Comment by Digit-Al | Hacker News Reader

Comment by Digit-Al | Hacker News Reader

Firstly, stop this rubbish about getting old; with current life expectancies I wouldn't even consider someone middle aged until they are their forties. Old is probably late sixties to seventies. You still have a long way to go :-)

Secondly, stop trying to define your life by "achieving". I know this is a difficult one, I'm still (sort of) struggling with this one. Achievements are ephemeral. Only an incredibly tiny minority of people achieve anything really significant, and even then those significant achievements often only touch a small minority of the world. It helps to bear in mind that about 99.9999% of the worlds population have no awareness of your existence.

The problem with trying to achieve something awesome is that either you never manage it; in which case you are left permanently unfulfilled and with a sense of failure; or you do achieve it, in which case: what then? You are suddenly left having to find another goal.

I think it is better to just find small ways to enjoy your life and work as much as you need to support those interests.

I am 51 and I still go to see bands at pubs regularly. I know people in their 30s right through to their 70s who are still going out watching rock bands. Hell, I know a couple guys who play in bands and their mum, who has just turned 90, still goes out to see them play and likes a dance. I also go to little festivals with friends who are all in their 50's and 60's.

If you are feeling too old when you go to bars and stuff you are probably going to venues that have a younger crowd. Look around and you can find plenty of places that are patronised by people that are a similar age to you. Many of those, both male and female will be single and probably feeling some of the same things you do.

Finally, don't feel alone in this. There are vast numbers of people who feel similar to you. I am single and have been for a very long time, but just recently - completely by chance - have sort of stumbled into something promising. I also handed in my notice at work recently and finish at the end of the month. I am taking a year off to just enjoy myself and am very excited about it.

Good luck, and don't beat yourself up about stuff. Just remember, we're all a bit lost and stumbling through life the best we can :-)

This is a great answer, and similar to mine. I feel there are a couple of things which happen around 35.

- As a child, you feel special. At 35, it's as if you have been out so far from receiving presents from Santa that you sort of cross the heliosphere into interstellar space. You're no longer special. You're no longer the future in this society which has drilled into us the idea of (if you're from the US) American exceptionalism. It's now your turn to do meaning making for others.

- 35 is the breaking point for carrying the old structures which defined your identity. The above plays a big part in that tipping point. You were in a cocoon, which was crafted by society to get you to this breaking stage so that you could create your own reality. The entire time, you were changing. 35ish is the point where things start crashing down.

- Along with the above, there's often another event which helps tip you over. Loss of a relationship and a job will usually do the trick.

- Once you emerge from the cocoon, you're like "WTF?" Where am I? Who am I? What do I do now? The answer is, you're now free, do whatever TF you like! Though this isn't an overnight change. It's the start of a learning process to live in this new existence. It's like you have been born and have to figure out how to walk again, except you have to do this while paying rent.

Maybe not everyone goes through this. But I sure did!

Thanks for this, it really resonates.

I'd add therapy/coaching helps in making sense of the journey, as you can't really figure out everything about you from within.

Therapy is a good point, especially if you're in the group where financial position isn't part of a problem. I suspect there's far more people who could benefit from therapy than is currently utilizing it.

Edit: Check out my other comment in this thread as well, I went a bit deeper there.

This is a wonderful post, and really represents my lived experience for the past few years. It's like having to start all over again - a complete dismemberment experience - only with 1/10th the energy and 100x the responsibilities (ie: kids).

Your words inspire me and help me to feel that there's an after, because it's been a very long and grueling few years.

Thank you for this post, it strongly resonates with me. I recently went through the breaking point you were talking about.

I think experiencing both disillusionment in being someone special, and realisation of the freedom to choose what I want to do myself while recognising and deliberately taking responsibilities that define my boundaries were a big step forward in my life.

What helped you to pass through this change? Any books, teachings, meditation, etc?

Good post.

> Secondly, stop trying to define your life by "achieving".

It's easier said than done, but once I started focusing on the journey instead of the destination everything became much more enjoyable.

I used to get angry when something would not go to plan, but now I view it as a good story in the making. Bugs being discovered in code are now fun problems to solve. I power lifted for years and learned to enjoy the grind because I might go months before being able to add weight to a lift. Now I train jiu-jitsu and instead of thinking about some end state, I focus on enjoying the suck when getting smashed. Even something simple like raining outside. I don't run to my car, I purposely walk and enjoy the drops on my face.

It may sound silly, but this focus on the journey and being comfortable being uncomfortable really changed me for the better according to my friends and SO.

<<Firstly, stop this rubbish about getting old; with current life expectancies I wouldn't even consider someone middle aged until they are their forties. Old is probably late sixties to seventies. You still have a long way to go :-)>>

Definitely agree here. When you look at it from a "midlife" angle, let's use some round numbers. Let's say that life is really kicking into high gear as you finish college at ~20yrs old. Make another guess as to the mortality event at ~80yrs. A 60 year diff, so 20+diff = ~50 as the midpoint. You're only halfway there and there is an infinity of experiences and things to learn out there.

As many have surmised, if you are having trouble getting out of bed to face the day, you could be clinically depressed.

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