Notably, obviously we can't value cryptocurrencies as bonds because then they would be worthless. Even the most ardent cryptosceptic would have to admit that a bitcoin is worth something, just as a memento of being part of the fun. Even if the exchange rate is 10k bitcoin/pizza.

It would be like valuing gold as a bond and determining the value is 0. The value is higher than that because the value isn't in a coupon.

Also, ironically, I suspect a zero-coupon bond would probably be worth something because it is likely that some central bank would happily overpay for it in a crisis.