Comment by samh748 | Hacker News Reader

Comment by samh748 | Hacker News Reader

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Thank you for your thoughtful response! Lots of insights here!

Re your edit: Yeah based on all the replies so far I think I must've given the wrong impression in my original post. Too much emotion, makes it hard to interpret reality.

I think this maybe gets to the core of the problem, that it's not really to do with the social setting per se, but my attachment with it, and the expectations that go along with it.

Just like here on HN, I easily get carried away with idealizing the place and then become overbearing, too eager to impress. Same online or offline. Except maybe offline, what I've realized, is that people easily get overwhelmed by my eagerness, so they kinda just step back from it all, not wanting to get involved. Whereas online, I can't really overwhelm anyone cuz it's all thrown into the air, and anyone who cares will respond, and those who don't just move on. That's my theory anyway.

But in general, I think the context around us really does matter a lot, like you mentioned. Not just the types of people we meet, but the expectations we/I set up with it.

Another thought that I'm starting to explore, is that perhaps I'm the one that isn't smart enough or well-read enough to carry a conversation with anyone about anything. Whereas online/HN I can pick the topics I know about and go contribute there.

Lots to think about. Me + social life = confusion to the max. And I've been thinking about it and trying things out a lot, and still can't figure it out.

I'm also a person who sometimes has to check myself, realizing I have a tendency to start talking too much, or take over a conversation. It's just that I have a lot to say. I listen, too; but sometimes I can be a bad reader of when I've said too much. I never learned that "manly virtue" of being stoic and silent.

That being said, it's possible to punish yourself way too much for what you did or didn't say, dissecting every conversation afterwards. I was a very shy kid. I had a lot of thoughts, but I didn't speak up. I would describe myself as someone on the spectrum who figured out how to communicate using a different methodology than most people; it didn't come naturally. When suddenly around 15 or 16 I began to get confidence, it loosened up my tongue, maybe way too much. At certain points, especially in my 20s, I remember thinking that I was going too far (trying to impress, or to make a point) and sounding like an idiot. But I was extremely hard on myself about this, like I think you are being. I would have a great conversation with someone and then wake up the next day feeling suicidal because I was sure they thought I was stupid or annoying. Even when this bore no relationship to reality. Even with people who liked me and wanted to hang out.

One thing that helped me was a year I spent in therapy - specifically, existential therapy. It helped me see that I'm just what I am, we're all just what we are. No one's perfect, and no one spends anywhere near as much time analyzing my social faux pas as I do. That at most, people might think I'm eccentric or a curiosity. And being so hard on myself took away the pleasure of relating to other people, put too much focus on me, and made me too defensive. Why was I always worried about being judged - why did I assume that everyone else was judging me and yet I always accepted them for who they were? So much comes out of your own sense of self-doubt. It colors your interactions in ways you hardly realize, and it can lead to a dark place when you're trapped in your own head that way.

Thank you so so much for all this. Thank you for sharing your story. I have much to learn. Really glad we were able to have this conversation. :)

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