Today I Am 70: Here’s Stupid Advice with Good Intentions | Hacker News Reader

Today I Am 70: Here’s Stupid Advice with Good Intentions

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57 pointsherbertl12 comments

"Stop being nice. It’s a waste of time and energy. Nice often requires false expressions of caring, when you really couldn’t give a shit. Be kind."

This made me understand the difference!

I admit I still don't. Would you try explaining it?

Then you probably are kind.

Learn to set boundaries with people. It was easy for me to think I was just being "nice" when in reality I was just bad at setting boundaries. I'm still not the best at setting boundaries, but at least now I recognize after the fact when I let someone over step, compared to when I was younger and just thought it was normal.

For anyone curious this book helped me a lot: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/... especially the story at the very beginning.

Ouch!

I'm going exactly through the same thing right now. Trying to start a business and my cofounder will take absolutely everything that you give him and then demand more.

We had several yelling competitions in the last days. Setting boundaries post factum is extremely hard and that is putting it mildly.

Indeed, let's call it like it is -- I wasn't being nice; I was being a doormat.

Very fresh and painful lessons that are even now still boiling and developing in my brain.

Thank you for the advice. Trust me, it hit exactly where you meant it to. With 100% precision.

I think this might underrate the value of being nice. But, point taken: Don't overdo nice because you feel external pressure to do so.

Being kind is necessary and often sufficient.

Sounds like the premise of the movie Me, Myself and Irene. I think "nice" vs. "kind" here is just somewhat arbitrary vocabulary. I'm old enough to understand what she means, though. Getting along with someone, or avoiding conflict, doesn't mean you need to internalize it with genuine affection or empathy. If you do that, when your ability to feel that way inside runs out -- and it will -- you'll suddenly find it a lot harder to get along with people.

I liked the part about encouraging young people to be "annoying" || having principles and trying things out. It can feel daunting sometimes especially if you're going up against interests.

young people, underdogs, are going up against literal oil giants and all they get is scorn and hatred, it's pathetic

When things are structured (or: rigged) to reject external criticism, then the only alternative to being passive is to be annoying. Q.E.D.

I've been collecting quotes about this kind of thing for a while now...

"No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth." - Plato

"the further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those that speak it"

"Only dead fish follow the stream" - old Swedish saying

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." – Jiddu Krishnamurti

Happy birthday!

Nice

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