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Comment by beebmam | Hacker News Reader

> It has its upsides though. My parents were abusive and our relationship is very limited today. Limiting contact with them is the best decision I’ve made in my life

Same here. My mother is a narcissist who lives in denial and makes the rest of her family miserable through her emotional abuse. As a young adult, possibly due to not being able to recognize any red flags, I ended up engaged to a woman who also was a narcissist and abuser, and eventually things led to her holding a chef's knife to my face telling me she was going to kill me and then herself because she thought I didn't spend enough time with her.

I much prefer loneliness to enduring that kind of stuff. I'm grateful to the loneliness, in a sense. I have no master to answer to but my own generosity and patience, and I'd gladly trade anything to never be in a situation like that again.

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But the point I was getting at is that perhaps having a wider network of connections - larger than just your immediate family - would be a better buffer against loneliness.

In societies with more dense familial/societal networks people just have more people around. Imagine if you lived in a town with half of your extended family. Say 4 aunts and uncles and 30 cousins (of different degrees 1st, 2nd etc). You'd know more immediate family but also they'd know people who you would have gotten to know.

If you lost contact with parents or a spouse you wouldn't end up knowing nobody. You would have a rich network to fall back on.

Now there are issues with this. You might not like everyone and everyone might know your business, which is annoying - but you'd probably suffer from less loneliness.

>I much prefer loneliness to enduring that kind of stuff.

That comment made me chuckle, no offense.

You're right, one big issue with loneliness is "what are the alternatives to it?" and sometimes they're even worse, even though you may not notice it at first.

Hanging out with people just to avoid being alone could lead you to engage in some vicious relationships who may end up being worse for you and your mental health.

Big mistake I made in my 20s that ended up wasting 12 - 13 years of lifetime

It's tricky. Myself being very comfortable alone, I still find myself sometimes craving for socialization, but hanging out with people who don't like the same music as me always leaves me more depressed than before.

Reads like: - I got burned by fire. - Now I do not use fire at my house, I don't need it. - But now, you also cannot cook or warm yourself.

I think you may be missing on some important things be staying alone. Humans are social beings, social capital is also a thing. Being alone is good when you are young and healthy, when you get older and have a health issue (hopefully not) it may be a devastating experience when no one visits you in the hospital.

I am a single now, but I don't want it to stay this way forever. It would be kind of sad for me to spend my older days alone. Also I want to have a child, after all it may be my best contribution to the world (my code would probably be all gone in next 15 years).

I can recommend you this book as a starting point: https://www.amazon.com/What-Happened-You-Understanding-Resil... It helped me understand some of my issues.

Sounds to me like you're projecting your own feelings on others.

I'm quite happy living on my own.

Not having to put up with other people's drama is a giant asset.

Maybe you just need an influencer to tell you how to live your own life?

To me, this is a really sad aspect of living in one's own head, instead of appreciating our brief moment of not being a mineral...

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