Comment by querez | Hacker News Reader

Comment by querez | Hacker News Reader

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> When I was single I absolutely hated the mandatory 1-3 days chatting that was necessary until it became acceptable to ask someone on a date.

This was not my experience at all. 1-3 days of chatting would destroy any chance of ever meeting someone for me. Having a nice intro chat immediately followed up by a question to meet or exchange numbers within the first 10 messages worked significantly better than trying to have meaningful chats over tinder. I find that the first excitement of a match very quickly tapers of, so either you build on that initial momentum to transition into a date, or interest will fade quickly. Because let's face it, you'll both match other people in the mean time, and then those new matches become more exciting than coming up with new small-talk when the first few messages have become stale.

Getting to know a person works better face to face, so I'd rather be quick to move to that stage, and be more selective about who I think I might want to spend a first-date hour with. (My go-to was to grab a beer at a bar and then see if there's enough interest to spend the rest of the evening together walking through the city).

That's exactly how this should work. You should move from messaging to a meeting as quickly as possible. If you try to set up a date and other side proposes something like a week from now - it's already over. It's simply too long to hold most conversations on apps like Tinder, most women have 10-100 other guys that write to them at the same time as you. It's also hard to judge a character from chat, hence like you wrote, meeting quickly allows you to know if it's a person for you as soon as possible.

I tried to setup a meeting within 10-15 messages and it worked, I'm in a second relationship that started from Tinder, one lasted 4 years, current one is going on for almost a year. Moving to a meeting is the most important step, noone wants to maintain tedious in-app conversations with dozens of people for a long time.

Also, be creative, ask whatever comes to your mind, even if you find it weird, all the girls I met were bombarded with either boring jokes, repetitive compliments or 'Hi's. After first few it's impossible to answer nicely or make a conversation out of those. I got best conversations out of weird questions, I asked what pierogi does she like f.e.

> or exchange numbers

Okay, finally a place I can ask this. I hope you and others can explain. Why would exchanging numbers (or Snap accounts, etc.) with someone be a goal? You already have a way to communicate! I understand moving to in-person dating, but not to another way to text.

> I'd rather be quick to move to that stage, and be more selective about who I think I might want to spend a first-date hour with.

I think either you mistyped the funnel or I misread it. You make it sound like a first-date hour (or so) is given freely and first-date evenings are rarer. Which sounds reasonable, but also seems contradicted by the part I quoted.

> Why would exchanging numbers […] with someone be a goal?

Because it is the next step on the way to exclusivity.

On the dating platform you are one of potentially hundreds (or thousands) of message chains and easily overlooked. In their phonebook you are most likely not.

So it's a promotion that happens to one out of hundreds or thousands of message chains, where the expectation is that it happens after several days of messaging in Tinder and standing out from those chains?

> Why would exchanging numbers (or Snap accounts, etc.) with someone be a goal?

If you think of apps as locations, you are switching from "meeting at the bar"(dating app) to going somewhere where you both spend more time "happily" (some other app/messaging). A lot of people used to swipe like two sessions a day, but would be texting/snapchatting all day. So you are inviting that person to be more present in your days.

It signals that you are willing to take one small step towards something vs. "just chatting on tinder"

The framing helps. It also helps that you referred to going into Tinder as a "swipe session".

Also, not sure if it's incompetence or decision, but Tinder has atrocious messaging compared to dedicated messaging systems.

"Why would exchanging numbers (or Snap accounts, etc.) with someone be a goal? You already have a way to communicate! I understand moving to in-person dating, but not to another way to text."

Because you can then simply talk on the phone.

Phones are not just for texts.

Hearing their voice is important. I once matched with a women who looked intriguing, met up for coffee after texting and as soon as she started talking my overwhelming shock was "dear god, she sounds EXACTLY like my ex-wife!" That went nowhere in a hurry.

In general I absolutely agree with you, I also never understood this either, and have chalked it up to being an "American-ism" (meaning: it's not something that people do in my part of the world (=Europe)). But I still prefer to switch to a "normal messenger" when on tinder (e.g. WhatsApp is what most people in my area use) quickly. Mostly it's just part of playing the dating game: you don't use Tinder to talk to your friends or other people, so moving off that platform is a natural "next level". It also helps when meeting up (I can share my current location so it's easier to find me in a public place once we actually meet up). But in general I don't see this as an important step of dating.

I don’t know what’s the gender ratio on dating apps in the western world but here in India - it’s too skewed; so as a man, getting the number usually means you’re among the 2-3 in the WhatsApp inbox at a time.

Inside the dating app messenger? No idea — her right sweep will mostly result in a match so you’re competing for attention with potentially a huge number of people depending upon how much that person right sweeps. (PS. I am not kidding — this could be true even for female profiles with zero pictures, zero details :D).

So it’s a way of getting filtered up.

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