> and probably a lot more performant to boot
I highly doubt your home-grown pattern matching functions could beat the decades of optimization that have gone into RegEx engines, in anything but the most trivial of patterns (like the one demonstrated here). Creating your own ad-hoc pattern matcher instead of using the ubiquitous one built into your language is like the junior in the article re-implementing JOINs. Sure, you may be able to beat the engine occasionally on particularly simple patterns, but I guarantee you'll lose out overall.
RegEx is not inherently slow, and it is definitely possible to maintain. See industries with serious text processing demands like bioinformatics, where Perl is still used extensively. They could not operate like they do if they shied away from RegEx like many developers seem to.