I thought I’d have accomplished a lot more today and also before I was 35 (2020)
newyorker.com
newyorker.com
The man of middle years, who has lived the future that he once dreamed, sees life as a tragedy; for he has learned that his power, however great, will not prevail against those forces of accident and nature to which he gives the names of gods, and has learned that he is mortal.
But the man of age, if he plays his assigned role properly, must see life as a comedy. For his triumphs and his failures merge, and one is no more the occasion for pride or shame than the other; and he is neither the hero who proves himself against those forces, nor the protagonist who is destroyed by them.
- John Williams in Augustus
I think it was all related to the 2016 US election which is when those 4chan chaos magicians joined forces to elect ‘orange Pepe bad’ to troll normies.
Thanks a lot.
The tragic phase is a result of not living up to the unrealistic expectations one has, and the comedic phase is a result of dealing with those tragic emotions.
Basing judgment on the source of an idea isn't a perfect tool for navigating life. If someone is telling you lots of true things but in a way to compromise you, or to sell you something, or to get you to join a cult, then who that person is provides valuable context.
If you want a system, Peterson has a ready-made and inoffensive set of rules to play off of. It has a built in technique to improve on the rules that doesn't compromise your ability to think about new material (whereas scientology or other religious systems cripple you deliberately.) Identifying a collection of true things is the point, and then looking for good faith operators willing to share their model of successful behavior.
Robbins is a typical self help guy, and the value is there, but to me it's been most useful as a baseline against which to measure other systems. Robbins represents the line of hucksterism for me, where if you're playing with those ideas and presentation techniques you might not be legitimate. I think he's mostly just over that line on the side of authentic, but he often falls short.
Robbins is a sex predator.
Not role models, not teachers.
Poison the milk, poison the ghee.
But what his area? If it's living a successful, balanced life like himself, then his person problems are relevant to his self-help franchise.
Ah, the sudden school vs the gradual school. The debate lingers (see siblings).
Something vaguely similar happened to me: I suffered from a very strong cronic IBS-C for 20 years, since my University time. Around January 2022, I found a real cure for this 20 year long ailment (a very specific probiotic strain). I spent a couple of weeks really living amazingly, as I haven't lived in 20 years.
Then, on February I got the Astra Zeneca booster COVID vaccine, and as a result, I got long COVID symptoms and a stroke (Transient ischemic attack), and now I'm on aspirin for the rest of my life, and feeling like shit.
Aaah the universe has a nasty sense of humor indeed.
Going to a medical test center in America is insightful. Old folks who drive alone to get tests they know the results to, to take prescription drugs they know don't work. Tax money and or insurance is supporting this right?
I don’t mean just monetarily. Doing the best you can ethically, morally, etc.
I realize some of that is subjective - but “don’t let perfect get in the way of good”.
I think this is the secret to living well. Find the humor, find the positives, be jolly even in difficult circumstances because life is short, so why not laugh as much as possible? https://moviewise.substack.com/p/facing-lifes-difficulties
I just want to mention that in Williams original narratives he is far from being sarcastic/playing wits or suggesting life meaninglessness. Instead, it is in the sense of indifference (neither positive nor negative).
If you plan to read his novels, I suggest reading both Stoner and Augustus and explore their interlacing
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy_of_S%C3%B8ren_Kierk...
Observation destroyed that deist clockwork universe. There's no comedy in the catastrophic death of 100,000 people, in one man starving in the midst of plenty. We can do better, we can care for and feed and respect one another, as well as the worms. That's meaning we're empowered to create. Not for laughs but smiles. However humble, that is by far the more interesting experiment. And then when our moving finger moves on, no 'Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line.'
When I was younger I had these silly dreams of moving to another country, getting married, becoming a programmer to make games, have my own company and get rich (haha).
I did become a programmer and got married, but never left the country or became rich. Now on my 30s I know how limited my options are.
I could focus on my craft. But I don't have the same drive as before. I could try to progress my career, but I'm already earning good money and I know to earn more I'd have to either start job hopping or study some leetcode to get into a FAANG. I could try to focus on my hobbies, but you realize very quickly that to get good at anything, you need hundreds/thousands of hours. I could try to start a company, but I know that's extremely hard to do and also requires a shit-ton of luck to work out.
After all that, I realize that I have no real objectives to strive for. Some of the dreams I realized and they weren't that satisfying. Some I discovered were not worth pursuing.
And now what?
In the end, I'm just a blip in the universe and when I'm gone it will be unchanged, the same as if I had never existed. Yet we focus on these artificial goals set by childish dreams, society or life events.
What's the point of it?
It's certainly true that many parents spend 8 hours a day _not_ looking after their kids, but working on something. We have an enormous power of choice in what we work on, so choose something meaningful and your life will "not be over".
If you can find a version of your dreams that pays the rent and puts food on the table, you can still chase them.
Your financial metabolism does go up though, and the total universe of options shrinks. Ramen profitable doesn't mean actual ramen when you've got a spouse and kids.
I found that I've gotten much further in pursuing my dreams after having kids than before. Maybe it's just coincidence, but I feel a lot of the skills I had to learn to be the kind of parent I wanted to be translated almost 1 for 1 to improving my business outcomes.
This 1000%. I would say the same applies to learning how to be the spouse I wanted to be.
I wasted a lot of time before kids.
All of the things I’m most proud of I’ve done since having kids.
The thing about having kids is that it's increased my drive. I had a few years where I failed to do things in the little time I had, so learned to push myself to do them. That's still there, in addition to having more free time.
So it's great! It only took...ooh...fifteen years?
My wife and I moved to the other side of the planet with four children, travelled all over the world, and so on, because we prioritized it.
I find that appreciate/savour/lament his growing much more than I did my others. Maybe this is because I am an older dad or maybe because I have grown 3 children already and I can appreciate how quickly those years pass.
With the certainty of climate change, it feels like adoption is the only moral/ethical way to do this.
It’s ok to have kids. Adopting kids is nice and that’s ok too.
Anybody who's having kids today sure better hope so.
Look into Tony Seba to see how fast the transition to RE is happening.
We could also geoengineering the climate if it become a real problem.
OK, so the meaning of our lives is to perpetuate the species. Not too bad; if it's good enough for (the other) animals, why not for us too?
Ya want anything beyond that, it would logically have to be to make mankind of the future a better species than right now. Which of course you do by making your kids better persons than you are. So then you're back to them again.
My cat drinks from the toilet.
We can open a bottle of Evian instead of drinking from the toilet. We can cook an Impossible Burger instead of stalking, hunting, and devouring a cardinal in the front yard. We can run a bath instead of licking ourselves. We can realize having kids is a terrible choice given what we know about the world and choose to not have them.
I don't particularly like the idea of having more kids though. Put them on this world?
Ugh... I know, I'm a bit too pessimistic
Sometimes it's tough, but it's always rewarding.
Have kids because you wish to raise another human from infant to fully formed adult, and are willing to make the huge sacrifices that requires. Don't have them to try and plug some sort of hole in your life.
I am a parent, and absolutely love it and find it extremely rewarding, but it's a ton of work and sacrifice. If both me and my wife were not going into it deliberately with the expectation of what it would entail, it would probably end up bad for everyone involved, especially the involuntary participants (our kids).
No one can tell you what it's like to be a parent, but do not become one without being prepared to put them first for a couple of decades.
If you are, then kids are amazing, and have brought us more joy than anything previously. Just be prepared for the cost (not just literally). I have seen plenty of regretful parents, even if never explicitly expressed.
Finish a big project at work before the deadline? "Is this meaning?" Obviously no. The big project won't impact the mega-conglomerate's bottom line. And if it did, what's it mean to increase the revenue of your employer by 0.001% YoY? For you, personally, that is. Etc.
Just got married? "Is this meaning?" Again, no. Anyone can get married. Most people do get married. It's incredibly common. You're not special for getting married, yet people spend lavishly on weddings to force some amount of "meaning" on the occasion. The day before your wedding isn't different than the day after. I've been to a dozen weddings and can really only recall the details of maybe two of those.
I've not seen a more miserable group of people than /r/fatFIRE on reddit. They have insane wealth, go to retire, and find their life hollow. The mistake is thinking there is some reward is at the end of the journey. I have $30 million dollars, I've retired, now what? You either fill that hole with giant amounts of crap (new Lambo, fancy house, huge TV) or "experiences" (which really translates into traveling to places where poor people are your temporary servants because of the gross power imbalance wealth has granted you). Or, more work. The real secret to retirement is... maybe don't?
Hayao Miyazaki is still working, and certainly doesn't need to. He also doesn't believe that personal happiness should be a goal (it's a very Western point-of-view), and considers filmmaking to be suffering[1]. And I suppose that's the real reward for having kids. The meaning is the work and the pain. You'll change a child's diaper thousands of times. But you'll also get to see them smile and laugh.
It seems you’re saying there’s no meaning to life if I understand that text right.
I don’t know about you - but am a regular reader on fatfire fwiw and I do find my life immensely meaningful. I like finding goals, working towards them and possibly achieving them even (sometimes) or refocusing again. I look at the human experience as the meaning. Money definitely allows for varied experiences while I can pawn away the grunt work of living. Take it for what you will!
If you look for external sources of meaning (big house, cars) are really just looking for validation. You want others to think of you a certain way.
But if you genuinely enjoy cars, and driving/working on them puts you in a flow state, that’s great.
Most people suffer a lack of engagement at work and should retire to work on what they actually enjoy. If Miyazaki enjoys his art (he enjoys it in the average, looking back, glad he did it after all, like exercise) then of course he should continue. A rich, bored retiree is miserable because they realized they were chasing external validation, which is truly hollow, and can now begin the process of doing what is internally meaningful to them.
Asking whether something is meaningful, in your heart of hearts, lets you sidestep decades of chasing the wrong goal.
https://68.media.tumblr.com/1720120c34db164d142a9537087b1aa1...
Thats the point! There is no single point except to exist and from that to try to exist peacefully with your fellow people.
You are right, we are here briefly. No different than a flower blooming for a time. Whats the point to blooming just to die? Thats the point.
As alan watts said... the journey itself is the point.
Heaven's for those who let go of regret
And you have to wait here when you're not all there yet
And if your broken heart's heavy when you step on the scale
You'll be lighter than air when they pull back the veil
Consider the flowers, they don't try to look right
They just open their petals and turn to the lightAccepting myself meant accepting the universe. Even the parts I hated. The suffering. I didn't have to love it all, I just had to accept the balance.
This has helped me be at peace. Once I am at peace, I can be creative.
Live for others.
You (and I) are incredibly fortunate. We have our basic needs taken care of. We have more than that. There are many, many, people in the world who have problems that you can help solve. That could be - spending time with a lonely elderly person, volunteering with the homeless, building a website for a charity that can't afford to pay for a great one, building a startup that solves a problem for people... teach someone a skill. It can be anything.
Live to help other people. They need you. If you don't get much out of it - don't worry, they will. So if you're not particularly bothered about what you do, go help them. The world is full of important problems and people that need help, there's a vast number of things to work on that will make a difference to other people.
I don't have the money or power to enact any meaningful change. I can give my time or some money to others, but I'm not really fixing anything. I'm just drying ice.
