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Comment by andreyk | Hacker News Reader

"Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, my wife tried to communicate that something was wrong. That something hurt. But that doesn’t make sense, I thought. I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt. ... There is only one reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink, and it’s a lesson I learned much too late: because I love and respect my partner, and it really matters to them."

wow.... this isn't a marriage lesson, it's a basic human etiquette lesson. Listen to what someone is telling you and try to see things from their perspective. At least the author does call out their own immaturity with respect to this:

"I think I believed that my wife should respect me simply because I exchanged vows with her. It wouldn’t have been the first time I acted entitled. What I know for sure is that I had never connected putting a dish in the dishwasher with earning my wife’s respect."

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The communication strategy that saved our relationship is not to talk about what the other does or doesn't do, but instead talk about how some things make you feel. For example: "when there is a glass on the sink I feel like I'm feeling undervalued..." the other than needs to first acknowledge how the other feels "I hear that you feel undervalued..." before giving their argument.

It sounds very formulaic but it really helps to deescalate the situation. It's much more difficult to escalate a fight if your partner says they are hurting.

This is good advice. I would only add that it can sometimes be difficult for a person to know how they are feeling or why. You have to know how you're feeling before you can meaningfully express yourself as "when you do X I feel Y".

Yes, that's where people must take personal responsibility for their own happiness and put the work in to understand and master their emotions. It's silly to assume that everyone is just born able to effectively manage emotions.

Exactly. If you intend to throw a ball to your dog but accidentally break a vase as a result, does your original intention absolve you from the consequences of your actions?

As though the thoughts and feelings of another person are as predictable and consequential as the laws of physics. I wish.

I agree that the thoughts and feelings of other people in general are difficult to predict. But a person you marry is often someone you spend a lot of time around and hence whose thoughts and feelings can be predicted to some extent - because you see them in different situations, then see their reactions and talk to them about their thoughts and feelings.

In this specific case, the author denies that the consequences existed:

> But that doesn’t make sense, I thought. I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt.

Yes this is classic human psychology.

I did a bad thing - well I didn't intend to do it, so I'm still good/right.

Someone else did a bad thing - they are a bad person.

I should be measured by my intents, not my actions or outcomes.

Others should be measured by their outcomes, because thats obviously what they intended.

If someone complains a lot and often and typically about same set of thing, it is pretty easy to guess they are annoyed about that set of things. They feelings are no mystery, they feel bad about thing they complain about.

The unpredictable thing here were consequences - that she will act at her feelings eventually instead of just experiencing them. And it basically what he writes about in the article, that she eventually figured out her feelings don't matter to him and interpreted situation as such. And then it was too late to fix anything.

> "Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, my wife tried to communicate that something was wrong."

If you try to communicate something hundreds of times and it's not getting through, it isn't the recipient that is at fault.

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