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Comment by kapep | Hacker News Reader

"the story in my head" sounds really weird to me as a non-native speaker. Is that a common phrase?

I guess "The story in my head is that you asked me to send that status email ..." means that this is what they remember. On the other hand "... the story in my head is that you think owning that number is part of my job, and now you’re upset with me, or you think I’m incompetent at my job" sounds like they mean "the story [that I made up] in my head". Can someone explain?

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It’s a philosophical construct acknowledging that the speaker’s reality might not match the listener’s. It stems from the idea that we all perceive the world differently and that there is no universal truth. It’s a longer form of “I think”, which takes ownership of your thoughts and doesn’t force the other person to conform to your reality.

It’s also an attempt to make an “unarguable” statement. You and I can debate forever if a chair is blue. But if I say “I think the chair looks blue”, it’s typically unreasonable for you to debate what thoughts are in my head.

Despite how careful someone may be when communicating, there's almost always room for different interpretations of what's been communicated. The "story in my head" is another way of saying: "There's a few different ways to interpret what you're saying, and here's the interpretation that I've settled on. Is that the one you intended?"

Yeah, that's what they mean. I don't think it's a common phrase, but it might be intentionally weird?

I might instead instead say 'So, what I'm hearing is you want me to send that email.' But that phrase is often used for passive aggression, so it shouldn't be used in a low trust situation.

The usual way I hear it and say it is, "I have a story that...".

The intended purpose is to create some space between my mental model (which includes my beliefs about your intentions and feelings) and yours. It allows me to share information about my thoughts while inviting you to offer a different point of view.

Making direct statements about another person's feelings or thoughts ("You're angry", "You think I'm incompetent") will usually offend them or provoke immediate defensiveness. Saying "I have a story..." turns an aggressive-sounding statement into a more vulnerable one.

You've pretty much got it bang on. I suspect the author of the article is referencing this concept from Brené Brown who has written a full book around it. It's definitely a great read if your interested I've found her writing style flows really nicely.

She does relate some concepts to her other books though so you may end up getting 3 books by the end of it :)

https://www.amazon.ca/Rising-Strong-Ability-Transforms-Paren...

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