'I'm sad that I didn't have sex until I was 37' (2018)
bbc.com
bbc.com
> I didn't have a fear of rejection - the idea of rejection was irrelevant because I was so certain that no-one would be reciprocating any attraction I felt.
It was like this and then dating apps came and made it even worse. How do I unsubscribe from this? Please no American style "sky is the limit" coaching.
See first words of my first sentence.
Prior to ~10 years ago, different story... I was miserable, depressed, and socially isolated. I had a series of LTRs, so I was rarely alone. But I couldn't make friends to save my life. I always felt like an outsider.
I'm actually poorer than 10 years ago... Definitely in better shape, fitness wise, but also my face is 10 years older.
The thing is, I devoted a lot of time, energy, and attention to becoming a better person. Therapy, 12-Step meetings, volunteering, and spending a TON of time doing physically and mentally challenging stuff outdoors... And I actually AM a better person for all of it. Not perfect, but I used to be kind of a piece of shit.
At first, I was just meeting new people in my hiking & climbing circles... But after a while, with practice & effort, you develop real skills at talking to people. Nowadays, I can chat up random strangers at a grocery store, if I feel like it, and end up with at least a new FB friend, or maybe a date if we have anything in common.
Also, this is a PERFECT example of those social skills I talked about, in my earlier post... Valuable relationships don't just magically appear out of thin air, when you just happen to meet the right people. You have to meet (a LOT) of people, then spend time & effort to cultivate a common context, figure out their character, decide whether you want them in your life... It's a winnowing process, wherein you might only build ONE truly significant relationship out of meeting hundreds of people. The very first stage of that pipeline is just getting in contact and observing the person. Facebook is a great tool for that part.
But the knowledge of this whole process isn't some kind of inbuilt human instinct. Some people are lucky enough to learn it while they're young, but the rest of us have to figure it out as adults. It's a very complex skill set, so it can be a long,frustrating, frightening learning process.
I didn't mean anything personal by my statements btw. I've had my own experience and troubles dating. Hope things work out for you mate.
Might have been easier when women did not have much of a choice. Which only happened in the last 100 years.
Apps change human interaction patterns. The more is virtual dating normalized, the more will real-world flirt be seen as creepy and problematic.
Not least because people won't have enough experience to flirt smoothly and because they will be afraid of being publicly shamed if something goes wrong. With a smartphone in every hand, one badly thought out flirting attempt, recorded and shared by an unsympathetic party, will destroy someone's life and brand them as creepy loser forever.
> With a smartphone in every hand, one badly thought out flirting attempt, recorded and shared by an unsympathetic party
This struck me as well. Women share with each other and discuss the ongoing matches, chats, and meetings. Report to each other once they notice an acquaintance in the app. One message, one foul move and it escalates you into a creep, desperate, or pervert. I don't even try approaching in real life, women don't understand how it feels like to be laughed off or ghosted, and how it can turn a man into a psychopath.
And you don't? That's incredibly normal. Discussing people you've just met, especially if it's a shared connection. What's wrong is that it's not a giant amorphous network of women. It's just their local social circles like anyone else. There's no conspiracy.
> how it can turn a men into a psychopath.
ah yes, it is the women's fault
Second, no, men are not so competitive that they're going to try and swoop in and steal your girl. Especially not your friends. Is that how you perceive yourself? Is it as something you would try to do given information from a friend? It reads as a big read flag.
A lot of guys don't seem to understand social basics, and perceive attracting a girl as a purely mating / sexual attraction kind of dance. Hence the waves of idiots sending pictures of their penises. So many men seem to think they can almost hypnotize a woman with a projection of being a good provider mate and that's how you seal the deal.
You have to start by being someone she would like to befriend.
Edit: I just read your comment history. Your statements are not a red warning sign, they’re an ear-splitting air-raid klaxon with strobe lights. I fully expect you’ll make the news headlines one day.
I see this idea on HN all the time and I have no idea what it means. This is not a thing. How could it possibly be a thing? What scenario are you imagining exactly? Can you point to a single example?
At least a quarter of all viral videos of the last 10 years are in the "hey, look at that incredible idiot" category, regardless of actual activity of said idiot. Driving, dancing, singing, acting, speaking, fighting, working with tools, cursing, having public meltdown etc. There are entire fora dedicated to "epic fails".
I don't have either the time or even will to dig in the swamps of Dagobah that is the modern social network world, but flirting is just another activity some people suck in and it does not have any magic exception against shaming. I have definitely seen a lot of screenshots from dating app conversations going badly.
Pre-smartphone world, "epic fails" were a strictly local and quickly forgotten phenomena, unless you were a high profile person (an important politician or sportsman like Eddie the Eagle or Maradona with his Hand of God). The technology has been a great equalizer and a single instance of bad/failed/dumb behavior can now dog you for life even if you are nobody.
It's neither common in reality, nor is it impactful at all.
Vetting a job candidate on the social networks is now a standard feature of the hiring process. If you get a "no", they won't tell you that you were dropped because of "that" video, or even that you were dropped because of something on the Internet. There is an enormous "fog of war" there.
I had myself the "pleasure" of deciding whether to hire a person whose drunk photos from the bar were less than flattering. I decided to give him a chance, but in his case, he was a real alcoholic who could not be trusted with administration of a server.
I can see other people being less tolerant and more CYA in their approach.
Because I've never heard of this happening to anyone, nor can I recall anything about any random stranger (or acquaintance) that would matter from a viral video. It's a stupid concept. It doesn't happen. Top of front page reddit isn't even going to reach that many people and nobody will remember it. Oh no, you messed up a flirt and it's on THE INTERNET? Nobody cares. Nobody has ever cared.
> I had myself the "pleasure" of deciding whether to hire a person whose drunk photos from the bar were less than flattering. I decided to give him a chance, but in his case, he was a real alcoholic who could not be trusted with administration of a server.
What photos? His own? Are you suggesting a stranger randomly posted these photos along with identifying searchable details in a medium where he had no ability to block it? Or was he just a dumbass with a public profile and a bunch of junky photos? Was it one photo or a series of photos indicating he does this all the time from... a collection of strangers across different periods?
Sounds to me like its a very different situation than the proposed "random girl records your fail and ruins your life"
That was in 2014, so I am not sure about his either willingness or capability to block those photos on Facebook. It was definitely too awkward to discuss personally.
Probably shouting into the void here and pretty soon society will be a complete wreck of social dystopia once older generations pass away and nobody has had the complete social lifecycle. But damnit I can try!
Also, quit the apps if they are making you feel worse. You can still use them again once you processed what's going on inside you.
Also according to my teenager math I need to meet at least 100 people to meet one I have a connection with. Add sexual attraction and you should be constantly texting new people to increase your changes.
Sure one can get lucky and meet the right one waiting for the bus. Those odds are not great though.
If you want to meet someone, you have to find a platform where someone can meet you.
And that platform will be full of nihilists, alcoholics, traumatized souls, perfect ones that dont like you back, fun ones you have no chemistry with and so on.
Just like learning to code, play the violin or get in shape. No easy solution. Persistence and change strategy to tune results. And prepare to be disappointed a lot.
But at least giving someone a chance to meet you or get to know you, whatever portal you choose, is pretty much essential step nr 1.
How do you unsubscribe from dating apps? Don't use dating apps.
If no one comes out within the group, with time you’ll be comfortable enough around them to ask “hey is there anything wrong with my attitude? Am I likeable? In which case they can either help you or boost your ego and make you feel better and they can even start thinking of hooking you up with someone.