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Comment by talldatethrow | Hacker News Reader

I'm dating a middle school teacher right now. And she tries so hard to stop bullying, constantly trying to show videos and have discussions about how "words matter!!!! Choose your words carefully!!" On and on.

I told her.. why don't you teach kids the truth.. the words don't matter. If a someone calls you stupid, and you aren't, who cares? If a bum calls me a loser, do I get upset? I move on. Only if someone you respect has a critique of you should you even pause for a split second and think about the critique.

If some dude calls you fat, personally I would think "what kind of wierdo harps on someone's weight.. there must be something wrong with him. Thus, I don't care what he even says."

But we instead teach kids "words matter!" So when they do get teased and bullied, they take the words to heart. So stupid.

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You do realize that both things are possible, right? You can recognize what people say to you isn’t worth reacting to and that you can choose your words to better respect others.

Who do you want to spend your time on? The abusers in hopes of teaching them "your words matter, you're so powerful, so be nice" or spend your time teaching the nice kids "don't listen to the mean people, they are weak and stupid"?

I think it's better to help the nicer kids.

You do both. Lots of people are abusive because they were abused. We should help them break the cycle.

Bingo. I was bullied in school and that's how I mentally dealt with it - why do I care what some knucklehead thinks or says about me? And the fact that he or she is saying mean things to me indicate I specifically should not care about what they say.

Words only have power over you if you let them. Otherwise they are meaningless.

Most people don't have the ability to choose what affects us emotionally. We can learn to build resilience and get less reactive, but we can't just turn off our emotional reactions completely.

If you can do that, it sounds great. For most people, they cannot do this and cannot be taught to.

I disagree. It's not easy to choose, but it very much is possible, they can do it, and they get much can be taught to do so.

If a homeless person said "you're a loser and a failure! You disgust me!", would you really care? I think not.

Apply that to every other idiot.

Unless what they're saying is actually true, well then that's up to you. I've been a bit fat before. A few people, friends and my mother, called me out on it. It was a helpful reminder that other people see it too. Now I'm not longer fat. Now, if they kept saying it to me daily... I'd think "ok these people are just being mean spirited.. that's not a good person.. and I don't care what mean spirited people have to say because they'll always find something."

I think it's a skill worth learning, instead of reminding both victims and their abusers that the words do matter. It hurts the victims more and empowers the abusers.

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