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Comment by pphysch | Hacker News Reader

The ugly truth is that this is how the core dating game works.

Men desire a beautiful woman. Women desire a wealthy man.

Women are able to signal their appearance by uploading pictures. Men are able to (more credibly) signal their wealth through otherwise pointless IAPs.

I'm not saying Hinge's system is perfect or good or even worth anyone's time, but it is a more honest portrayal of "the game" than putting both sexes on equal footing.

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Women desire _more_ than a wealthy man. They also preferentially select for "masculinity"[1]. So while a rose / perks signal wealth, At least anecdotally women also seem to have a bit of a resentment/disdain for using apps at all. They want a man with the "balls" (so to speak) to approach her, talk to her, not be afraid of rejection, have options but choose her[2].

So long as you can express enough of these signals, wealth beyond her income level won't be a deal breaker.

[1]: please just forgive this term as a stand in for the personality traits that express in people with sufficient testosterone and success as defined by the society.

[2]: this point is just common sense across all genders... having options but choosing one is a form of backing for a compliment. Choosing her out of a pool of no one else is not flattery, it's desperation.

And men also desire more than just a beautiful woman. But these are the single best indicators, evolutionarily speaking.

Wealth historically indicates hard work or power, which in turn indicate masculine traits.

Beauty historically indicates good health (childbearing) and self-care, which in turn indicate feminine traits.

These indicators can definitely be gamed, but they define the game for a reason.

That's a lot of words and odd formatting just to say that "women dig confidence". But it is of course very true!

a lot of the words were in attempts to prevent HN downvotes and/or cancellation from the mobs that exist in my various circles.

> [1]: please just forgive this term as a stand in for the personality traits that express in people with sufficient testosterone and success as defined by the society

What a world we live in, where people have to apologize for using the correct word to describe something.

I'm in my 40's and have dated a lot and been in many relationships and I have never experienced the "women desire a wealthy man" myth that you state as fact.

What do you think is a better trait, and how do you signal it over the Internet?

Most women I know will talk for days about the many creepy and misogynistic messages they receive daily on these platforms. All they really desire is a normal conversation with someone that doesn't creep them out.

There is more than one perspective to every story.

A man calls me a bitch for not being enthralled by a dick pic he sent after saying "what's up" and nothing else. What's his perspective and why should I care?

"Why should I, as victim of this extreme example, primarily vested in myself, care about the other perspective?"

You shouldn't.

But as a third party, I will absolutely be skeptical of all the women who "meet creepy men on the daily" and continue to be passive and use those services.

As for the original point. It wouldn't be the first time a woman covered herself by calling the other creepy over something minor. It's not exactly an unknown thing for humans to cover their own flaws and misjudgments by blaming the other party, man or woman.

My prognosis from a million miles away is that you are in dire need of in-depth discussions with many different women about their dating experiences and experiences with men in general. You seem to not understand the landscape at all.

That's not an extreme example. That's an extremely common experience that most women I know have had. Daily? No, but frequently, and I'm not terribly attractive. The more conventionally attractive friends of mine get way more attention and way more unsolicited dick pics.

What kind of services are they using which allow dick pics? Many of the dating apps will not allow sending pics of any kind; only a couple of them do, off the top of my head (CMB for one). Tinder and Bumble don't.

It really doesn't matter what's allowed, guys do it anyway and I'm assuming the risk that they get reported helps them get their jollies.

>It really doesn't matter what's allowed, guys do it anyway

Bullshit.

If the platform doesn't give you a technical way of sending a photo, then how the hell do you send a dick pic? You don't. You can't magically make a dick pic appear through a text message when that's all the platform allows.

I really expect better than this from HN.

Speaking as a woman on the internet: emotional intelligence and maturity. You signal that by genuinely having those traits and being yourself.

In my (fairly extensive) experience, most women do desire a man who can take care of himself and contribute financially to a partnership. Though that doesn't explain the many, many examples I have seen of relationships where a responsible and employed woman takes care of an unemployed/semi-employed man-child.

>Though that doesn't explain the many, many examples I have seen of relationships where a responsible and employed woman takes care of an unemployed/semi-employed man-child.

Women who get into those relationships have psychological problems and feel like they need a man who needs to be "fixed". They'll actively reject men who don't need to be "fixed". I've seen this in family members.

Buying internet gold on a dating site isn't a sign of dominance, sadly. It's a sign of weakness.

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