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Comment by jjeaff | Hacker News Reader

I'd say you have about as much control over your career trajectory as you do your home life (arguably more control over how your home life turns out). And I agree that memory is fickle and weird but I think there is a reason you so rarely hear someone say, they wished they had spent more time on their career rather than family. They recognize what brought/brings them happiness.

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I suspect that a lot of deathbed regrets about not spending enough time with your kids is for the benefit of the kids. Who would say “I’m glad I didn’t spent all that much time with you and your siblings. Frankly. I had better things to do.”

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t spend more time with your family. I’m saying that we should give our past selves the benefit of the doubt when it comes to their decision making, whatever your present self decides to do. It’s just an argument against regret.

Not affirming or disproving anything you wrote, it just reminded me that my mother once told that in one of the last conversations she had with my grandmother, she told her she never really loved her as much as she loved my uncle (or maybe that she didn't really love her much at all, I don't remember exactly). She was eventually senile enough to be unable to talk towards the end of her life.

I also found it interesting that my grandmother was extremely loving and caring to me. And my grandfather (who was ever less kind to my mother than my grandmother was) was very affectionate to his great-grandchildren (but not his grandchildren). Maybe they both regretted it near the end of their lives and tried to handle things differently with the younger generations?

But yes, I agree- I would guess most people had more tact and empathy than my grandmother apparently had towards her daughter, and wouldn't say something like that even if it was true. And if they did many their kids wouldn't be too quick to recount the experience publicly?

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