Maybe I'm not selfless enough? I've never tried anything like that, so that's at least something new. Might give it a try
I have friends that have made it their life’s work to get their city to install more bike lanes. They’ve been pushing for a decade and the city has installed a few lanes in particularly dangerous places. They have likely saved a bikers life.
I have friends that volunteer at a crisis center and all they do is talk with people who need help. They aren’t making big changes but are positively impacting the lives of people around them.
There are so many meaningful ways to improve the world around you that don’t require you to have millions of dollars or to go into politics.
These sound like the same thing to me.
Now the scale that our minds grapple with is infinite: We know we’re a tiny part of an infinite universe, our tribe is billions of people.
My solution is focus. Reduce the scale of your concern to where you can have an impact. You can certainly have an impact on the people around you. If that doesn’t seem worthwhile, try to figure out why the people you’re close to matter so little to you.
Nice. That’s going in my quote collection.
That is very well said; I appreciated reading it
You've now adjusted somewhat to the new reality but the sense of what would really be valuable is stuck in the past. It's ok to, and even necessary, to adjust your sense of what's valuable and meaningful. Yes, you probably won't make world scale changes, but that doesn't mean the more ordinary things one can do to serve others is meaningless. It's just different meaning.
There's a book, Ordinary by Michael Horton, the first two chapters of which were instrumental in helping me make a transition like this. That book is coming from a Christian worldview so some will object to that perspective. Unfortunately I don't know of anything like it from a secular perspective that I could recommend.
Don’t forget to give your social batteries a jump start if needed before evaluating long term goals. It’s hard to care when you’ve not had your quota of social interaction filled in a while. Caring about stuff is a positive side effect of ego, and ego needs social interaction for fuel (I might be talking nonsense here biologically, pinch of salt)
Whether this is relevant or not I wish you the best in finding the thing that clicks
I came to believe that everyone is in that same boat. Those we look up to as having made "meaningful" change were just the right people in the right place and time and had relatively little control over that destiny. That probably won't be me or you, but it definitely won't happen to someone that starves to death, dies from a preventable illness or is just fighting to survive each day. So, I came to believe that the greatest leverage I have for making change in the world is to remove barriers for as many other people as possible and just increase the pool of people that might be the right person in the right place and time to solve the really big problems we all face.
Furthermore, spreading the idea that helping others is the best way to help the world can leverage a network effect. You might help the person that helps the person that is then able to solve a really big problem.
I did sell a company and make a lot of money. Does not change much. Did not make me feel successful or somehow complete as a human being.
HN is a poor substitute for seeing a therapist. You are not alone and millions of people feel the way you do from time to time. If this problem feels “bigger” than you, find someone to talk to about it.
Says who? The tad bit of encouragement you give a younger person could change the entire direction of their life, and you may never hear about it. We don't get to know all the ways we influence others.
You don't need to look far to find someone who is hungry; sure many people on this orange site may not be hungry of food but I bet there are many who starved of love. It really doesn't take much to offer an ear to someone in this lonely day and age.
Perhaps it's part of my religious background but I personally find that if the foundation of one's life is based on material things, then one is in a constant state of unhappiness. I come from a country that is considered poor but Western standards, however looking back I realize that the West is wealthy yet poor at the same time. Most are just busy worshiping money, sex, status or power. It's like we forgot about our humanity.
So yes, you may not be able to change _the_ world but you can change _one_ world at a time.
They also had poor sanitary practices at the hospices and would contract HIV.
She is very much NOT a saint.
https://medium.com/lessons-from-history/the-dark-side-of-mot...
_Everyone_ will be completely forgotten. I think the obsession with "legacy" is a fools errand. Making a positive impact yo those around you, big or small, _for the sake of it_ is a more reasonable approach, IMO.
Even the most successful person will be forgotten[1] within a few generations.
1. Forgotten as a person, but possibly reduced to a name and a title without knowing eye color or personality.
The jury is still out, but I wouldn't bet against entropy. Cloud companies do not yet have a clear guidance on what to do with data belonging to deceased users, but if that data is not profitable, it'll likely be deleted[1]. Phones and NAS devices will end up in the attic or landfill: sure programmer-archeologists of the future may encounter some with partially recoverable files, but most of the present day data will be lost.
1. I missed a payment to a SaaS provider by a week (I was traveling) and irrevocably lost data. When the payments stop due to infirmity or death, the data will be deleted.
I also heard something like, "everybody wants to help the world, nobody wants to help mom do dishes."
Enjoy the little things and do what you can to make the people around you a little happier. That's the secret to a good life.
Contrary to popular belief, history was never written by great men.
You might associate a few individuals with the great movements of history, but the people you know by name only echoed the popular opinion of their time.
The real wheels of history inch forward when common people influence their neighbours and children to strive for something a little better than the status quo.
Do something. Take the smallest step that is recognisably in the direction you want society to go.
Im very selfish I get nothing out of helping others but I do it anyway and usually it ends up hurting the person I am trying to help, as the help is unwanted or the way I was helping was unwanted. You would think people would just be grateful for you trying but it turns out they are just as focused on themselves as myself.
It seems most people don't really want help they want some one to boss around and they call that help. I have no interest in being some ones lacky for no ones benefit but theirs in the same way no one wants to be my lacky.
Helping people is easy helping people in a way they won't hate you for it is very difficult.
Now you're writing off all charity and volunteerism because of it? Get real. This is just lazy nihilism.
I didn't really set out to help them, either. Just kinda kept saying yes until they expected me to keep saying yes and became 'surprised' if I hesitated when they asked for too much. It was easy for me most of the time, having the freedom of being single and tons of free time.
And these are good people. People I like and am still friends with. Maybe not the most introspective people, but then again probably human nature at work.
My selfish motivation for helping was to be liked or respected more. And it made feel good. I got what I wanted but there is also a cost.
For example you'r comment to "Get real" what does that mean? I assume you don't think I am a robot I assume you mean it as genuinely trying to help in the way you might tell an addict to get real or grow up its a platitude telling them to stop doing the thing they know is bad.
A few years ago I would have agreed with you but I have had a realisation about the way I try to help people, does it help them?
Will they stop being addicted? probably not, most likely they have heard it before and will just take offence at being talked down to they will double down on the bad behaviour out of spite.
Does it help me? When I tell people to grow up it boosts my ego makes me feel like I know what I am talking about, like their problems are so easily solved if only they where on my level of understanding.
When I realise that my style of help, helps no one and nothing but my ego is it really help? No it's not, its simply me being arrogant.
When I realise that my style of help is no help at all should I continue to subject people to it? No it's not helpful to do so, I don't need my ego stroked and I don't want to hurt others with my good intentions.
This doesn't mean that I am agains't helping others I simply realised a problem with how I specifically was trying to help others, I was just trying to boost my ego.
I wish I could claim this realisation as my own but in truth it was pointed out to me. If some one pointed out that your idea of help was the same as mine could you accept this realisation or would you become resentful?
Are most of those in the context of your work or also in the context of family, friends and neighbors?
I’ve had mixed reactions with work, but usually good reactions when helping people in my social circle.
It is and I would like to change it tbh but I mostly don't want people to resent me.
I think the issue that cause those bad experiences is specifically I try to help when its not wanted and I find it difficult to figure out when help is actually wanted. Often people will say "Im fine" when they are not and really want some one to show interest and listen to them. Some times they are fine and are tired of every one prying, I just don't have the emotional intelligence to determine between the two.
Its easier (safer) for me to do nothing and wait for some one to explicitly ask me for help which never happens, no one wants to be a burden even tho I would quite welcome the burden.
I recognise this problem is solely a me problem and I would like to improve on this but its difficult to know when to help and when to leave alone. Some one else suggested I "get real" but I don't know what that means or how to do that. I tried touching grass it was wet still no idea how to help people without them explicitly asking.
Thanks for replying I think the differences between helping in work and social is true and something I haven't really considered before perhaps that can help me understand when to help.
> Live for others.
What’s the point of that? They are a blip in the universe just the same. Adding one level of indirection doesn’t solve the existential problem.
You can argue those goals are just external influences that got imprinted in you in a period of your life in which you were prone to start dreaming.
Still, why not follow the goals you feel you should pursue?
Do what makes you happy, do what you can look back and say "that was cool", write a book you would read with your life actions.
I think that's the problem I tried to describe: I don't have any.
It seems everyone has goals that they put aside for one reason or another. I achieved the majority of the goals I had, dropped some that made no sense and now there's no path set out anymore. I don't feel I should pursue anything.
Then don’t. I also think it is all meaningless, a blip of order in a system of chaos that “we” exist and “we” are able to think about it.
Play the game, do not play the game, it does not make a difference unless you want to think it makes a difference. I have little kids, and I am not in any pain, so I like playing the game and seeing what I can do to provide for their future security.
Maybe I would not if I was in much worse circumstances, such as super sick or economically disadvantaged.
Be careful. You might regret this, or at least wished you'd done otherwise.
Some years ago I bought a guitar. Worked at it initially - got distracted - and then put it aside. I now realize had I continued to pick it up everyday (or so) for say 20 to 30 mins I'd be able to play well enough by now. Perhaps not Hendrix or Page but enough to enjoy myself :)
What's the point?
The joy you brinb into the world. For yourself, and for others.
Pretty much anything else is overrated.
My wife got me a guitar as either a nice decoration piece or something I could actually use if I wanted to. I never had the opportunity to learn that when I was a kid, so I tried to learn it.
Quickly I realized I'd need to practice at least an hour a day for years before I could play one single song from my favorite band. It just made me quit after a few months.
Worst part is that I knew that when I started. I told myself "I'll practice just a bit and when I'm 50 I'll be good at it".
The problem is that I realized I did not enjoy practicing it every day. Drills, exercises over and over. It seems to me I enjoy the idea of being a person that can play the guitar well, but I don't really enjoy the journey to that.
For a long time, my only goal was to make the finger exercises sound good. Play them with a metronome and push the number higher and higher. Integrate little licks into the practice routine, keeping pace with the metronome. My guitar teacher was _extremely_ motivated and this was contagious.
Before I knew it, I could easily play most pop songs and many rock songs. I didn’t even notice when I became able to play Muse because my interests had shifted by then. I joined a band and stayed with them for 5 years…
(Addendum)
… until I quit because having two little kids doesn’t mix well with a highly motivated band on the side. I guess I also had kind of a music playing burnout because the band was kinda toxic.
Haven’t touched the guitar for two years now, but I‘ll probably pick it up soon again, and learn new songs. Maybe record a reinterpretation of some electronic music I dig. Or make electronic music with guitar elements, like the late Daft Punk or something.
I'm no prodigy and could play stuff in a few months (heavy metal), maybe a year. But that's only because I played actual songs along with the drills.
That sounds like hybris. I am not disagreeing that you can alter it to a degree, but it is certainly not something you choose. Just think about how you feel when you are ill and now think of people with allergies for example, that can always feel ill depending on circumstances.
These limits exist always and they are different from person to person and these limits are not always set by (obvious) illnesses, but by the body in general.
edit: limit => limits
But I decided that I wanted more so I let my hobbies grow a bit and changed employer. Sure I'm not a million miles from where i was but I'm not in the same place.
