I know the cost. What do we do about it?
(1) I reached out to a guy who was interested in sci-fi movies and TV to watch at my house, he didn't do it, I ended up talking to him in between a suicide attempt and a suicide completion and didn't have the courage to speak up but I don't know if it would have gotten through.
(2) The centering around alcohol is a problem. My doc doesn't want me drinking. Other people are recovered from alcohol addiction and can't be around other people who are drinking.
(3) It is easy to say maintain but a lot of people have nothing to maintain and really need a fast answer to build up a circle of friends.
(4) Intergenerational issues. People 10 years older than me just seem to want to drive buicks and go to the casino. I think I can relate to younger people better but maybe I am kidding myself.
(5) The role of women in all this. Sometimes I find myself trying to avoid "sausage party" events but maybe that's a mistake.
Hate to be the guy with objections.
-Avoid declining invitations to go out, unless it's really necessary -Try to find other people who don't like drinking. Most of my work colleagues don't drink, and a couple old high school friends who I see occasionally also don't drink. Day activities, like lunch, are pretty good. -Martial arts is a good way to meet other guys. Volunteering, especially if you're in a unique role that interacts with lots of other people (e.g. help desk), is helpful. -Don't worry about age so much after a certain age. Lots of people like to hang out with others who are fun to hang out with, with age being not as relevant. -Try for a mix of both. In college, most of my organizational activities had majority women by a significant (writing, etc.; though I never dated anyone there), but I actually missed out with guys-only events. I didn't realize it until I met up with some old high school friends, and felt free to talk about relationships with them.
I'm also sorry to hear about your friend. It was really kind of you to reach out to him; a lot of people don't when they see people are struggling. You were there and available for him, which is rare and can help so much.
(EDIT: I should mention I'm somewhat exaggerating the differences to highlight them in this post)
As someone who's exposed to different cultures fairly regularly(im Indian American, and a Muslim) I feel this one is a odd American cultural quirk. Among many of my friends of a similar cultural background(Muslims, or just Indians) to me I see a large value placed on "chilling with your bros". It's generally a very open space, where even the quiet awkward member of the group has no reason to be judged. And it happens pretty often-- the reason for doing it is because that's what people do.
But I find with my Caucasian American friends there usually has to be a _reason_ for men to hang out. I don't know if it's a culture just pushes the pursuit of women a little too hard, or fear of something. Even with the extroverts, you have to go to a bar, or a show or something. With my other friends we'll go out and eat, or even just sit on someone's couch and make jokes if there's nothing else to. There isn't as much friction. Keeping friends is easy.
I don't mean any of this in a "superior" way-- in fact I feel like with every generation my culture grows more like the larger American culture-- a little more awkward and formal. So I'm not saying we have all the answers, these are just observations I've made.
To me it feels like Americans used to really value "man time"-- going out and BBQing or going camping just to spend time with other men-- isn't really valued anymore. Sometimes it's even looked down upon as excessively masculine and unnecessary, or even gay(I've felt this when i told a friend who moved away that I missed him and made a joke about me being gay-- not saying it's universal). I'd say articles like this reimforce the value of men hanging out with men just to have someone who gets you
I think the key here is to just find grounded, normal people. There are a lot of insane narcissists in this country that need to consume, post, buy, etc. Kind of like the movie "American Psycho". These people generally suck IMO and I try to avoid them. My personal rule of thumb is that the more time a person spends on social media, the less I will find in common with them. I find social media obsession to be highly correlated with being an unpleasant narcissist.
Just to demonstrate one of the issues-- How about if your friends don't do this? Right there is a huge barrier to socializing-- you tend to hang out with people with similar drug habits. When someone gets sober, they often report losing a lot of friends because the alcohol is the common ground and without it hanging out on a couch doing nothing feels weird.
>I think the key here is to just find grounded, normal people.
I agree, I'm kind of exaggerating the difference between cultures in order to highlight it-- but it's not like I have no Caucasian American friends that can just hang out. I definitely do. It feels more like some people are more within that isolating sort of culture, while others aren't. A close friend from high school reached a point where he wouldn't hang out unless we were doing something, while there was a less close friend who I still hang out with as he's open to just hanging out for the sake of hanging out without needing to include an activity. The experience of the first friend still puzzles me, but the second friend is just like most friends from my culture.
2)Drinking is just one venue, these days i go to the movies with friends (went to see dune recently), have communal meals (korean bbq is a particular favorite), try to ride a bike with a friend once in a while
3)There unfortunately is no fast way to build a circle of friends, cultivating relationships takes time, anyone who tries to rush this process will see their endeavors fail. If you have 0 friends, the best thing to do is try to make at least one friend by talking with people, initiating events, and following through. The rule here is that one lifelong friend is better than dozens of flakey friends.
4)I have friends much older than me and much younger than me, realize that people are people, they all have individual personalities, personalized interests, a relationship is a give and take, take an interest in learning other people's hobbies and interests, give them your attention but ditch them if they don't give you any attention (value yourself as a person first before attempting to make friends).
5)"Sausage party" events are where i had some of my best fun, i mean, unless your goal is to get laid or find a girlfriend, not sure why hanging out with a bunch of guys is considered a negative? The older i get, the more i cherish events where i can hangout with like minded individuals and play video games or talk about tech (which means it is mostly a "sausage party")
Here's what worked for me. In terms of thoughts, I rejected the conditioning (maybe even the instinct) that I need to have lots of friends, or even a close friend, to be happy. I still dress nice and take care of myself, but I'm happier with solitary activities like reading, where I can still learn from other people. I also don't hesitate to do typical group activities by myself sometimes (e.g. grabbing a nice dinner or going to the movies). I also do see people at martial arts, though it's less of a direct friendship with them.
For a population instead of an individual, I would generally recommend being okay with being solitary and staying connected by working on projects or anything related to physical fitness without expecting friendships. I think it's hard to have a best friend for most people as you get older, anyways; I believe it's better for a significant other to be a close confidant in that sense.