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It sounds to me like the author is trying to write php like he would use javascript.

existing php projects won't soon benefit from language features and new frameworks without significant rewrites, and their absence make php less attractive for the style of development he seems to favor.

Why not just use javascript?

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The article's intention was to promote the idea that plain-old functions should have their place as an equal contemporary to classes. I'm mostly a fan of PHP's object model, it's more complex than it needs to be in some ways, but it works. I could write a similar article on JavaScript talking about how it needs to indoctrinate a class hierarchy paradigm. My understanding is there are talks of this happening in ECMA.next. But CoffeeScript's model is currently good enough for me.

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