Once I took the first steps the next got easier and I started to look for more opportunities. Find your first step, it should be small but in the right direction. Ask to take lead on something at work or push yourself in your hobby.
What I think everyone with kids should have as one of their goals is to get them one step up the ladder. Give them a slightly better chance than you had. Most successful people have successful parents, very few start from zero. My parents were middle class but I'm upper middle class.
Do you just randomly put them out there and work for it so you can tick that checkbox?
Take for example starting a company. I had that goal before and today I know that'd take an enormous amount of effort and would take me away from my family and the few hobbies I have. All that doesn't guarantee I can make it, since the majority of companies fail and luck plays a huge factor there.
I could set that as a goal, but is it worth it?
Most people I talk to when we dive into why they set a particular goal for themselves, it comes down to a childhood dream or something set by society. That's why I don't see the point.
My point is, you're not considering all of the things you don't know, because you can't. It isn't just about "start a company that will probably fail based on the % of companies that actually succeed". It's about "who will I meet while trying to start the company, that could turn into a life long friend", or "what skills do I know so little about that I'll be required to exercise while starting my company that may blossom into a passion I never knew about", or "what sort of example could I be setting for my kids/family/friends who might be on the fence in regards to taking their own leaps of faith"?
We're all too quick to assume we know the outcome of things, and we too easily forget the crazy, spontaneous circumstances of our youth that grew out into huge parts of our lives; that possibility doesn't go away when you're older, it's just most people tend to stop letting their lives have any risk or slack in them that could introduce those sorts of catalyst events.
Thank you for this.
oh really? How one can cultivate drive if she, for example, has had several burnouts from what she used to had a drive for and it was the only thing that ever interested her for whole life? Or if he reached the ‘plateau of sustainability’ and just bored and, again, it was the only activity that kept him from strong suicidal thoughts? There is a possible case when someone just don’t give a shit about nothing through his life, what’s then? Cultivate a drive along with unstoppable thoughts continuously going to your head like ‘There is no point in absolutely anything’. And please, don’t confuse these examples with psychological diseases
I think this is your problem: you see artificial goals as a bad thing.
It essentially covers the life of an assistant lit professor born in 1891 that ended up not living up to his expectations in all areas of life and how he handles them internally. It really helped me draw meaning from my life again while I see friends have their money making them money and fly upwards in their careers and build their families.
The problem with 'living up to your expectations' is that too often it's about material goods that are unbelievably fleeting and temporary. This book, followed through to the end, really helps focus in on that.
It was given to me by my dissertation chair during post-grad work. He was attempting to point me to the fact that life doesn't have to be hustle and bustle and break-neck for money. I took it to mean that he thought I should quit school and go back to the farm. There's a lesson in there about clear communication, I think.
There are wonderful passages like: “In his extreme youth Stoner had thought of love as an absolute state of being to which, if one were lucky, one might find access; in his maturity he had decided it was the heaven of a false religion, toward which one ought to gaze with an amused disbelief, a gently familiar contempt, and an embarrassed nostalgia. Now in his middle age he began to know that it was neither a state of grace nor an illusion; he saw it as a human act of becoming, a condition that was invented and modified moment by moment and day by day, by the will and the intelligence and the heart.”"
It changed my view on love and relationships.
Then you hit your 40s and you realize that since you're going to die anyway, why waste the time and die bored and mediocre? So you start appreciating things and choosing to do stuff that interests you, whatever that is.
YMMV obviously and N=1. But unless you have a terminal disease "I've hit 30 and my life is basically over" is just BS you're telling yourself.
I also haven't bought a Harley or have the will to do anything of the sorts.
Guess I just have to figure out how to come out of it. It's been a slog and right now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, hehe.
It sure sounds like it. Regarding "buying a Harley" I think that can act as a shorthand for "realizing life is short and doing something for yourself now that you have the means and while you can enjoy it", which is a good idea in my opinion.
No seriously though the other reason 35-year-olds buy a motorcycle or convertible or similar pleasure vehicle is that they actually can afford it, unlike new grads just out of school? (I differentiate the pleasure vehicle from the utility vehicle; if you buy a little 125cc motorcycle as a car-alternative for zooming around town that's quite different than the speed machines, or the massive touring motorcycles that get SUV-grade gas mileage.)
Anyway, this is one of the positive parts of middle age — maybe you're not actually rich, but you're usually much better off then you were in your twenties, might have a good start on a home or a retirement, and can afford a few personal luxuries, or children.
The "(hopefully)" is interesting! Living in an Arabic country and having many Mediterranean colleagues I recently started to appreciate that different cultures have a very different point of view on when kids should leave their parents house. For them it is perfectly normal to stay with their parents until the age of 25-30, while e.g. in Germany this would be considered quite weird already.
Narrator: "And his life just got shorter"
One thing that has changed is how things seem more transitory, instead of something being THE thing, it's just the thing here and now, and it will all change before long. Which whilst it always made sense, I never really internalised it.
Given this trajectory it seems like there's maybe a risk that I'll end up as a hermit in the woods... but would that be so bad, if I were an extremely fulfilled and satisfied hermit?
You don't have to be a Manager, and you don't have to be rich. Focus on being happy instead.
Hopefully by the time I hit 45 I'll have saved enough to retire, uninstall VS Code forever, and enjoy the woods for the rest of my life :)
I wouldnt categorize my internal struggles this way. Because I have already hit this point (below) despite being in my mid 30's now.
>you realize that since you're going to die anyway, why waste the time and die bored and mediocre?
That said, the struggle I find is its all a sliding scale. That I am butting up against realistic time limits.
That pushing more here (ie: career) means i have to sacrifice something else or re-prioritize a hobby, family, etc. And I have a good equilibrium. So how do i do it while no upsetting that and maintaining the things that keep me grounded and from burning out.
Ultimately i KNOW patience and waiting for the right time is probably the right answer. But life happens, and a buddy of mine, same age and kids and all just passed, and it again will make you reconsider perspective (for me, on several different "planes".)
One thing i have realized is that many that are very successful in a traditional sense, dont always have the best equilibrium and have achieved that at a cost. And I am not sure if thats a cost im willing to risk.
I really need a damn vacation maybe.
> I really need a damn vacation maybe.
We should both make this happen. I'm going to plan today not tomorrow.
Personally I think desire can be distilled down to basic things, and we just devise abstractions to satisfy them. If it's no longer clear how x or y would bring any satisfaction, then you won't long for it. Or some other desire is in conflict and you need to resolve it. I think we also become more risk-averse when times are generally good/stable, and excuses are a good defense mechanism.
Given the implied restlessness of your question, maybe you need to mull further on what it is you think is lacking. You mentioned career: maybe money isn't the deciding factor as to whether you should advance. You mentioned hobbies: sinking hundreds of hours by habitually sticking to them is what makes something a hobby, so do you like them or not? You mentioned starting a company: what is alluring about this? What does it satisfy?
Maybe it's easier to answer: do you feel stagnant and bored?
I felt the same way in my 30s. The thing that changed it for me was when my father passed away, my mother was diagnosed with dementia, and the pandemic. I started to realize that life is really short and it made me think a lot about what it all meant. I think you've also come to realize that there really is no point, so you can either be depressed about it and not do anything or you can just do things that bring you enjoyment. Some people find enjoyment in help others and volunteering (I don't) and will say that's the meaning of life. Other's will say finding enjoyment in the process of something is the meaning of life (I don't). I think it's different for everyone and part of life is defining the game. Everyone wants validation that their rules of life are the right rules.
I'm in my late 40s now and I just focus on whatever I want to do that I enjoy - hanging out with friends, spending time with my family, not stressing too much about work, entertaining myself with my hobbies.
On hobbies - I'll pick up hobbies just to try them out now. I have no expectations any longer. If it sticks, it sticks, if it doesn't, I don't care that much. I've come to realize I just really like to try new things, and learning the depth doesn't interest me. If i'm inspired to pick it up again, I do. There's probably some self-help/hustle porn out there that dissuades this, but I enjoy it.
In the end, everything is pointless and it can be either depressing or liberating.
So all you described - just do the things that you feel are enjoyable or meaningful - it doesn't have to be a startup, it can be as much as caring for elderly or even running naked in the forrest, whatever it is.
Heh, reminds me of the Total Perspective Vortex.
the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the second best time is right now. To continue with the QOTDs: today you're the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be, get started.
The point of hobbies is not "getting good at them". It's enjoying them for their own sake. Otherwise they turn into ... work.
> I'm just a blip in the universe and when I'm gone it will be unchanged, the same as if I had never existed.
Yes. The Universe doesn't expect or have any special plans for you.
But hey, that is not that bad. Consider the opposite. The Whole universe having a plan for you. The whole infinite Cosmos. Just thinking about you and having a plan for you.
I don't know about you. But it would give me a panic attack.
It's ok that the Universe doesn't have a plan for you. This frees you to assign your life whatever meaning you want - and to change it at any point! You can also feel gratified about fulfilling your self-assigned potential or feel extremely disapointed if you did not. Or, change them again. Some hold that the secret to happiness is having the right expectations about oneself.
> And now what?
Therapy worked for me.
First off, that's a bold statement that I need something to back it up, unless it's just your opinion.
For the sake of argument, let's say it is true, though. Is the more likely reason that there are different societal pressures, expectations, and outlets inherent in different cultures, causing different mental health outcomes and needs?
Why? It's just a simple statement of (alleged) fact. Like, say, "Shaker furniture isn't really a thing in Australia"; that can be true or false, but WTF is particularly "bold" about it?
> that I need something to back it up,
Why? That assumes everyone having regular therapy is the default and not having it is the weird exception. What's to say it isn't the other way around, so you are the one who needs to back up their statement?
But OK, let me disabuse you of your misconception: The only place I've ever heard of people undergoing years-long regular psychotherapy are pop-cultural references, film and TV... American film and TV. I get my films and TV perhaps mostly from Scandinavia, Germany and Britain, but as I'm sure you know America exerts a huge pop culture pressure in Europe. But in none of that is "I can't on Thursday afternoon, that's when I see my shrink" a cliché like it is in American stuff. (Not to forget, as late as the 1990s that whole trope was used self-ironically in at least one but I think several films by Woody Allen, making fun of his own neuroticism -- because back then it still wasn't the norm in America either.)
Needless to say, I've never come across the phenomenon in real life either, in any of the Northern European countries I more-or-less regularly frequent. You'd think if it was even remotely normal here I'd have come across a remark like "X couldn't join us today because of their regular therapy session" at least once in the last four decades, but I haven't.
> unless it's just your opinion.
It's a claim of fact, provable or disprovable; it literally can't be an "opinion". And, as per the above, all evidence I've ever seen strongly points towards the statement being true.
> For the sake of argument, let's say it is true, though.
Nah, not "for the sake of argument". Let's say it's true because it is.
> Is the more likely reason that there are different societal pressures, expectations, and outlets inherent in different cultures, causing different mental health outcomes and needs?
Yeah, sure. Mainly, AFAICT, because seeing your shrink once or twice a week like you see your barber every few weeks isn't a fashion accessory necessary for your status in the rest of the world like it seems to be for the American (upper?) middle class. Which IMO seems to indicate that the societal pressures, expectations, and outlets inherent in most other cultures are healthier than those of the American one. HTH!
