Ask HN: How do I stop being passive-aggressive? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How do I stop being passive-aggressive?

5 pointsSMAAART14 comments

I just had a realization, make it two:

1) I am passive-aggressive

2) Many of my behaviors of which I have been proud all along, all of my life (a few decades) are wrong. I am not Nice (cliche' I know), I am not positive, I am not gentle, I am not polite, I am not polished, I am not the one who takes the high road. My behaviors are not desirable, normal, common, attractive.

In the past, in my quest to overcome my low-self-esteem and attain confidence I did rear "No More Mr Nice guy" and "Not Nice". They both helped a but, but I wrongly assumed that being confident and being "Nice" were compatible. And they are, but not the "Nice" meaning that I had/have embedded in my mind.

I have searched on Google and in Psychology Today about my condition. I have just bought the book "Overcoming Passive Aggression".

Dear HN: can you give me some advice, pointers on how to embark in this battle and this journey? Hold no punches, I know I have done a lot of wrong, while thinking that I was doing good. And it sucks on so many levels.

Thanks in advance.

A pattern of assertion of parental control results in children denying being controlled in such a way that avoids punishment by interposing an excuse that mitigates the punishment by ranking the current control below a former command. Do your homework - goes to room, ostensibly starts doing it Come here - come here, or supper = doing my homework(a prior command) stops the kid from doing the subsequent command. You and parent(s) have evolved this pattern. Parents often leave it at home and are OK at work. Kids enter working life and keep it up = bad boss, bad employee, bad co-worker. You can get therapy ($$$) or become an auto-didact on this topic = read from google self help courses, or find the books you need and read in a library. Books of this type often in a reference library = no loans = go there, look up the book in the stack and read it while you are there, making copies with phone or copier as warranted.

https://afineparent.com/positive-parenting-faq/what-is-passi...

Check this out, friend. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30412165 Best of luck.

Thank you for the link, and thank you for calling me "friend".

I know we're not friends, but it was well received in this end.

Anyone could turn out to be a friend, but everyone isn't a friend. I don't presume to be familiar. Best of luck.

Seek professional help, focus on CBT rather than longterm SSRI treatment. I wouldn't have a clue if the neuroplasticity drugs are appropriate, but it's possible short-term treatment combined with CBT would help shift your patterns.

Mainly, treat your brain like any other sick or damaged organ and get professional advice. This is no place for amateur hour.

I will say that your own intuition of what is wrong, is very probably right.

Hey there. Thanks for the comment.

I was in talk therapy for a while up to a few years ago for Depression. Then I was declared depression-free and I also moved. Too bad because I had a great therapist.

I have never done SSRI and I don't intend to.

I do treat my mind like an engine, meaning that it needs preventive maintenance, and - in this case - a bit of fixing too. And I will seek professional advice.

Question for you, can you explain what you mean by:

> I will say that your own intuition of what is wrong, is very probably right.

I am not sure I grasp the concept/meaning.

Thank you for taking the time.

I meant that your own instinct about the toxicity of your behaviour was a good insight, you should keep hold of. It's the part of what it is to be you, that you would value seeking to shed other aspects of yourself.

Thank you for the clarification.

No info whether the 2 main factors:

From inside and/or outside influence

How is the two's proportion

hunch or guess is that long-term child time has significant role and affected and influenced that

Ask more questions in which you seek empathy. Failing that get professional help as mentioned by others.

Do you talk to your dad & parents often? I'd advise you speak to them more often.

I'm old, my parents have Both passed away. And yes, they were both passive-aggressive (I see that now).

I am not blaming them, and I am not relieving myself from my own responsibilities, I am just noticing.

Time for me now to fix things, and lead a better life for myself, and the people around me, from my friends to my co-workers to everyone else.

You need to become outright assertive.

Just be outwardly aggressive.

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