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Who is offering automated loans? "Regardless of credentials or connections" sounds like I don't need any credit history or anything, how do they trust me with this free money?

And I already have unbridled access to my own computer, which seems to have more compute power than the EVM.

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Essentially, at the moment, over-collateralized loans. Deposit $100 and borrow $90, if you pay back $95 by tomorrow you get your original $100 back. There's actually some really cool and complex financial instruments you can build by combining these and the nature of atomic transactions on the blockchain (you can take a loan and pay it back in the same transaction while using the money in other txs to get a profit, it's really weird HFT).

https://docs.aave.com/developers/v/2.0/guides/flash-loans

have fun :) play around on the testnets first.

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