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Comment by nkingsy | Hacker News Reader

“Tact is a virtue that we find somewhere on the spectrum of dishonesty and brutal honesty.”

I like the thought, but I don’t think it’s that simple.

More like tact is mindful honesty. The tactful statement may in fact be more honest than the brutally honest statement, because it has examined the raw feeling and mined some kind of actionable/constructive information from it.

That may be an obvious distinction for most, but as someone who struggles with tact, it’s been valuable for me to recognize that the most honest statement is one that’s been really thought through for context and impact.

Tact, for me, is the act of adding why and how to an honest feeling before expressing it.

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100% agree, tact does not require dishonesty. At the same time, honesty does not require saying everything you think to everyone within earshot. Brutal honesty: Your eyebrows look awful shaved off. Tact : Those eyebrows are very unique. Dishonesty : Your eyebrows look great shaved off.

Slight disagreement - tact is not mentioning the eyebrows at all. That way you're not being even slightly false. "Those eyebrows look very unique" reads as passive aggression.

Ha, that's true, I was thinking in the context of if they asked what is the most tactful response

“Those eyebrows are tickling my brain’s facial recognition systems” would be my mindful take on the thought, though yeah, unless you’re asked...

I think "brutally honest" is often more like "brutally honest judgment." I guess I see the word honest and honesty more as openly expressing what is happening inside of me, often more related to feelings. Whereas I see people use the term "brutal honesty" often when they are about to 1) use the external orientation (2nd- or 3rd-person pronouns) and 2) make a negative judgment. E.g., "I'm gonna be brutally honest, that hat is ugly/your works sucks/you're super lazy." I think it tends to be more brutal and less honest. I'd see honest as "I don't like your hat/I wouldn't invest in your work/I'm frustrated by how little you're doing."

I like your definition of tact and appreciate you highlighting this distinction, it's helping me to pause and reflect more on the terms I use and how I use them. Thank you!

When people see they can't push you, or can't counterargue your point, they play the good manners card "you are being brutally honest".

I think that if someone's honesty tends to be brutal more then occasionally, then it says a lot about that person. There is no reason to assume that honesty must imply primary negative statements.

Also, I think that a lot of what people call "brutal honesty" is often dishonest statement meant to cause maximum discomfort. "Brutal honesty" is often exaggeration of what is wrong rather then honest description.

“I don’t like it” is a child’s statement. It is almost never calculated, and I strongly disagree with the assertion that anyone’s trying to cause discomfort.

As someone who has said some really hurtful things, I can’t tell you how much it pains me to have my thoughtlessness mistaken for cruelty.

I recognize it’s not someone else’s job to be understanding of my thoughtlessness, which is why I must employ mindfulness at all times.

I’m also 100% sure that some people come wired for tact, and some don’t.

My son is laser focused on the feelings of others, like my wife, while my daughter is totally oblivious, like me.

I have yet to see anyone classify "I don’t like it” as "brutal honesty".

> As someone who has said some really hurtful things, I can’t tell you how much it pains me to have my thoughtlessness mistaken for cruelty.

If it was throughtless or innacure, dont call it honesty then. It is not honesty no matter how brutal.

And yes, people do say hurtful untrue things on purpose. Or they just say them, but then they insist on them knowing it was throughtless.

I'm speaking in the context of tact. When someone is being tactless, they are communicating to achieve a goal without regard for the social implications of said communication.

The tactlessness has no relationship with the underlying honesty of the goal, though it makes the communication itself less honest.

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