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Comment by hahamrfunnyguy | Hacker News Reader

Divorced for two years and I did most of the cooking, it didn't affect me much because I was already making large batches of food and freezing it. Here's my system:

- I cook about two dishes per week that freeze and re-heat well. (chilis, curries, soups, stews, refried beans, hummus, beans, etc) - I cook 6-8 servings at a time, eat one right away and put two away and freeze the rest - Before I eat up the rest of what's in the fridge, I get another 2-4 servings out of the freezer and put them in the fridge - If I don't want to have what's in the fridge or freezer I cook a quick meal (stir fry, omelet, mac & cheese, pasta, ramen, etc)

I never get bored of my food and I don't spend a ton of time cooking. I also like to make things that can be "remixed" into other dishes to keep things interesting.

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Divorced and Widowed is not the same thing. In later specially in happy marriage grief component is very profound. In case of divorce grief might not be present.

I'll add to this, gently. There can be some awkwardness around how others refer to the person in your life who died. "Ex" is definitely not it. Gently correct them.

Also, when I talk about that time or person in my life, depending how much I want to get it into it and the level of familiarity, I describe that person using one of:

- My late wife

- My wife, who passed away

- My wife at the time

- A family friend

- I know someone who...

If I'm trying to relate to something a relative stranger is telling me, I'll use one of the later versions unless I want to drop the (often unknown what to do with) bomb that I experienced such-and-such with my dead wife, too. Many people don't know how to handle that.

> If I'm trying to relate to something a relative stranger is telling me, I'll use one of the later versions unless I want to drop the (often unknown what to do with) bomb that I experienced such-and-such with my dead wife, too. Many people don't know how to handle that.

Asking as someone that wants someone such as yourself, a total stranger, to feel like they can share however much they need if it helps in any way: how _should_ I handle that?

It kinda pains me to hear you basically explain how you have to consider another person's feelings when you are in pain. I can't imagine even having that capability myself, were I walking in your shoes.

I guess I just mostly mean keeping the seriousness level of the conversation at about the same place. If it's someone I know well or we're talking pretty seriously, I'd bring up the topic. If it's a light conversation, especially with a stranger or lesser-known acquaintance, I'd relate things in a way that doesn't necessarily bring up a death unless that's relevant to the topic at hand.

being a victim of divorce court is entirely a circumstance of your choosing.

first, I absolutely agree that divorcee and widow are entirely different concepts and experiences.

But, unpopular opinion : becoming romantically involved with another is also a circumstance of your choosing; and although the death of a partner is rarely the choice of a spouse, the emotional involvement and entangled lives are the product of choices by both parties.

root parent : I can't myself imagine the loss of my partner, as I have grown so dependent on the relationship and the companionship provided. I think you are coping very well compared to how I see myself handling something similar, and I hope your days continue to improve.

As for the restaurant judgements : who cares what other people think? Screw 'em. There's a lot of judgemental bastards out there, and their opinion doesn't mean a damn thing.

That's simply not true, and I'm not entirely sure what would motivate someone to say such a thing. I would speculate, however, that it's a gleeful kind of trolling, a chance to say, "But it was your fault!" in the face of someone in great pain.

Consider the case where your child dies. Yet, you chose to have a child, knowing that he or she may die. So, you are also suffering from a circumstance of your choosing, no? Well, no, that is absurd. In fact, any misfortune can be similarly characterized as "of your choosing" since choice always affects the situation we experience. The logical problem is that the situation is not a function only of choice; change factors in, as do the choices of others. The ethical, or moral problem is that such a statement openly expresses contempt for those in pain, and a positive desire to increase that pain, and I think sadists like that serve no purpose on this Earth.

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