I was a bit disappointed to see that this article mostly fell back on the trope of British English being extremely verbose and indirect. I think a much more interesting counterfactual would be, If PHP Were Anglish.

"Anglish" is the name given to a kind of hobbyist-led reimagining of English that is as close as possible to modern English, but in a parallel universe where the 1066 invasion of England wasn't successful, and English didn't adopt a huge number of French words. https://wiki.anglish.info/wiki/Main_Leaf

Here are some English words used in computing that are derived from French, and their Anglish equivalents:

Binary | Twile

Clone | Betwin

Command | Bid, behest

Concurrent | Bytimely

Computer | Reckoner, arimer (from "rime" meaning "number")

Engine | Gearwork

Event | Happening

Multiprocessing | Manyworking

Polymorphism | Manishapliness

There are also quite a few words that are already Germanic with no French influence:

Backup, bandwidth, bit, bookmark, boot(strap), broadband, browser, bug, cookie, download, flash, framework, inbox, keyboard, laptop, mainframe, motherboard, online, output, root, runtime, shell, software, thread, web, wireless.