There are forms of therapy as interventions that are generally shown to be effective according to research (e.g. CBT and variants), and I think we'd be rid of a lot of confusion by better distinguishing one therapy from another.
If seeing a therapist is to be maintained indefinitely, then it's not triggering meaningful long-term change. You can't chalk up a problem of this scale to a matter of education.
Why can't I do that? It seems to me that if different countries have much better generalised psychotherapy results, I can absolutely ascribe that difference to education.
So few moderns have a third place now, that they pay people to take that role.
Therapy can be such a powerful force for self-discovery and mental well-being. To think that believing a given philosophical statement can have the same effect as deep inner work is to completely write off the power of therapy. I would highly recommend it for anyone who has grown up in less-than-ideal social systems (pretty much all of us) and who wants to improve their life.
If you're fucked up, try drugs, (preferably the _legal_ kind, but certain herbs work really well) before you try therapy. Therapy is expensive for a reason; it's 50% a scam.
For some of us, the point of almost any endeavor in life is to be “good” at them. That isn’t even to say you can’t enjoy it, or you have to feel anxious about whether you’re good enough at it. The point is the go through the process of becoming good at the things you choose to do because we acknowledge that there is something beautiful and admirable about expertise.
Someone who feels dejected — because he can’t see the reason in doing something unless he’s already hit the requisite hours to be ‘good’ at it — probably needs to hear that he needs to unlearn whatever makes him feel bad about being ‘bad’ at the start, instead of hearing that it’s okay to suck at something as long as he enjoys it.
Otherwise, all you’re doing is trading one form of anxiety for another (I must be good at X vs. I must feel good about X), and he’s still going to notice that he sucks at the thing (playing guitar, golfing, whatever) and find difficulty enjoying it from there.
What does "suck" even mean in this context? A composer might still "suck" if they compared themselves to Johann Sebastian Bach, but is that the most important question in the scheme of things?
The one thing we can all become experts at is being ourselves. Nobody in the world, in fact, can do it better. I think it's best to focus on that.
The anxiety you're describing, I think, is endemic in modern society, especially among the professional class. Whether or not we choose to adopt it is up to us.
After that the pressure was off and now I just do dog photo's for instagram from the dog park :)
I think his point is that being really bad at something is no fun. If my goal is to have fun I would rather do something I will enjoy right away.
Children are terrible at everything but they have a lot of fun anyway. Clearly it is possible, which makes this a mindset issue. Thankfully, that is within your power to change. Start having fun today :)
If you haven't already, I highly suggest making a child if you can. It seems to snap all of this into focus - it did for me anyway.
I mean I still have a ton of existential dread and still often wonder what the point is but I do find purpose in providing for my family and trying to raise a human that can do good - maybe better than me and the author of that NYer piece :D.
I fall into this pitfall a lot, whether it be working on small personal projects or playing a video game. I think a large part of it comes down to comparing yourself to others.
I took up drawing a year ago and it was completely new to me, as well as the first hobby in a while I went into without caring how well I did. And as a result it was fun and relaxing. A few months ago I started looking at other artists and their work and started comparing my work to theirs. And guess what, I began feeling like drawing was a chore or work.
More and more I am starting to believe the phrase 'Comparison is the thief of all joy'. I try to remind myself of this when I notice that I'm comparing myself to others.
Put like this, it is actually mind blowing and betraying the belief of my whole life.
To me, hobbies are activities that you enjoy so much you eventually get good at. My definition of talent is the ability to persistently and consistently improve yourself in a field. This definition includes the ability to efficiently obtain positive dopamine feedback to continue training and effectively curb burnout.
I really wished I can say I am talented, both in my works and my hobbies. But maybe, just maybe. Getting good is not really important after all.
(And about work: Maybe getting good at work and advancing career is also not the point? What is work anyway? Contributing to society in exchange of being let alive? Lol)
Running/exercise is one with so many levels you can only truly compete with yourself to improve (and you’ll feel good).
Music is one that is sooo difficult. You suck for a long time, but can make incremental improvements.
The work itself isn't easy (it can be incredibly tough!), but it's also not complex. You just go to the gym and put in the work and you will make progress.
(I don't mean to say that it's simple exactly, there are plenty of places to make mistakes and get analysis paralysis, but progress can be made with extremely simple programming. Pick something battle tested and do the work and you almost can't go wrong.)
I know this was not the point of your comment, but trust me that one can pass FAANG interviews without grinding Leetcode.
If you're seriously considering a job search, I would recommend going through jobsearch.dev
Sometimes it means "giant influential tech companies" in which case you could make a good case that Netflix doesn't belong and some others could be added.
In a career focused context like this I interpret it as "any tech company where most devs easily earn $300k+". So the original FANG plus a bunch of others, including smaller companies like Uber or Splunk.
For sure Netflix doesn’t belong. Meta doesn’t either as of end of 2021 if it’s also about growth alongside influential. Tesla, Nvidia slide in perfectly.
Then there’s a sizable tail end of $100B+ companies and many under $75B with growth potential. AMD, PayPal, Shopify, Stripe, for $100B ones. Square, Atlassian, Datadog, Cloudflare, some cybersecurity firms like Crowdstrike, Okta, would fit in too. These are too small right now though.
As far as the point, well, philosophy is fun. Why is there something when there could be nothing? Why does the universe even exist? What's the point of planets? What's the point of life on planets? What's the point of human evolution? Maybe there are no discrete points, aka a continuum, and it's all pointless. Or maybe there are discrete points, indivisible subatomic particles. Or maybe we're all in a simulation?
For some the point is to continue the evolutionary process by breeding and spawning, like the salmon in the rivers do. For others the point is to amass as much wealth and power as possible so that they can be at the top of the human social hierarchy and enjoy alpha monkey status. Some invent supernatural beings and imagine life without end in an afterlife paradise. For others, the point is to push their minds and bodies to their limits by creating art, studying science, exploring the natural world, inventing technologies and so on.
Probably the saddest crowd is those for whom the point of life has become little more than buying the useless garbage the advertisers tell them to buy. It's not healthy for the mind and it's not healthy for the body, and it's leading to environmental catastrophe. Many people are miserable because they can't buy all the products they're told they're supposed to buy in order to acquire the patina of success (the antidote is to adopt an indifferent attitude towards advertising and its psychological manipulation strategies).
I came out of that haze realizing that the point of it, at least for me, is to spend time doing things I enjoy and spend time with people I love.
Making a mark on the world? Not my main focus. Making the lives of the people I care about better? Very important.
I’ve decided to try to just chill out, and enjoy life as much as I can. Stop striving for crazy goals, and accept life for what it is - a lot of working, sleeping, spending time with family, occasionally traveling.
I do what I need to do to make that enjoyable, and stop worrying about making it better / more money / more prestige / etc. This is counter to the American ethos but I found that focussing on things mostly outside of my reach / luck sphere, was mostly just making me unhappy and rarely moving the needle in wealth or fulfillment. Focus on what you can, and forget the rest. Finding peace with this is easier said than done.
I had the advantage of having no vision, no plans, when I graduated high school. All my friends headed off to college, but I had no money, had no idea what I would even study, even though I scored just shy of 1500 on the SAT. Learning always came easy for me, it still does.
So having no plan, after high school, I left my job as a farm hand and became a motorcycle mechanic. Found my two major strengths there, thinking through abstract problems as logically as possible, and a certain base understanding of electrical and electronics. A result of that was I got stuck with all the quirky electrical faults, and most of the transmission work. I enjoyed both. Should I go to school for electical or mechanical engineering? EE won that decision process, and I headed off to school at 25. Not having much money, I settled on two years first, to nail down an Associates degree, then move on from there.
Got great grades, got a great job offer, went to work. Took additional courses, but never earned a higher degree. Blundered along through a few failed relationships (an early relationship with someone that was bad for me, left scars, and it took a while to figure out how relationships were supposed to work).
Finally met someone I could relate to at age 35. Okay? 35. I still was renting. I couldn't even afford my own apartment until I was 30. So at 35 I met the love of my life. A year later, we bought a house together. Two years later we married. Two years after that, we had our first kid. Age 40 for me.
So my 30s, my life had really only just begun.
So I have been coding in embedded systems now for 38 years. My kids are all grown and out of the house. I never worked at a FAANG. I am not rich, but the women I met, fell in love with, and married, had similar financial goals, so we have saved enough money to retire by time I turn 68. Very small house, we drive cars into the ground (never less than twelve years, my car is now 16 years old). So we have money to do the things we want. Travel and skiing being two of the top things. We raised three kids. Put them through college with no debt (not Ivy league, but no one needs Ivy League for the first four years, that is some heavy vanity BS right there)
Your career is not the end point of your Dreams, enjoyment is. Your hobbies should be something you enjoy that don't break the bank. You should constrain your costs on anything the doesn't deeply matter to you so that you can afford the things that do.
I will leave you with one huge final important note.
The things you 'do' in life are much more important than the things you have. Do not focus on 'having'. Focus on 'doing'.
I am a relatively old man now. I am still working because of two things, both related to me doing everything late in life. I started my career late, and I had kids late. I don't mind that I am going to work until I am 68 or maybe 70 years old. I am doing things, and I am enjoying the things I do.
Let me add, "spending time with friends" to me means "find a job where I like the people and want the hangout with them" so that I don't have some 8-10hrs a day of something I want to avoid. Those have been the best times in my life where going to work was fun because it was like hanging out with friends. Friends I would see outside of work as well. That work was also on small teams (< 30 people), on small projects where I had a lot of influence, to the point that the project felt like something I was helping to create and had some pride in how it turned out. In other words, not just a cog in a machine.
https://thriveglobal.com/stories/relationships-happiness-wel...
this feeling demands deep personal reflection and / or extended authentic conversation with someone who knows you well -- nothing a text forum will be able to give you so do not be discouraged if you read a hundred posts of advice and none of them do anything for you.
If you want to explore more of the philosophy of this kind of feeling then I have a recommendation. There is a popular podcast called "Philosophize This!" by Stephen West that actually went into a multi-episode dive on "The Creation of Meaning" recently. It starts on Episode 157. The podcast is a casual conversation-style lecture format. The first episode is 25 minutes long.
>Yet we focus on these artificial goals set by childish dreams, society or life events.
In my experience goals are used to resolve unmet needs. Children are very needy and have lots of goals. If you need more money, you set a goal to get it.
Is it possible that you have no goals and see no point in anything you do because you have nowhere to go but down? You are safe. You are fed. You did it. Maybe it is time to kick your feet up and enjoy.
I think that's quite possible. In my view to go up now the cost is very high, either energy-wise or time-wise, with little benefit. As an example I could get more money but not enough to retire in the short term (unless I'm extremely lucky).
Looking at expectations put on me from where I came from, I'm light years ahead, so I should be feeling like "I made it", but I don't.
> Maybe it is time to kick your feet up and enjoy.
Haha, I have to find a way to enjoy it somehow. Unfortunately I have this crippling feeling of not doing enough that seems to drain away enjoyment of the moment.
