Comment by kelseyfrog | Hacker News Reader

Comment by kelseyfrog | Hacker News Reader

> for some reason, I tend to interpret a written message in a much worse way than I do a message that is communicated verbally.

There doesn't seem to be many responses that address this part of what you wrote, so I hope this reaches you well. Let me try to rephrase it to see if I'm understanding it. It's that you feel like the absence of vocal inflection and non-verbal cues lead you to interpreting Slack messages in a more negative light than you feel you should be? And this is adding up, yes?

If I'm in the ballpark, I might suggest chatting with a therapist. You sound like you've identified the distal cause, but understanding the root of the issue is going to be instrumental to identifying the necessary changes to get you on the right track. While I believe the responses you have received are well-intentioned, it's my belief that you'll likely make great strides by talking with someone who can engage you with real conversation and have a back and forth and cooperative approach to figuring this out.

I hope that no matter the path you follow, you end up working it out. It sounds like it's impacting your life in a pretty big way. Take care

Written communication can come across as cold and impolite, even when this isn't really the writer's intent.

People often forget to use basic manners and niceties online. Or they leave them out intentionally because it seems superfluous, or because they want to mimic the tone they see.

But this has a cost. It's human nature to want to be acknowledged, and to be surrounded by kindness rather than coldness.

It's amazing how far a simple gesture like a "thanks" or a "nice job" can go.

My only advice would be to pay attention to your own communication style. You may be able to influence others by communicating in the same way that you appreciate.

However, you can't change what happens in people's minds.

Therapy is worthwhile.

I know it’s probably not how many developers typically roll, but since working fully remote and living more in chat tools I’ve started to throw emoji around hard.

Originally the inspiration came from a consultant I worked with pre-pandemic who was very liberal with emoji. At first I wasn’t a fan but after a while he wore me down

It’s a simply way to add that missing tone back into a non-verbal message and given the changes in work environment that we’ve all been through, plus a younger generation coming through, emoji usage is definitely “professional” enough for the workplace.

I agree with the parent that speaking to a professional is probably a good idea, but you could also try to jazz up your comms. It can be fun!

I fully agree with this advice as to a way to communicate your actual feelings in a sentence. Emojis don't work here, but the difference between

"I have no idea what I'm doing... :D"

and

"I have no idea what I'm doing... :("

is a large one, and having that to communicate it is quite handy.

THAT SAID, to @ccakes -- while I agree with your statement, it unfortunately doesn't help the OP. They specifically said that they have a problem with INTERPRETING comments in the worst possible light. The solution for that will not be to use more emojis themselves -- they would need their coworkers to do so.

If you start using emojis with coworkers you interact with frequently in a way that seems useful, at least some will start using them as well.

I always use conventional comments (https://conventionalcomments.org) because of a similar issue, and whenever I join a new team, I find other people start doing it too, without even explicitly pushing it.

Therapy is a good idea, but it’s pretty universally true that written communication is more likely to be understood negatively. Good communicators understand this and strive to write less critically e.g. questions instead of commands, stating assumptions, never saying “just”… I for one use a crap ton of emojis in professional communication because otherwise messages default to sounding sour.

I also found this to be the biggest clue from OP's post, not Slack specifically. You did a great job explaining why therapy could be a good answer, since what they're experiencing definitely isn't something one need always live with.

I've observed others have difficulty adjusting to WFH for the same reason; they have a hard time assuming the best intentions of their coworkers when only ever dealing with them asynchronously. Therapy, or at least mentally acknowledging where the disconnect is, could make a huge difference I think.

when you inevitably experience something like axed over zoom with no warning and good reviews you start to distrust intentions.

Reflecting on my other comment, the therapy angle I would explore is the anxiety created from a fear of failure due to not responding to all of the messages.

One way to test this is to just not respond to a slack message for say 5mins, then 10mins, then an hour, then say half a day and then a day. You will train the folks to ping you less and you will learn that nobody cares if you respond. And the benefit will be that you trained them to go elsewhere.

If anyone asks, say you were focused on a specific task (which you probably are) and muted slack or something. Remember your job is to produce dev stuff and not mediate slack or serve as an information conduit for folks. Those interactions should take place in a meeting.

Most likely your anxiety will increase at each interval but then dissipate when no negative consequences arrive. You then increase your tolerance and so forth.

My take on slack is that if it is serious they'll find another way to get in touch with you.

Another thing to try to get mgmt to set up slack etiquette.

Another thing to do is to train your colleagues by only reinforcing positive behavior and ignoring things they can figure out on their own.

Honestly a slack bot gpt-3 thing that learns from a background of corp docs isn't a bad idea. Basically Anton from SV.

I'm one of those who tend not to embellish my written messages with all sorts of euphemisms and fluff. So maybe my coworkers find my written communication a bit dry.

First, I don't have very good verbal skills and second, I find certain contorted forms of language to communicate simple things disingenuous. So I'd rather say "please do X" instead of "oh there is no rush, I wanted to just give you a friendly nudge to blah blah and then circle back blah blah". It all sounds passive aggressive in the latter form IMO.

That said, you want to meet the people you talk to over a video call or even better in person in order to establish a good understanding and trust. Overall written format has a much lower bandwidth than the verbal communication. gifs and emojis do help a little communicate the tone though.

This the right answer. The problem could not be the inability of technology to capture nuance in written communication. The problem is with you and you need to seek therapy and get help.

You can look at my comment history to find my thoughts on individuation as a form of diversion away from systemic critique and as much as I agree with you on this I still believe OP would benefit tremendously from exploring therapy.

Great satire.

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