Alternately there are 5 comments showing boilerplate for the most common use case, and none of them are quite what I'm looking for.
Compare to Python, 9 times out of 10, the boilerplate 4-line example (in the primary documentation) is exactly what I'm looking for.
I think PHP might actually have a good language lurking inside of it, but someone would need to rewrite most of the standard functions and classes by going through the comments on their documentation and asking "Why doesn't this function solve the problem this bit of boilerplate solves?"
Can I ask you what your language of choice was before FB and would you have taken a php job somewhere that wasn't FB?
And, might I add, PHP is so easy to understand and read.. You don't even have to know PHP to read the majority of code written in it ;-) Compare that to, say, haskell or scheme, where it's a whole new paradigm.
This is a crucial blunder from all no-tech people I know who are trying to hire great programmers. Seek Great Programmers, not Great "insert a language" Programmer! A good programmer will be good in any languages; a bad one will be bad in all languages.