Thanks for the reference, I'll make sure to check it out
>I have this crippling feeling of not doing enough
These two things are not unusual to find in the same person, and a talk therapist can probably help with the details.
Tbh, I had a similar thing. What I resolved in therapy was recognizing that the feeling was a mental shortcut; a mechanism / engine running under the hood indiscriminately. It wasn't wrong, but it was incomplete.
In response, I expanded the wiring a bit. I now feel it as "there is always more I could do" which basically wired my choice into the mix. Then I exercise that choice. "There is more I can do, but this is enough". the part for me that is hard to put into words is that "enough" is a soft line. doing enough doesnt mean i need to stop doing.
I say that last line there bc there was, for me, a related feeling of "Everything I do must be efficient" bc that gets more done and i can never do enough. This needed to be dismantled / rewired as well
Taken together, "never do enough" and "always be efficient" created an impasse where doing more than enough was inefficient. And I could not view my life as being enough without self-implying that it should end. Being busy justified my existence, and if i could not justify being busy then i could not justify myself. Obviously this is not a rational conclusion, but that's why therapy helps. I did not realize this kind of irrationality was emergent from my subconscious heuristics until the right line of conversation bubbled it to the surface. I said the words and realized the issue at the same time. Once I noticed it, I could of course handle the work of correcting it on my own time.
And so over the years i have moved up, realized some goals. Manage a department, lead a team or two, still get to work in weeds etc, but have direct influence on budget, organizational decisions etc (at least to this point). And i make a solid salary and frankly the I could do much of this in a much more efficient fashion, and many of my decisions these days are more based in "am I setting a good example".
That said, it can still be hard to maintain that focus. During this "great resignation" i have faced an internal battle with the realization i CAN earn more, but whether that will come as a cost of being sacrificial to the other ancillary benefits..
Frankly it can be hard to rectify and sometimes i feel my spouse takes advantage of it. For example its known (at least internally) that family trumps work in almost every instance. That I will not miss my kids...halloween, gradauation, whatever for some on call BS. But that has come to also mean that I get leaned on when a kid is sick, or theres some scheduling thing. And sure i can make it work. Heck I can probably even get away with it without much political cost, but that's sometimes not the point.
I also fight with considering offers or "advice" that i should jump ship and move to xyz. I could double salary etc. But does that mean i double benefits if i pay more for insurance or get less days off or am expected to be plugged in or more responsive?
Finally, I still have that internal drive. Lately i constantly find myself still trying to map out the next "steps". Do I move further into management? Its not as rewarding for me but the people I have managed seem to have established a pattern of loyalty and trust despite the environment. And the possibility of again having more "freedom" and the ability to drive organization direction and choices would be really nice. I'm in a spot where i have some say, and even some influence, but would more be better? How do i get there, or recognize an open door or oppurtunity.
Frankly i find much of it exhausting, just like i have come to find people and politics pretty exhausting lately.
Our culture biases towards certain life meanings (get rich! be famous! do high class things! be higher status than others! belong to the cool in-group!), and our primitive impulses are very attracted to those meanings. But as we accomplish those things, they don't end up feeling super meaningful or fulfilling.
We will all be forgotten, the universe doesn't care about our lives. But we are the universe made self-aware! How awesome is this? Yeah, we need to balance a lot of the human concerns because we're embodied in these meat suits that have certain needs. But there's so much to think about/discover/appreciate about it all while we can!
The idea they touch on in the podcast is that this optimism helps people do great things. If you realized the thing you want is decades away, you might not even try. If you (incorrectly) think you are on the cusp of achieving some monumental goal then you may strive for it and, throughout those decades, you may keep believing you are on the cusp and keep striving until you finally reach your goal.
This is connected to the idea of "Depressive realism" - which is the idea that depressed people are often more realistic about the world. Perhaps, to be productive, it helps to have a somewhat delusional belief or confidence in your own abilities.
I focus on hobbies. What works for me is to keep the hobbies to myself - don't let it become competitive relative to others. That's a trap you'll never win, as you'll always be comparing to the best and not to any kind of average or typical performance.
Here's a number of concrete examples. I like Rubik's cube puzzles, but what I do with them is get new puzzles of different shapes and figure out ways to solve them. I deliberately don't get involved in speed-cubing or such competitions.
I like juggling, but I don't try to do any shows or competitions or anything; what I do is invent and learning new patterns and tricks for myself.
I learned to sew, to make costumes for conventions; but what I do is walk around to interact with and entertain people; I don't try to compete in shows or for prizes or anything.
I play board games, pinball, sports like bowling and ultimate frisbee; but always on a very casual recreational level and not in any kind of organized league or competition. What's important with these isn't the activity itself, it's the human interaction.
You can find a lot of value in hobbies like these in a range of 20 to 200 hours invested rather than 2000. The key is to find self-satisfaction in bettering your own skills; don't try to compare to the self-selected best lifelong obsessives.
I was reading Vaclav Smil's latest book and he does all these calculations about how much energy we have available to us now compared to 200 years ago. And how much less physical labor we have to do to put food on the table and how many more material goods we have available to us now - in my grandparents' day, about 80 years ago, they had maybe one pair of pants sewn together, one shirt that was washed once every two weeks, shoes had holes in them, of course.
Their job was picking tomatoes. Were they living a worse life than the one I had the opportunity to experience? Certainly yes, from a material point of view. From the point of view of internal feelings, the individual variability in life satisfaction within a cohort is greater than the variability in average life satisfaction between cohorts of different generations. They lived their lives, comparing themselves to people living in the same neighborhood, certainly not to people living in generations yet to come.
In the immortal words of Lorenzo de Medici: "Whoever wants to be happy, let him be so! Because of tomorrow there is no certainty". And sometimes, let me add, there is no certainty of this afternoon either.
Let's say you live in the modern Western world, which is more familiar to me. Modern life has endless opportunities for fun, which includes, for some, finding that meaning of life that is so hard to grasp. You can dump your partner, in case you get tired of them, and people would understand - a hundred years ago, such alleged selfishness would have been tolerated at best. Maybe it is the answer, how many I have seen spending decades of the one and only life they will ever have with significant others they barely tolerate, when not hate. You have access to an unlimited number of learning opportunities. We know that agency is supremely important for life satisfaction. You can learn to draw, write, do martial arts, sing, write a screenplay, cook delicious seafood. Assuming you have some disposable income, you can take a flight to some places that until a few decades ago had no sign of civilization. Can you imagine? You can be hypnotized, take some psychedelics, eat and drink as much as you want. Find something new in you and outside of you.
What is the point of it all, you may ask. I can only answer that I haven't become rich or world famous, I don't have world-class skills, but in the fifth decade of my life, I'm having a great time living an exciting life - because I do things that excite me -, which includes some overall minor contribution to society (I don't fool myself thinking I am giving a larger than negligible contribution to society), and which I enjoy sharing with others, but only if they have the right attitude. And for me, that's the point of it all.
I still dream of those things, except getting married. TBH 30s isn't that late - things get far more difficult if/when you have kids.
You can try to have good memories with your family and friends. Sure, everyone will be gone after a few years and nobody will ever remember you. But you are here now, might as well have fun.
And maybe because of that, I'm pretty ok with things? Every day I'm aware that I could do more. I know people who could take over my job right now who are 15 years younger than me. And that's ok, because I have achieved so much more than ever seemed possible to me as a teenager, and every time I stare out the window and realise I'm in San Francisco and part of the industry that was so far away when I was growing up I have to take a moment to come to terms with the fact that this is actually reality.
I know this article is satire, but I also know that many people hold themselves against standards that are not realistic. Almost none of us have achieved everything that we could be, and that's just fine. If you're spending a lot of time troubled by the fact that you feel like you're falling short of your potential then this is a great time to find a therapist who can help you work through that. It's ok to want more than you have, but if you're objectively in a basically good place then you really shouldn't be constantly aware of that in a negative way. I'm at peace with the fact that I'm never going to found the next unicorn company or be CEO of Google or even write some software that a lot of people care about. Let's be kind to each other and ourselves about what we've achieved, rather than holding ourselves to a model of what we could theoretically be if literally everything had gone our way.
If you set your bar too low, you will never surprise yourself with doing what your previous self deemed impossible, but what your current self managed to do.
Most people I meet can do a lot more, by my assessment, than they think they are capable of. Their own thinking then hinders them from trying, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
The trick is to keep a positive-curious attitude about it "let's see if I can" rather than obsessing about others and comparing. Comparing is superficial (people who want to boast do it a lot), and never apples-to-apples, as no-one has the same starting point (parent connections, wealth, genetic disposition/talent etc.).
I too used to think setting a high bar was the way to get there. Maybe at the start it is.
But then, when I consistently reached beyond what I was capable of, the cost of downfall became overwhelming. After years of that, I couldn’t get back up again.
Then I asked a new question:
What if I let go of “should?”
The justifications for taking action were masking something very beautiful.
When the “should” is gone, what’s left is intrinsic motivation.
Turns out I’m curious & love trying new things. I also attract people like that & enjoy hanging out with them.
Now I’m doing the most impactful work of my life, but with much less pressure on myself.
Sometimes I worry about all the things I didn’t do that I thought I would. Rather than turn that into “I’ll get back on track” I simply acknowledge that I’m feeling sad & experiencing some fear about the meaning of my life.
The gift I get in return:
I can be open with my team that I feel afraid, breath, and refocus on enjoying the day.
Folks, like you say, come from a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. Those who you think could do more, likely have experienced some "reason" behind their current situation or achievements (trauma, immediate concerns of taking care of family, etc).
And so, unfortunately, not everyone has the ability or opportunity to adopt a positive-curious attitude. I will say that such an attitude does tend to arise when coming from a safe / secure background (loving parents, a safety net, etc.). It can arise without those things, but no guarantees either way I suppose.
I'm getting to the point where I can myself, but it's been a struggle of getting to the point of feeling safe financially. My own situation is unique, no familial support (more the opposite truly), a need to provide enough for myself (I have chronic conditions). And thus while I'd like to "achieve", I must balance that with "survive". One day I'd like to do more, and I believe I'll get there. Fingers crossed.
I always try to keep this Alan Watts quote in mind: “The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”
But it's a fair point! Our aspirational goals are influenced by what we believe is possible, and that's amazingly contextual. What we're lead to believe is possible changes what we believe should be possible for us, and that changes the standards we set for ourselves.
It's not a career path I'm shooting for, but if you made me Google CEO tomorrow I doubt lack of purpose would be an issue.
The experiences as a CEO of a large company seem much more interesting, and you get to hire a team of experts working on those cures (or whatever floats your Boaty McBoatface).
this is probably the best advice i've read so far. Think about how, when faced with a hard technical problem, an SME is a treasure trove of answers. A good therapist is an SME in this problem space.
There's nothing that's stopping you from creating that first personal project, which other people eventually care about.
I've always found your technical talks, blog write-ups, and mailing list posts to be interesting and educating. And thank you for all the work you did, and do, in the various FOSS communities — that's already a significant impact for the better.
PS: It was a pleasure to interact with you at a few Linux Foundation events. I still remember the Edinburgh speaker event (2018, IIRC) where you've regaled us with some interesting "security incident" stories :-).
