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Comment by the_af | Hacker News Reader

Both parents are caregivers in a marriage, there's no single caregiver.

What happens if both work during regular office hours (as in my marriage)?

If you have very young kids, it's impossible to have a distraction free work environment at home unless you find someone to take care of the kids and enforce the no distractions rule.

People often assume, somewhat unfairly, that this person should be the mother. But what if mommy also has a professional career and ambitions?

During the pandemic, people who found working from home enjoyable tend to

a- not have very young children of an age they need constant watching or get bored if left to play alone, or

b- someone in the couple is a stay at home parent (usually the mother) who watches the children.

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"What happens if both work during regular office hours (as in my marriage)?"

OP specifically mentioned this is not the scenario we are discussing.

"If you have very young kids, it's impossible to have a distraction free work environment at home unless you find someone to take care of the kids and enforce the no distractions rule."

Again, neither OP or I are arguing against this.

"Both parents are caregivers in a marriage, there's no single caregiver."

Again, this feels like an uncharitable reading of my statement. Of course there are two caregivers but often there is one person in charge of the kids, hence my caregiver (singular) statement. Which partner it is, is irrelevant.

"People often assume, somewhat unfairly, that this person should be the mother."

How is this relevant to this post?

"b- someone in the couple is a stay at home parent (usually the mother) who watches the children. "

Also, these comments about "mother" are irksome to me since it feels like you're accusing me (or OP) of implying something I'm not. Not that it really matters but my wife and I (a father) work full time and during the pandemic I was the caregiver during normal business hours while my wife retained a normal working hours schedule.

I can't be accountable for what you find irksome. If during the pandemic you, the father, were the primary caregiver, know that:

- This is NOT the norm. This matters because what's more interesting is the general case, not the exceptions.

- It affected your work, in this case of a man instead of a woman, so the point remains: WFH is very hard for working couples with young children.

As for the relevance of the impact on mothers: it is VERY relevant and highlights the inequality that still remains in Western society. People by default assume the mother will take care, it's happened in every situation and every couple I talked with, and it's my own experience as well.

I'm not accusing you of anything, and if you feel personally addressed, that's on you.

"This matters because what's more interesting is the general case, not the exceptions."

That may be true, but in this case we were specifically discussing an exception where gender was not relevant.

I have found WFH to be enjoyable and rewarding, but this is despite both of us being in high stress careers and due to reasons somewhat unrelated to work (no commuting, more time around the family, etc).

We have both simply adapted and now do our concentration-related tasks when our child is asleep.

> now do our concentration-related tasks when our child is asleep

My child sleeps maybe 1 hour in the afternoon and then during the night. Do you mean you can only concentrate then? What about coworkers who, quite reasonably, expect you to work with them and collaborate with projects during their work hours? What about meetings? What about emergencies in production, which never choose the most comfortable time to happen?

> no commuting

Agreed, this is the best of WFH, hands down.

Its seems unrealistic for a couple to both have busy careers and also children and expect to have it all without compromises or another caregiver.

But many people I met seem sold on the dream they can 'have it all' without thinking about the price

> another caregiver

Another caregiver is a viable option, but then again the pandemic hit and in some countries, for a while, it was forbidden to have strangers at home and daycare was closed.

Many people simply assume the woman must be the caregiver. This assumption by default will affect you even in workplaces which pay lip service to equality. Source: me.

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