Hacker News Reader

Comment by _8j50 | Hacker News Reader

> My advice is: Don’t scheme. Be diplomatic, but just ask for what you want and give the real reason that you want it.

Ummm...no. Then "Alice" in that example will eventually find out what I said and the manager and peers will think I am difficult to work with if my reason is not wanting to work with someone. A good manager has to read between the lines and understand these things without being told so outright. I can only recall one time where I complained about someone to a manager and only because I had no choice and it was affecting my work.

"Don't bring your manager problems, only solutions"

View on HN

There's actually a right way to do this: pad it.

The blog post gives an example response to being paired with a coworker you dislike working with:

> "I'd prefer not to work with Alice again. There's a bit of a personality clash and I had trouble getting proper credit."

Don't just say this. Instead, say:

> "Alice is an incredibly bright person and a great developer. However, I'd prefer not to work with Alice again. There's a bit of a personality clash and I had trouble getting proper credit. I'm certain Alice will be a highly productive member of team in my absence."

If you don't actually think those things about Alice, take some time, meditate on it, and find some things you do really respect about them.

The book Crucial Conversations says to be "100% honest, and 100% respectful". It made me reconsider what I can directly communicate. In the past I would consider 1 or 2 ways to say something and then give up, but the truth is there are hundreds of ways to communicate something and unless you've spent a lot of time actively considering them, you haven't considered them all. (Spending a lot of time passively stressing and worrying about what you want to say doesn't count, because those are probably poor thinking patterns.)

It still paints alice in a bad way. People only care that you said bad things about them. Words are cheap until they hurt you lol. Before I had one problem, after telling that to the manager I will have at least 3 problems (+alice+manager).

Totally agree. I’d also say it paints yourself in a bad way since you’re showing you aren’t willing to work through your differences with Alice. No free lunch, but if you’re already committed to this approach the least you could do is be supportive of your colleagues even when you’re unwilling to work with them.

> Ummm...no

Blog posts like these are depressingly predictable in terms of being a list of "if all of you would do these (often impossible) things for me, it would make my life a lot easier" without considering whether or not they actually work well for the person they're exhorting to make their lives easier (for no extra compensation, job security or status).

Unless there's strong reason to believe Alice cannot be reasoned with, it'd be better to try and work things out with her rather then immediately trying to go over her head. If I imagine bringing this to any manager I've had, I think they would hand it back to me and tell me to at least try talking to her.

So what you probably want here instead of a manger is a buddy who can help you workshop and roleplay this difficult conversation so that you can be prepared to talk to Alice without coming out swinging and making her defensive, and who won't blab about your conversation. Ideally things just stay between you and Alice and you both become better coworkers for it.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com