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Comment by dnfa | Hacker News Reader

I was diagnosed with spd a few years ago. I shared the diagnosis with a few friends, one of whom is a therapist, and they honestly thought it was a misdiagnosis because I don't always have a flat affect, can show happiness, etc. But honestly I loved being diagnosed because I could really identify with what I read about the disorder.

What is described here is something I also struggle with - the obligation to explain my worldview to others. Sometimes there is no way around it, because the more you withdraw to avoid voicing your opinion, the more guilt you can feel for somehow being sneaky or dishonest. I also don't know if sharing the 'why' would really help. What I see as matter-of-fact can make others extremely sad. Either way, it's interesting to think about. Thanks for sharing.

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How did you start down the diagnosis pathway?

My friend feels like the symptoms (clinical and social) fit her to a T, has felt depersonalized for most of her adult life, and often feels the need to explain and rationalize her experience to perplexed onlookers. My friend also passes somewhat well in society but feels like she has ‘generalized impostor syndrome’ ie towards people in general, not just in the workplace.

Feel free to define SWIM.

SWIM is often used in online discussions on sensitive topics to avoid self-identifying as a member of a stigmatized or criminalized group: Someone Who Isn’t Me.

However, I have a friend called SWIM, who is the referent in my posts. I’ll update the posts to refer to the friend explicitly.

Just went to therapy because I was depressed. I was lucky to have a really good therapist.

How do you define good therapist? Obviously it’s not straightforward and YMMV, but are there heuristics you use, red flags, green flags etc?

My friend has avoided mental healthcare for her entire life (pathologically stoic) and thinks that she shouldn’t but feels out of her depth.

Honestly just chose one at random and ended up building trust with them because they were professional and academic. I kept going back because it was interesting to me to talk about my experience and have them weigh in with what the DSM says, what academics are saying, etc.

In my experience, finding a good therapist depends on establishing a good rapport in a short period of time. To help the odds, I find looking at therapists' profiles[0] for what one finds important helps.

LGBTQ+? Religious? Strongly religious? Polyamorous? An athlete? Willing/unwilling to take medications? Drug use? Etc.

Anything you do not want to be a part of your therapy is something to check profiles for.

If you are a part of a group, talk to local members of that group on-line or in person. They likely will have inside information on what therapists are considered friendly.

I'd also read up on the different types/styles of therapists/therapy. You may find you're fine with any of them. You may find some of them horrifying. This info is likely to be on their profile.

Edited to add:

Go in with an idea of what you want out of therapy. If you're not sure, you can talk to the therapist about what's possible. Do you want coping strategies / a change in behavior / someone to talk to / someone to help determine why you're depressed / etc?

If it isn't working with a therapist, you can pick a different one. It may be worth talking to the current one about what's not working for you, but you always have the right to see someone else.

[0] Searching the web for the therapist's name and location is a good place to start. If you have insurance, insurance profiles may also provide information.

>Go in with an idea of what you want out of therapy.

My friend struggles with this. She feels mostly comfortable with being odd and feels like she is successful. It’s easy enough to avoid (or mask up with) people who don’t or won’t understand. At the worst, there is an awkward interaction that can be cut short. Sometimes she has bad spells but bounces back OK.

Perhaps therapy isn’t for her after all. There are worse off people in this world who would benefit more.

Emotional coldness is when you react calmly to inflammatory statements that normies can't withstand.

Self-control is pathological

More like a legitimate failure to react to illegitimate stimulus. It underperforms when not honest.

In any case the definition explicitly talks about appearances and expressions, not feelings.

> What is described here is something I also struggle with - the obligation to explain my worldview to others. [...] What I see as matter-of-fact can make others extremely sad.

Hopefully I'm not making the struggle worse by asking this -- but can you explain what you mean? That is, what is it about your worldview that causes others to feel extremely sad?

I have a similar experience. It is the emotional detachment from otherwise emotionally salient things that catches people off guard. Sometimes it is interpreted as "dark humor" or "deep cynicism" when the person offering the insight means it only in a realist/stoic sense.

I feel you :(

A personal example: if the conversation ever turns to children, or why we don't have any, the real answer is that we (my wife and I) strongly believe that any children we might have had would have a (much) worse experience growing up than we did. They would almost certainly not be able to dream about affording housing, they will be dealing with fallout from the ubiquity of PFAS/PFOS/pthalates/microplastics/..., probably getting dragged into war(s), dealing with a polarised society and lack of civil discourse, they will have every move they make from birth tracked by companies that will be telling them what to buy and when, their ability to hold a political opinion that is their own will be severely compromised by social media and advertisers, they will be dealing with the fallout of climate change/ increased atmospheric pollutants, the list goes on. It seems that on so many measures the world is getting objectively worse, and much harder to navigate. So I censor myself when taking to friends, particularly friends with kids, because it's not fair on them to cause them to start worrying like I do.

"because it's not fair on them to cause them to start worrying like I do."

but apart from the chivalry

maybe cause them to start worrying is a movement of kindness and fairness after all. Unless you prefer them to live in utopia and you in reality.

I mean, if you're focused on reading all the terrible things going on in the world all the time, you aren't actually living in reality. You're living in a reality created by journalists whose job is to get you to click on their articles - usually by reporting the most depressing or terrifying news with a strongly negative bias.

And now you’re living in a utopian wonderland where governments do nothing wrong and there is no war, crime or corruption

The parent merely suggested not focusing on bad news "all the time" -- they did not recommend ignoring bad news altogether.

I wanted to say that I admire you and your wife's selflessness. Many people _know_ these things, but avert their gaze because they want kids, or don't want to rock the boat too much by not having any.

> or don't want to rock the boat too much by not having any.

Why is "not having children" rocking the boat. Intuitively, I would rather argue that (for example because of reasons outlined by the GP) having children means rocking the boat.

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