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danparsonson

So... what if your inner critic doesn't believe any of the affirmations?

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Ask 'em why they don't. Something like this:

----

Inner Critic: This is bullshit. I do not love and accept myself exactly as I am.

You: What's missing?

Inner Critic: I'm out of shape, I live alone, and I make two cents out of every dollar I make for my boss.

You: Yeah, those all suck. Damn. What can we do about these things?

Inner Critic: Man I dunno, I just know this sucks.

Inner Manic Pixie Dream Girl: Hey, remember that broadsword club that meets in the park every Saturday? We could start doing that again, it's free, and it's an hour or so waving a heavy thing around with a bunch of other people, some of whom you know damn well have better jobs than us and could end up being a valuable connection if we end up as friends, some of whom might also turn out to be potential housemates, friends, or lovers. No promises of anything beyond "getting in better shape" but that's certainly more opportunities for something to happen.

Word of caution is that such '5 Why' trains of questions might not dig out the real reason, and will steer you away from the actual problem. Oftentimes inner critic reacts[0] to strong emotions in the present, trying to validate, "fix" or rationalise them, purely because you are not used to working with such strong emotions -- this could be due to upbringing, emotional neglect and some other reasons.

Critic might not be logical at all.

Referenced is an excellent book[0] from a clinical psychologist that has many detailed strategies to dig out the reasons behind critical thoughts and properly reframe them.

0 - Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay; https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Asse...

In modern therapy it is considered[0] that at least some of the inner critic issues are responses to past traumatic events and emotional trauma. It tries to help you avoid doing something that hurt you in the past, like a legacy broken failsafe mechanism.

Perfectionism, avoidance and other problems often have very traceable roots in the past, and there are therapy tools like EMDR[1] that help to fix or mitigate the root causes.

In my experience, it is not really possible to fix serious emotional trauma with affirmations, and deeper emotional work is required to start seeing your inner critic (and other trauma symptoms) shrink.

The best way to start working on such problems as inner critic is to find a licensed mental health specialist.

0 - http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm and similar research on CPTSD

1 - https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/02/17/emdr-and-trauma-what-...

Pete Walker writes good books, but sometimes I find his prescription of out-fighting the critic counterproductive. I observe that the voice of certain unproductive thoughts I have is more like a wounded child than a critical adult. It says "Why even try?" sadly rather than mockingly. Fighting it makes this worse. It needs love and cuddles.

That was my experience as well. I am not a big fan of his 13 step flashback management process, or some of the other strategies, as they never worked effectively for me, but in my opinion he does an excellent job to map the battlefield, establishing causes and effects.

His book is a good starting point, along with two other classics[0][1], but it is also rather old (10 years this year!), with more strategies and research done on top of it by other psychologists since then.

[0] Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/01...

[1] Running on Empty by Jonice Webb & Christine Musello https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emot...

A book I read recently suggested to let your inner critic speak, but then let, what it calls, your inner advocate get the last word - counter what the inner critic is saying. I have tried this on a number of occasions and it's been net positive for me - YMMV.

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