On eating out alone
tiramisu.bearblog.dev
tiramisu.bearblog.dev
At the same time, I'm not sure why there's so much anxiety from the author about doing things alone. As I'm not one of those people, perhaps I have a hard time understanding it, but the truth is, no one gives a shit about you in their day to day life, so there's really no societal pressure that I think the author feels.
Good times. Now people spend $20+ per seat.
Interesting how the same action can be internalized so differently by different people.
Going anywhere with people adds a low level of stress that is completely avoidable by going alone. And at a movie, once the lights go down, the rest of the audience fades away and it's just me and the screen. Doesn't matter if I'm with friends or complete strangers or even if it's an empty theater other than me.
Not only alone, but other to me quite absurd fears replace those when being "together":
> I don’t need to stress about the check, ordering the same thing as someone else, or being judged by coworkers. I’m free to read, write, eavesdrop, order, and eat as slowly as I please.
I can understand some.. fortunately aging really taught "noone gives a shit" - and if they do you often just should care even less!! ÷) (sure it depends, some etiquette makes sense.. don't disgust others etc..)
A drink can be an easy "company", but if night is busy, it's easy to get all wasted before seeing your appetizer.
Of course, these days smartphone is a well-accepted company at any table, solo or not.
Siri should really split the bill, come on! Enjoyed the ambiance, Ok Google? Now pay up your share or next time you'll get muted .
I dislike it more than being alone at home.
I also used to be a consultant, so there's that...
Why are you so surprised, though? Am I supposed to just sit there and stare at the wall?
Ended a very long relationship.
Is sharing one's feelings really a bad thing?
That seems like it is phrased that way? I'm not saying it's wrong to feel that way, it was just a question if even being alone at home is really such a bad thing.
I love being alone in the forest, though. I seek solitude on back logging roads -- places where people don't normally hike because it isn't 'pretty'.
Being alone in that context is freeing.
Thanks for the memory. Also, I'd have to say, you'll probably feel much more comfortable in time. But I admit, I don't go anywhere without a few books on my phone - just in case. ;)
The only place where I don't like to go alone are bars. It's boring and it feels a bit lonely seeing people partying where you're on your own.
I'm more akin to what the author describes: doing it primarily while traveling for work. I usually sit at the bar, have a pint and a basket of some sort of greasy finger food. I'd say 3/4 the time I find myself in smalltalk with others near me, or even the bartender. I'm not an incredibly social person either but I've found practically every experience doing it enjoyable. Doubly so since I'm travelling. Talking with others on their travels or the locals is great ways to find other things to do if you find yourself with the time to spare. Quick Edit: Airport bars are great some of the best for this experience imo. I've met some incredible individuals for the 10 minutes we share a space.
At 20, you worry about what others think about yourself.
At 40, you don’t care what others think about yourself.
At 60, you realize that nobody was thinking about yourself anyway.
Pretty liberating when you face situations like these, which can be uncomfortable at first.
However, this was really only at places where mostly groups of friends / couples would dine. I've dated before, but sitting alone in a cool cozy place only seeing couples / friends having a good time just makes me feel like a robot.
The bartenders don't care at all, and will happily leave you alone - and I don't feel guilty about occupying a table.
But seriously, it’s the best. No rush or delay in leaving, I can play a few chess games, and skim the occasional article or paper, and I can go for a walk in the park or drive around a bit after.
I try to get breakfast at least once a weekend, and though I sometimes invite friends I usually prefer going by myself as I find it to just be a great way to start the day. I barely even notice the strangers around me.
I definitely felt a stigma from eating alone, it doesn't matter how small that stigma was, or even if it was just in my head. My insecurities were amplified by social anxiety. I was single, not by choice, through lack of success mostly due to anxiety / insecurity. I felt like everyone seeing me as a young man eating alone would notice me and instantly leap to the correct conclusion I was unhappily single (and the incorrect conclusion I had no friends) and judge me as a failure.
I am now older, married with a young child, a chance to eat alone at a restaurant would be a rare welcome opportunity, but asking for a table for 1 is still a little uncomfortable for me. I know most people won't notice me, or care in the least bit why I am there. The server will have probably severed 100 lone diners that week with various reasons for being alone and I will not stand out from them in any way. The logic of that is mostly irrelevant and has limited impact on how it makes me feel.
Would rather just have them clear the second place - which makes me wonder if the difference is tables that are set before you seat vs tables that are empty before you sit down.
Now if you're lonely and eating out alone is stressful, well, it's your life. You can make friends or connect with family members.
You go to a restaurant: how do you have any kind off conversation beyond maybe a joke to someone in a line? My impression is that people are friendly but not interested in anything beyond pleasantries with a rando.
Or restaurants with bench seating (popular amongst pizzerias and German restaurants around here), exchanging a few pleasantries with people sitting next to you sometimes starts a full conversation.
If you're wondering how to start a conversation, a compliment goes a long way.
1. “Oh idk yet” (this means stop talking to me)
2. “Oh well I was looking at the shrimp, but the tofu also sounds good, I usually go for fish… etc etc” (this means keep talking)
If they react like #1 (short and not as interested, body language is turned away) then just smile and leave them be, no big deal. Just don’t keep talking at that point or you’ll just be annoying. Nothing personal, they just aren’t in the mood.
But a lot of the times, their eyes will light up, they’ll turn towards you, and they’ll tell you some more details like #2. This is where you ask more questions — “Oh, do you come here often? Do you live in the area? What other restaurants do you like? Have you seen the dolphins today?” And from that point, just see where it takes you.