Fulfilment comes from within, not externally. Results driven fulfilment comes from the gradual achievement of small goals, slowly combining into larger goals. They can be as small, as simple as reading a book.
The best advice I was ever given was 'finish what you start'. Rather than skim articles in newspapers, I forced myself to read (awful) articles from the beginning to end. Eventually that morphed, and I now make choices on when to skim, what to leave behind - what's a sunk cost fallacy and what isn't. But the point was to break the pattern, to achieve small things, and build on them.
I take the same approach with my kids. Get a win, then get another win.
I am 26 and this is has been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with over the past few years.
I thought I'd be happier with a high paying job. So I got a job that pays at the 99.9th percentile for my age. Didn't really make me happier. Then I thought my unhappiness was because of my weight. So I lost 90lbs. Hardest thing I've ever done. But it didn't make me happy. Today a voice in my head is telling me "you'll be happier if you get muscular," "you'll be happier if you get in a relationship." I plan to do all of those things, but I realize they probably won't make me happy.
What has helped somewhat with fulfillment was placing a fundamentally greater value on myself. Reflecting on my accomplishments has made this a bit easier. And I do value myself a lot more today than I did two years ago - my confidence is higher, even if not as high I hoped it would be...
I can't help but feel a bit lost. My accomplishments did not provide me the concrete, grounding, pervading feeling of achievement I hoped they would find. I wasn't happy after them. Instead, there was... nothing, and now I feel like I'm kind of just floating without direction when it comes to "finding happiness."
Exercise will make you happy, but only while you're doing it. Getting a raise will make you happy, but only for a short time period after that raise. "Having" a relationship won't make you that happy, but the process of building the relationship is highly enjoyable.
The key to happiness is to do those things that make you happy while you do them. Sacrificing your personal now for a better future is one of those church ideals that always struck me as weird. That said, if you work on making the planet better, that work will probably also make you happy as long as you keep doing it. But the "better planet" itself is too abstract to make you happy long-term.
Hey, thank you for crystallising such a fundamental and valuable piece of wisdom so neatly.
Exactly. It's not about reaching the destination. It's about enjoying the journey.
I think in certain ways they're valid, but more for creating circumstances that will allow you to do fulfilling things in the future. Taking care of your body now to avoid health issues in the future, saving now so you don't have to worry about money in the future.
I guess a common baseline requirement for happiness is a sense of freedom. A healthy body gives you freedom to move (move in the broadest sense of the word, meaning also mobility, being able to pick something up from the floor without too many aches and pains), some financial backing means you're not constantly worrying about where your next meal comes from, so you're free to think about other things.
That said, having a relationship helped me out of my funk, which was not dissimilar to yours. I - and my girlfriend - are now more content with mediocrity.
1. Maybe steady-state “feeling happiness” isn’t a good goal? Like, so what if you “feel happy?” If that’s all you want, opiates are widely available.
Maybe a better set of goals would be “peak satisfaction” combined with tangible external outcomes that you consider worthwhile.
2. The accomplishments you have listed are mostly about yourself. They feel empty now because you have basically got yourself under control. What can you improve in the world outside yourself? Can you improve the company where you work? Or your family in some tangible way?
I’ll give you one small example:
My cousin and his wife had failed two expensive rounds of IVF already, and they are comfortable but not in high paying jobs. They were struggling to afford another round. They had asked the family for help with a go fund me but didn’t come close to what was needed.
I had just gotten a bonus, and the total amount needed (several $K) was an amount I could well afford so I just sent it to them. I didn’t make it a big deal, and made sure they understood they owe me nothing.
To this day, I get a warm glow of satisfaction when I see my niece or they send pictures.
Way more than what I get from checking my bank account or reflecting on other “self” accomplishments.
Gratitude should also help with each area that you feel is fulfilled, otherwise you just never have enough
What's external and what's internal?
Where do your desires come from? Your hopes?
Some people think they are the masters of their mind, that what they feel come from them, but what about the influence of their parents, their friends, the movies they watch, the books they read, advertising, music, social media?
We swim in a cultural ocean where things that seem on the inside might have actually come from the outside.
That's if there's even an actual distinction between inside and outside in the first place.
"Get a win, then get another win."
Is winning the point? What if someone doesn't care about winning?
Not OP but I interpret “win” in this context to mean something more like “success” and not strictly about winning or beating someone else.
It’s certainly a turn of phrase that I’ve heard used in that context a fair amount.
How about thinking about it with common sense, as opposed to trying to find some perfect rational answer that squares the circle?
There will always be external influences, but we still call most of them "internal" if they gently shaped who we are, as opposed to us chasing after them like junkies and getting overwhelmed by propaganda (ads, unattenable images of success/body/status in the media, unhealthy peer pressure, and so on), or beating us to submission to them (e.g. like parents insisting on instilling their own youthful dreams or desires of becoming X or Y to a kid).
Especially if we mostly care for the trappings (being Elon Musk rich, and having Elon Musk lifestyle), and not the process (making stuff).
Common sence is a mythl
Thoughts think themselves, you are an empty vessel and they arrive in your mind by magic, and you have no real idea where they come from. All you do is react to them in one way or the other
"you are an empty vessel and they arrive in your mind by magic"
Your thoughts don’t come out of nowhere. They are based on your own set of beliefs, usually shaped by experiences.
Change your beliefs and you can change your thoughts.
As in, if you chase situations in which your local environment is full of applause, then you're only going to be satisfied when you're in those environments. If you chase situations in which you are, eg., finish some project in some area of interest, then you can be satisfied with "resources more your own".
> 1. Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.
http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html
Does it matter where our desires and hope come from at the very beginning ? We have thousands of divergent influences pushing us everyday. The ones we choose to go with come from within, they come from you, probably ingrained and influenced by your environment, but the only thing that matters is that you take them as yours.
Regarding "Is winning the point? What if someone doesn't care about winning? ", winning here has a wider meaning than the small 'winning a game' meaning, it means succeed at what you set yourself to.
You're of course free not to set goals to your own life, but doing so has long been found to be one of the best way to find happiness and meaning (it's the conclusion for Candid of Voltaire for example, but there's much more). If you're interested in the matter, I can recommend "Man's search for meaning" from Viktor Frankl
The largest obstacles I face when it comes to achieving things is really that the things I want to do and the things I feel motivated to do are very rarely the same. Often I am extremely motivated to do things that I really don't want to be doing; I can spend hours fixated on something irrelevant and afterwards feel exhausted and annoyed because I really would rather have done something else, but my brain disagreed.
However, by far the most fulfilling thing I've done for a long long time is helping out in a foodbank in a nearby town.
So my biggest regret at the moment is actually realising that, at least for me, helping other people actually can be rather more fulfilling than achieving purely personal goals - I wish I'd realised this sooner.
But it's discouraged at every turn from the top; and replaced with shiny things, power and competition.
Fulfillment certainly isn’t external. It’s entirely generated internally.
What somewhat worked for me was time tracking based on my screen's focus (I use Timing for Mac, timingapp.com, no affiliation whatsoever). If anything it makes me aware, but since I use it for billing my hours, there's an incentive to minimise it to keep the day (at least somewhat) short.
Today's for working on my own stuff, so no tracking, hence me falling for the same traps again, and writing this comment. Probably should do it on a day like today as well.
On the other hand, while I've got a lot on the go, I do eventually finish things, so winning I guess?
Time is the bottleneck and not motivation or whatever. It's finite and we run out of it before we even realize it pursuing ephemeral things.
I also cannot relate. My parents drilled into us the ideas of discipline, hard work and an absolute refusal to quit. I’m not super successful. I’m not a CEO. But I’ve accomplished more in my life so far than I thought I would.
Or perhaps my expectations are too low…
The funniest thing is that I chose not only my university degree but also my optional modules based on a career choice that I moved on from well before I was 30. I don’t generally do regrets, but older me would tell younger me to relax a bit. There’s plenty of time and lots of things to try. Be prepared to be surprised!
Reading this makes me feel better about my current trajectory. Mid 40s male.
Me now (35) would love to tell that to me (15), too. All the grey hairs for nothing.
Today I feel like a proper adult who does adulty things and has life figured out reasonably well, but no doubt 40-year old me will think my current self was still pretty young and inexperienced.
Our younger selves would never listen to us now anyway, but I’d probably tell my younger self to meditate and be more positive. It’s free to have a positive attitude and it helps a ton.
I’m not sure about others, but I do think I’d be roughly in the same spot if I relaxed more. I’m skeptical how much doing that extra 1% effort really helped me get further when it cost me sleep or joy.
I often complain to my girlfriend that I've got nothing done, and then she asks what I've done... and it turns out I've actually done a lot. I'm currently splitting my days between regular contract work producing videos (first two hours of the day, 7am-9am), and then after a short break I spend the rest of the day (until 6pm, with an hour for lunch) working on my house extension. Today I'll be doing more of the roof (weather permitting), or putting in central heating pipes.
Then, after dinner, I'll be working on YouTube content.
But still, I've done nothing, in my mind... because I expected to have the extension finished by now (I'm 9 months in, and about 6 months behind, mostly due to external delays).
I'm 50. I did expect to be much more successful than I am - I'm not in the slightest, financially. I never expected to be a millionaire, but I'm below average earnings in the UK. But I'm (mostly) happy, and I think that's what matters. I hope so, anyway!
One reason why I don't like using salary as a comparison is it doesn't reflect people's life circumstances, except at the extremes. It's just easy to measure.
And good luck with the roof!
This is what I would consider a significant measure of success - people wanting to talk to you (assuming they're actual messages, and not robocall spam). Whether they're from friends who want to chat, contacts who want to work with you, or just random updates about interesting things that for some reason someone thinks you should know about, having people out there think about you enough to fire up the dialler on their phone and try to reach you is pretty cool. There are so many other things they could be thinking about.
I also figured out quite recently that, never compare yourself to anyone because there is always going to be someone far better than you. Far luckier than you.
I was binge watching a YouTube channel called "Geoguesser". Self explanatory. I was mesmerized by how skilled he was. Even if he was thrown into a literal no where, he was fairly accurate in his guess.
Then I watched him compete with other people. He is good but he was no where as good as the other competitors. My reality was shattered. He is not a miracle but he was just skilled at a niche, that's all. There are better guessers but they were not miracles either they were more skilled AND more lucky.
So the pursuit of skills and ambition never stops. It is not a thirst, it is greed. So stop comparing, embrace the mediocrity and convince yourself you are better. Start by finding the small things that makes you better than most.
Is that actually a part of adhd? Obv not asking for a diagnosis online, but curious about the phenomenon.
"Daily humor", yeah very funny, haha. Except when you live it.
If you're thinking "well, that's normal for a lot of people", yeah so was unable to see without glasses or dying from a burst appendix, lack of insulin or just bad food. Some people have it mild and get by, but for some, it's hell on Earth.
More healthcare pros need to recognize it's a problem, recognize it's fixable and fix it.
At 20, I wanted to be a VP at a company by 25. At 21, I wanted and then bought a motorcycle and then later crashed on it. At 22, I wanted to and got to work for a startup. At 23, I got married and got to six figure salary and was hoping to buy a house. At 24, I bought a house, got a dog, and wanted to start a company. At 25, we had a kid and I started a company. At 26, I wanted and got into YC. At 27, I pivoted the company and we ran out of runway. I'm turning 28 in a couple of weeks and decided to slow things down for a couple of months but ended up accepting a cofounding offer to build something else.
