frustration with this specific issue multiple times to me. She is skeptical about suggestions like meditation, self-analysis, coaching etc. She has accepted other suggestions that are more technical in nature.

I thought that hearing what things others have done might encourage her to try some of those things. They may be more credible to her because they are being suggested by people who have been through what she does.

The "unwilling to take advice" was an overstatement on my part. At some point, though, I have to butt out, and this question on HN was in a way my last attempt to help.

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