Sometimes it’s just a quick 2 minute conversation and you don’t have much in common, so you just say “Ok well I hope you have a great rest of your night!” …But sometimes you get a response like “Oh the shrimp here is good, reminds me of a dish I got in Spain”, and you’ve been to Spain before so you go into more details about that! And it just takes off.
You’ve gotta just pay attention and be willing to stop talking if you run out of things to talk about, but sometimes you’ll have a lot in common and be able to dig deeper into shared stories and stuff.
Really it just takes practice, but nobody reasonable will be upset if you just kick off a quick chat & know when to stop if they’re uninterested.
I've always ate out with my parents, friends or even strangers (e.g. sitting next to a stranger at the university's cantine and making small talk).
Curiously I've never realised I hated it until I had to eat out alone for the first time, very late in life. I was doing a job interview in another city, involving an overnight stay and couldn't find a take away, for some reason.
I wandered into a nice, cozy, dimly lit restaurant, the kind you would go on a typical date or romantic evening, I suppose. I felt really awkward and anxious by being alone. Curious thing.
There's a way out. Sharing the experience soon after, possibly with contemporaneous notes, can turns it back into a shared experience. Call it a review if you like.
I have had terrible time to get over that with my current company, where everyone has different time slots for when they eat. I couldn't bear that and I will have to wait until I get back home so I can eat with my roommates.
I've lived in many different places in shared housing most of my adult life so far, and everyone cooked and ate separately. Thinking back this is true in all the different places I lived - shared meals were exceptional special occasions. Even when everyone I lived with were my friends, each did their own thing.
There were places I visited or stayed a few weeks on travels where the household ate together, which was nice to see, but I've never lived with a group like that. It sounds like it could be nice.
This is also one of those things were the "pressures" are self-created. People in restaurants certainly aren't shocked if you go in there by yourself.
I wonder if they've discovered the joys of going to movie theaters alone, too?
The only time people will go out of their way to be cruel about such things is in school, which leads me to suspect the author might have had a rough time.
It's a surprise to me seeing this offered as a comfort, since I think it would be slightly mortifying to most people in the subset you're addressing.
Every once in awhile though I’ll mix it up and get similar reactions.
This realization helped me a lot with social anxiety. For a long time I believed that everybody was watching and judging me. This made it very hard to go out and do things. It was a relief to be able to let go of this belief.
For some reason I've never had this issue at diners though. It's always a joy to eat alone at 6 am in a diner, no matter how many other parties are there. I don't know how that environment tricks my brain into feeling comfortable. Bars, too. I guess there is a popular image of lone patrons in these settings, and it makes one feel less conspicuous.
But bars and diners are often “working” food and so you’ll see people alone all the time.
Let sinergy of cold hard facts (aka rationality) and emotions drive your life. You will make best decisions like that, and they will stand the test of time. Also this way you dont end up easily as an arrogant ahole who just doesnt think about any consequenced.
Just do it may not be enough if you are not there yet, but once you are, you will understand why its true. Or life is too short to XYZ, or whatever else clicks with you.
> When I went to college I discovered that I harbored a serious aversion to eating alone in public.
So the answer to this remark:
> It can also be as simple as eating, seated in a restaurant, by yourself. Why make it more complicated or ritual-worthy than that?
is that "because it's not simple for them".
There's generally no objective reason for someone to have the aversion besides their own self-created mental barriers. In which case the solution quite practically is "get over yourself and try it". If the person's social anxiety is high enough that such advise is poor and inactionable they probably should be working with therapy and not writing general advise blogs.
Back to the primary subject though, it seems our author even recognizes this:
>But with practice, I’m starting to become more comfortable with dining alone and even enjoy it. It has its own charms, and I think everyone should do it once in a while.
So it does seem quite literally that simple. Even to our author.
But as I got older, I realized that I don't care at all what other people think about whether I'm eating alone or not, what I order, how fast I eat, etc etc. As long as no one is harmed, I just do what I want, and if other people don't like it, fuck 'em.
But this perspective comes with age.
Absolutely. I regret how much of my teens and early 20s I missed out on because of caring what other people think. But I guess it's rather normal. I guess that also explains the whole 'old naked guy in the shower room' trope...the older you get, the less you care.
Regardless, I'm trying to instill this in my 10 year old's head, but it's probably fruitless. She asks 'dont you feel embarrassed' when I go out in public with a grease stain, or messed up hair, or my trusty crocs.
I suppose I'm stating the obvious, but I had a very noticeable youth bias when I was in college and into my early 20's and really needed to be shaken out of it.
Alone, you're just paying $9 for a $2 beer.
Why not?
What's so bad about complexity or ritual? It's the author's choice whether or not to do it. They aren't demanding that you do, nor are they even demanding that you read about their personal choice to do so.
While showing numerous men, sitting alone in restaurant booths and at restaurant tables, devouring hamburgers alone.
It's just really frustrating that there are entire classes of restaurants I can't eat at while on business trip or similar. They will not even just charge me an additional fee or charge me for 2 people (I've asked, and I know how it works/don't need handholding or explanations so they really just need to drop off the meat twice and change the grill once if it's too burnt), just typically get "no we can't do that, minimum 2 people" in response
I like spending time with other people.
And:
I relish spending quality time with me.
Or to put it another way: I am great company. Even for myself.
The only awkwardness about it lasts all of 5 seconds when the wait staff ask you if you need a table for two or are expecting company.
Just fyi, why avoid it when it is so basic and feels good.