Every year brought many sad and happy days. There were slow days where I felt I was wasting my life away and there were many fulfilling days where I felt like I accomplished a lot. I really believe that life is what you make it. Having dreams is fine but unless you're working towards them every single day, they will remain as dreams.
Now, what I didn’t make was to work on some of these digital projects I have, or looking for some new career opportunities. And part of me was a bit upset for this, to be transparent. Reading this article though, sent me back to the words of my little derisory poem, and recalled me how the most rewarding things can come from the tiniest endeavours.
Since then I started measuring my success by comparing to my past self - I think it's healthier that way.
I've also found that it's a lot like breathing - you need to, ahem, "exhale" from time to time - take up a less ambitious role just so that you can focus on other aspects of life.
That said, with the latter point, me and my girlfriend have long-term goals of moving someplace bigger and more out of the way, which is a nice goal to have. Staying at my current employer would have been stable, but ultimately stagnant and ungratifying.
That's certainly better than the one the author is using. Current day me would still fail though - I've made no progress and my opportunities/abilities are slipping away.
I torment myself with similar thinking.
1. Objectively speaking I have achieved a lot in my life, from where I started to where I am now, I am living the American dream, and then some.
2. I KNOW that I have a lot of unfulfilled potential. No, it's not the sugar-coated way to say that I am a loser, my "problem" is non-crippling anxiety: while I seem to be perfectly functioning on society, I procrastinate A LOT, and I suffer fro "failure-to-launch" syndrome.
I am getting better but not better enough.
Case in point this morning I was thinking about starting my own "100 days of rejection therapy" in order to improve. The kicker? When Jia Jang's TED talk came out in 2017 I told myself I was gong to do it. Today, 5 yers later, I am still thinking about it, and NOT doing it. FML.
Steven Pressfield calls it "Resistance", I call it Anxiety. Regardless, I can't help but wonder if:
1. The economy must lose trillions of dollars in loss productivity and loss opportunity due to resistance/anxiety
2. Is there a business to be made addressing this problem. It is a problem, but how to address it and monetize it?
The expectation of performance was artificially inflated which leads to difficulty dealing with failure and constant feelings of dissatisfaction.
Growing up the messages to me were quite the opposite (without going into details), and now here I am, fully grown adult, full of doubt, uncertainties, fears, full of Anxieties that prevent me from achieving my full potential.
I guess your overall principal is correct, we all know people that fit your statement; at the same time individual experiences and reactions to those experience are also big contributors to outcomes.
Focus is a priceless resource.
When I need to put my head down and concentrate, I try to shut off distractions. Like many developers I know, sometimes it means I gravitate to working late at night when the rest of the world leaves me alone.
I just figured it was an evolutionary (sort of Darwinian) march to where we are now. Throw enough stuff at the wall and you'll quickly find what sticks.
But to be sure, when I saw I was wasting away flipping through the 100 or so cable TV channels (around about the year 1999 or so) I cut the cord.
Of course, the web was not nearly as intoxicating then. I have the new cord around my neck now.
I suppose that the younger version of me have gone too far in pride, and too little in understanding. Which I've made peace with. But a lingering consequence is that I really don't know what to aim for anymore, not inspired by any visions, not particularly excitable. From a day-to-day point of view, I settle for being helpful to my fellow human beings. On a grand scale, though, I'm quite lost.
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/01/opinion/ezra-klein-podcas... https://runforsomething.net/
We have invented the total perspective vortex.
https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2F...
Find out what you really want, don't care what others think. This way it's much more realistic to have success, and you will probably also be much happier. I don't think many would want to be a CEO if they didn't care what others think.
One thing that changed for me last year was that I finally got the passion to get through that list of random topics I wanted to get through without the pretense of trying to prove anything to anyone. It really did work, even though the feeling towards those pretenses still linger a bit.
Here on HN, there was once something that stuck along with me, on an article about how people found success in one-person companies. One said that he did what he needed to do and then just find what could be sold from that. It's a simple statement, but what it says lacks that pretense of finding the truth in something, like finding success in other people or even unattainable quality of work.
I think the real problem is the pool of people they can compare themselves to is so much larger. No matter what your interests, vocation or career it's easy to find someone on social media who appears to be an order of magnitude better than you are.
I'm 36 and often ask myself, what did I do?
My parents had kids with 20.
My father and grandfather were managers with 25.
I met a bunch of people who founded a company before they were 20.
Friends of mine traveled from Europe to East Asia as hitchhikers in their 20s.
Many of my fellow students work for FAANG. Two are CTOs at middle sized companies and one is even a professor at university.
In contrast to that I always feel like a slacker.
When I was in my 30s, I felt like some colleagues had a bit more luck even for what they wanted to do: joining the right company, getting to work on the right projects. Maybe they slid into them or maybe they struggled to get the best projects. The fact is that I don't know. I never asked but it doesn't matter because I think that very few things from people are insightful enough anyway.
Let's say we're successful slackers inst
I grew up under the threat that the USSR would nuke the U.S. and 70's culture was beginning to wake up to problems of oil shortages (embargoes), over-population, pollution. I am not sure I perceived the world as a stable, predictable thing even then.
But the Boomers had the rug pulled out from under them when the Summer of Love rolled in and suddenly the gender roles and marriage contracts of their parents generation "Ozzie and Harriet" lifestyle were shattered. Women entered the workplace, the decline of the blue-collar living wage, automation...
And I suppose the generation before began with the Great Depression followed up by the rise of fascism and WWII...
Will see where the world goes in the next decade.. I sure hope it gets better.
As a former overachiever and perfectionist, I gave myself till 30 when I was 18 writing down goals for some life accomplishments like:
- Get a Master's degree by 30
- Build a successful company by 30
- Be financially independent by 30
- Get married and have kids by 30
Needless to say, I accomplished only one of these things. I have a beautiful family I wouldn't trade the world for. But the others? Failure.
I lived my life with the social conditioning of the modern world that I lost my sense of happiness. I looked to others to define my path of value and purpose. I kept losing myself to shoulds.
What I didn't realize was that I was on my own path of fully expressing myself. I had to turn my attention back inward. I was the only person on this hero's journey to find happiness.
Now I’m content with what I’ve done by 30.
Being an "overachiever" means : benefiting from the work of others (food, clothes, transports, ...) for roughly 23 years (time it takes to complete a master degree), then contributing to society for roughly 7 years (until the "successful company is built) by working extremely and then benefiting from the work of other for 60 more years (assuming death at 90) once financial independence is reached.
This is absolutely not sustainable for society as a whole, if more people managed to do that, mankind would not be better off. The fact that you have been able to complete your last goal, and that you are still contributing to society in a meaningful way, hopefully for many years to come is a much better outcome for everyone than if these self imposed goals had been reached. And the fact that you are content with your achievements so far a reflection of that.
You are absolutely succeeding at life, and you actually have overachieved those goals.
I am 53, I should be a manager or CEO by now, but I am disabled and out of work instead. Learning all over at home with new technologies and languages like Python and Dart/Flutter.
Some people your age are managers or CEOs but most people are not, and there's nothing wrong with that. If that is your goal, keep pushing towards it in spite of your issues, but you should also consider focusing less on career and more on just enjoying life.
Folks like you who are passionate and have an innate strong work ethic are worth their weight in gold, and need to be nurtured and protected from burnout by their managers and peers.
I've been on both sides of this equation. As a consultant with my own business I've done stints of 80+ hour work weeks, wrestled RSI and flirted with the edge of burnout. I've also managed teams with superstars sprinkled in who take on visceral ownership of a project, working to the goal not the clock and doing whatever needs to be done to achieve success. Some here will criticize that as an artifact of poor management / corporate culture, but in my experience different people have different priorities in life and some come with a very strong professional drive and crave the opportunity to outperform. There's an incredible multiplier effect that can raise the productivity of the whole team. But if they're underappreciated, taken for granted, or blindly loaded up with ever-increasing responsibilities as you described it's disastrous. I liken it to using a rare, hand-crafted sports car to haul manure then leaving it out in the rain to rust.
I've learned how crucial it is to stay keyed in to the pulse of your team. Communication is key (simple questions like "How's your workload?", and paying attention if someone who's usually cheerful seems agitated or irritable). At times I've had to force reports to take a few days off in between cycles to regenerate and make sure they stay fresh.
Have also spent some years volunteering in emergency services, and watching ordinary humans placed in high-pressure situations you gain an appreciation for mental health and not being cavalier about it.
I hope your activities playing with those new technologies you mentioned rekindles that spark of wonder which first led you into tech, and you land a career with an employer who knows how to take care of their people. Look forward not back, you've still got years of professional opportunity ahead of you if that's where your desires lay.
"It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years."
I thought I would have accomplished a lot more but I also:
- fail to recognise my accomplishments to-date
- cross-compare with others around me (even if they’re not in the same situation)
- have to recognise the variability created by choosing to have others in my life (spouse, children)
I reel when I think about some of my decisions - e.g. not buying a home for my family and continuing to rent but I have to accept that some of that is not all my fault - housing is increasingly expensive and I’ve not been blessed with the same 5-figure deposit contribution from family that my friends have had. I also need to recognise the concept of home ownership is an ideal informed from the previous generation and may or may not be as relevant today.
I do resent the increasing encroachment of work into the home. The delineation between home and work today is tiny and it becomes very difficult to maintain separation between personal / family / work. This becomes especially hard when work expectations ramp up and how we’re all international now. At times I’ve felt like a vessel for family and work duties with no time left in the calendar for personal pursuit.
When it’s difficult to nurture your personal self and develop that internal satisfaction and success, I feel we try to seek that same satisfaction/success in the other domains of family and work which monopolise our calendar and as such look at the measures of success there (a nice car, a decent career, a lofty job title, great family holidays, etc…).
I just watched the news article about the dinosaur, extinction event, find.
And still, many will make wealth their goal and waste their time pursuing success. I wasted enough headspace on it myself. Work hard, be grateful for what you have, enjoy what you have while you have the health.
Source: https://quotepark.com/quotes/1336674-charles-bukowski-we-are...
This panic over accomplishment must be a cultural phenomenon. I can't relate. Is there a wide group of people who are in panic over that their life might end up being merely "lived" without companies founded, books published, mountains climbed?
Economic pressure. Look at the housing market and the dystopian reality of our political processes, social divide, etc. -- TONS of people feel like they need to become free by means of economic accomplishments. This is even more so the case in countries without universal healthcare etc.
It's coming down to Maslow. If you work in tech, chances are you're smart enough to have and smell opportunities. People who don't have that opportunity because they are occupied with family or day-to-day-jobs can be content with less, just because there is no material dream to pursuit, or because they have other intrinsic goals (art, social connections [...]). The rat race we're forced into drives people mad, and we can't really blame the people. It takes a lot of mental progress to dig yourself out of that. Highly (!) intelligent people, think the top 1% of the chart, may be otherwise occupied, for example by the drive to contribute to scientific progress, but the top ~10-2% (I'm just throwing numbers here) feel trapped in material pressure and forced to "make it", where "it" isn't an actual target other than economic freedom.
