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Comment by LostLetterbox2 | Hacker News Reader

I find it funny that the author suggests that husbands have more time for hobbies and friends; I don't know about hobbies but male friendship has been in decline for a long time now... The EFT framing is a good model but the gendered arguments need much more nuance than is offered in this piece.

I also wonder how much the higher standards plays a part in this kind of thing. If person A believes tasks like vacuuming need to occur weekly, and person B believes they need to occur bi-weekly then person B will either suffer an emotional tax for not having their expectations met or an EFT managing their preferred outcome with some form of nagging.

Lastly, can we just ditch things like get well soon cards, someone getting sick doesn't have to be met with a $5 donation to hallmark with some platitudes. If you really cared you'd improve minimum pay and sick leave entitlements so people didn't have to turn up to work sick.

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"I find it funny that the author suggests that husbands have more time for hobbies and friends;"

It's not funny - it's the designed outcome. The studies are generally biased from the start to exclude stereotypical men's work. From the Michigan study:

"Excluded from these “core” housework hours were tasks like gardening, home repairs, or washing the car."

Or from the article:

"Is their decision-making ability wholly captured in those tasks while the other person is getting to relax or to plan a project?"

As if planning a project isn't work and isn't composed of a whole bunch of smaller decisions.

"I also wonder how much the higher standards plays a part in this kind of thing. If person A believes tasks like vacuuming need to occur weekly, and person B believes they need to occur bi-weekly..."

This is huge in my experience. One factor is stuff like OCD or expectations of how that person was raised. The other overlooked one is "ownership" or responsibility. It was a point of pride to maintain the home and recieve compliments on or (or maintain the lawn/car/etc). Now it seems it's all about the biggest paycheck or most prestigious job.

> I find it funny that the author suggests that husbands have more time for hobbies and friends;

I remember handing my father in law an article detailing "tasks women do that are invisible to men".

His reply: "It says here that I'm a woman."

I've found that it's less about who is more burdened, but how the burden is dealt with.

Case in point: I prefer assigning responsibilities, my SO having everyone watch over everything - we're not the only household where the divide lies here.

It's hard, because our respective approaches drive the other party up the wall.

> If person A believes tasks like vacuuming need to occur weekly, and person B believes they need to occur bi-weekly then person B will either suffer an emotional tax for not having their expectations met or an EFT managing their preferred outcome with some form of nagging.

Oh dear. No two people have identical preferences across all household management tasks. Does that doom us to “emotional taxes” or “executive function theft”?

Of course not!! People who live together come to an agreement about the things that matter to them.

However this is easier said than done: It is not trivial to surface all these issues, and issues un-surfaced do indeed fall into the pathological dichotomy above.

To that end, (and in particular for working parents) I heartily recommend Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and the process it describes. It’s not easy to identify and mitigate all these deltas, and submitting to the books guidance mitigates the formidable cognitive load of the process.

The full quote I think you should reference is. "he can devote this time to hobbies, relaxation, exercise, hanging out with friends, sleep, work and/or continued education."

You've addressed one item out of seven indicating that you're not aware of the context or nuance involved in gender inequality in the home.

Person B could just vacuum (assuming B wants vacuuming twice a week).

If I really cared I would somehow be able to wave my magic wand and implement sick leave entitlements and other demands? No. Reality doesn't work like that.

A card is far more in the realm of possible things I can do. Caring does not confer capability.

If I don't subscribe to the whole get well soon culture with cards and balloons, I'm not thieving someone else's executive function because I never organize the events.

Time to fight for human rights in your country ig?

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