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The Moto G (2013) had a microSD slot, a 3.5" port and all of it in a 4.5" form factor.

Why can't we just get an updated version of that?

I started with one of those, and every two-three years I upgrade to the most recently available one.

Over time the MotoG phones have been getting larger - to the extent that now the one I have doesn't fit in my sporran, if I go out wearing a kilt.

I love this. I propose we henceforth judge all phones by the sporran test.

It didn't have an SD card slot of any kind!

Wikipedia says it did, at least on the LTE model.

Edit: ah found another source as well about it being on the LTE model https://www.phonearena.com/phones/Motorola-Moto-G-LTE_id8655