Meanwhile in my case, sending my kids to college or paying for day care is a non issue, even on a low paying job. Getting a nice degree, even a PhD isn't an issue (because higher education is paid for and PhDs are paid positions - but not one you take for future economic gain).
So if I want to maximize my economic security and worry about house prices, then I have to accept that I probably need to give up the thought of personal "accomplishment" of the Everest kind, and Instead I'll just work 40h a week and raise a family.
If it _really_ mattered to you, you would have done it no matter what, but you got distracted by other things in life. That's OK. There is no HR department for your job as a human being. You don't have to rate yourself on a scale of 1 to whatever.
If someone assigns their worth in life by material things or external measures, they will NEVER have enough. There will always be "unchecked boxes" that will override any satisfaction for the "checked boxes".
Maybe if the author haven't started with such hand-me-down, derivative, cliche, "artistic motto" he'd have done better...
I think a lot of older people really don't understand this, but our generation (late millennials, or at least middle-class late millennials) were genuinely fed the lie our whole life that we were special and could do anything.
At some point, you have to admit to yourself that you're just an ordinary human being and Elon Musk has something special that you don't have.
Only when you're in this mindset can you reason about your own limits, what you can achieve and discover that you're actually a pretty decent dishwasher technician.
I don't think it's an appropriate or useful point of comaprison.
Only relatively speaking. There are a whole lot of people grew up with a hell of a lot more "privilege" than Musk and who have accomplished far far less.
So while coming from a 'privileged' background is important, and perhaps even necessary, in becoming the next Elon Musk, it is far from the determining factor.
> is far from the determining factor.
Pick one. There is a reason why low class kids are heavily underrepresented and high class privileged kids are highly overrepresented among VC-backed founders.
Also I feel like you just moved the goal for success. Getting 1 round of VC funding for your startup and getting your startup into the Fortune 500 or two wildly different levels of success.
If we're defining success as "1 round of VC funding for your startup" then, yes, I will happily concede the 'privilege' plays a much larger role.
Better car? With all this money and influence personalities like that could shape for much better future - livable, walkable cities, public transport, social guarantees.
Private cars in private tunnels for the rich? Is this what we call "achievement"? "There will be no traffic jams in LA because I will be riging my car in private tunnel"?
Rocket's are super cool. Then again a lot of people would argue that instead of aiming for the Mars we should aim to fix Eath's problems - climate, pollution etc.
Depending on how you look, Musk is actually who accomplished far far less. Just made the world better for individualist rich men not much more. Growing up rich and just spending inherited money on expensive stuff might be better for the human race in the end.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BoringCompany/comments/rxduxn/elon_...
It's kind of amusing how Elon Musk has to discover the car problem his own way. The tunnel is basically only lacking rails and an appropriately sized tram. Maybe he will catch on?
OP's point is that it's not solely up to you to just "do anything".
So do millions of people. The vast majority end up doing absolutely nothing of interest or value with it.
You need to be smart enough to check the winning numbers, but that's far from enough to win.
I know I couldn’t.
Let's see what that Prince from England will do in the next five years in North America. He's got all it takes to succeed in a capitalist country. So, can we expect for him a much brighter financial success than Musk's? I have many doubts.
This sort of thinking comes from place when you see that to achieve anything ahead in your life you need different skill set than you got and also most of time influence over people. I myself am victim of this thinking, it seems rational but it is demotivating.
What I found comforting in this thought chain is there may be limited possibilities that really can happen for me but can I find the best one of them, if I could that would still make me a Elon for so many people around me.
I think this kind of determinism is not only wrong, but damaging, should you choose to believe it, especially when it's used as a failure coping mechanism, because then it ultimately leads to forfeit, which removes any chance you may have had.
>He is successful. Therefore, it must be the case that he is able to bend The Laws Of The Universe. It is certainly not the case that Good Fortune and social effects were the major factors in his success.
Even if it were true, I'm not sure why one would want to believe that. At least fool yourself into believing either: (1) you're also special, and success can also come to you through your own "specialness" (2) no one is special, and success comes from tenacity and luck. What do you lose from believing either of these two things?
Yeah, and I don't want it. Even he admitted it's not good being himself.
I believe that there are many Elon Musks in the world but due to various circumstances (born in the wrong place at the wrong time, bad luck, terrible parents) they never get the chance to shine.
I do a lot of things, but have learned to achieve nothing. The high points I had where I got some fame and recognition are mostly embarassing now, because they remind me of my conceits that get in the way of ideals I intend to spend a lifetime pursuing. Looking back on the thing you were famous for, was it your best? Does it define you today? Have you left your peak behind and you are less now than you were then? Probably not. To me achievements mean nothing unless they were humbling and converted ignorance into appreciation and humility. It's a tough way to be, but it yields a pretty interesting journey.
Sure, I have breakthrough moments. Getting code to work, getting a new piece of music under my fingers, winning a contract or solving a problem, forgiving the person I was who believed things I don't anymore, etc. But I've found expereriences are meaningless unless there is a way to share them to improve the lives of others, even if it's just to make them laugh, or perhaps to serve as a warning, often at the same time. Life isn't in your future and the reflected glory of your achievements, it's now, and you need to breathe it all in and exhale it, over and over again until you can't. I hope the author gets the opportunity to laugh at himself for thinking that his achievement of writing this for New Yorker was the best he could do. I'm pretty sure he's got so much more:)
But now I'm in my 30's and 5 years into a "real career". I work long days in Operations at a tech marketplace. It's fun problems and I like working with data/product, but it hardly feels like I've living up to the potential I had thrown on me earlier in life. I'm far from the top 1% performer I was in High School / College.
I play a lot of video games and read a never-ending stream of miscellaneous articles. I go to the gym a few days a week and . Maybe once a month I pull out my guitar. I checked off my "adult" milestones -- Married and have a house. But seems like lots of days I just wake up, work, then stare at a TV. It's not all bad -- But reading this list and the failure to start, so many possibilities but I never do anything idea just rings true to me.
If I had to give advice to my younger self now, I'd probably go with:
1. Celebrate your science reading habit, instead of awkwardly apologizing that you like mathematics. 1 paper a week might seem like it'll get you nowhere, but in 20 years, that compounds to in-depth knowledge of the field. It'll pay off, but on a time scale you and your peers don't understand yet.
2. Don't compare to Gates, Zuckerberg, or Elon. The 1st had resources you'll never have because of his rich parents. The 2nd is now universally hated as a sicko psychopath whose products drive teens into suicide. The 3rd can't seem to keep a stable enough relationship to have a family. You'd hate being in their shoes.
3. Get more comfortable saying no. People are going to ask you for favors all the time, but your time is very limited. Only help friends or those where you predict they'll reciprocate. Make people get their own hands dirty first, it'll help them learn. Stay away from "energy vampires" who ask for your help for everything but won't help you back.
1. financial independence (enough passive income not to work if i prefer)
2. own my own home (large enough to grow a family)
3. have a family
In my mid 30s, pretty much given up on 3 and 2, as 3 depends on 2.
So I am just left with 1 to aim for.
2. and 3. are totally independent from each other, both are made easier by No. 1 so.
Just a general advice, if I may dare, stop putting those things in order, relax and let some things in live just happen. And enjoy the journey as much as possible.
Obviously, that advice only works if you are living in a stable environment. If you don't priorities are going to be topped by, worst case, living to see the next day.
Regardless, it's perfectly possible to succeed at having a happy and fulfilling life without being financially independent. #2 can be achieved if one moves out of the more attractive areas where housing is often far cheaper than in the more hip areas. It may have consequences like an increased commute, or a lower salary, but again, having enough money to never having work isn't going to happen for most of us.
Also mid 30s is so young, you still have at least a decade to find a significant other and build a family if that's what you want.
getting married, having kids, i could do it now, but i would be living as a renter, dependent on my job. i would not be able to sleep at night.
i feel like my parents generation at least had the safety net of social welfare, but that is no longer there.
In the song, he acknowledges his lack of accomplishments as he gets older. There’s ambiguity as to whether he’s more regretful that he never achieved the heights that his younger self envisioned – or if he’s coming to accept this. While he wrote the song in his early twenties, I guess this is a sentiment we can all relate to: there’s always some age-related milestone looming ahead of us.
The only worthwhile achievements would be to become aware of your predicament and to escape the matrix.
And any worthwhile pursuit other than that is just a deeper kind of trap. Distracting you while the clock ticks away.
Here is why: so you can be 41, 441, 1041 and still have millions years ahead.
Once 41 years old no longer means you wasted your youth away, you will be able to concentrate on one thing per day and don't feel tragic if this thing fails.
Say yes to more things, don't conform and never regret.
I think of someone like Steve Jobs, I remember when he was alive how much he was idolised and how everyone wanted to be the "Next Steve Jobs" now it has been some years that has passed, I feel like that light is a little less and people have moved onto the next thing they want to be, the next Elon musk, mark Zuckerberg or just some level of crazy achievement.
But I wonder what it is worth really? Even those people that have achieved so much more than I ever have, did it really matter so much anyway? If those people were not around, everyone would find someone else to idolise, if those people were not around, the problems they solved in the world would likely just be solved by someone else or perhaps they would be solved in a different way at some point in a future and who is to say that that other future is not somehow better than what we have now? Due to the butterfly effect, we just cannot know what crazy alternative realities would happen if the people that we assume have added to humanity and given so much did not exist, somehow life would have continued and the fields in which they came would be just fine or perhaps even better as something else would have come along at some point, something that doesn't have to happen now because of the work they did, you cannot know that life itself is actually better because of them. You could cure cancer, but then the next evil dictator survives cancer due to the treatment and then nukes the entire planet into oblivion.
When you think of it like this and see that 1) It is very unlikely that you would be able to achieve at that level and 2) It doesn't really matter anyway, your perspective is forced to change on these things, you start to look at just enjoying your life, doing things in a more localised way than trying to change the entire world.
It's closer to the truth that we're probably just not supposed to live this way.
It is a valid condition, with serious and quite predictable consequences, only partly fixable by medication and therapy.
I think ADHD is a genetic trait that was evolutionarily selected for, and individuals with it made effective explorers, inventors, and creators, providing substantial benefit to humanity. It is an explorer's gene, though society today finds little value in that.
It's so frustrating and incredibly heartbreaking because I think people with ADHD are 100% totally valid in their own right, as it is likely an adaptive trait [1, 2], and yet our society has abandoned them as disabled.
[1]: "ADHD as a disorder of adaptation" - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9401328/
[2]: "ADHD sucks, but not really | Salif Mahamane | TEDxUSU" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWCocjh5aK0
but all we pay for is tree-climbing!, between the hours of 8 and 5.
Turns out, you have to work for it.
We realized early that there is no other meaning of life, and no other more important legacy, than being surrounded by family when we die.
Thankfully, we're in good company now that Elon Musk has gone public with a similar idea in perpetuation of the species.
As far as I can tell (not a psychiatrist), this individual is suffering from mental illness and could benefit greatly from cognitive behavioural therapy.
I hope he gets better soon.