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and if you don't have a facebook, twitter, instagram, or any social media account?

Nobody will believe it and you will be subjected to a cavity search of your butt.

Recently, I was required to sign an affadavit affirming that I do not use email.

Would hackernews commentary accounts require disclosement?

Then you would disclose that information.

(Did the average age on HN go down recently?)

I believe the implication is that you wouldn't be believed. Did you hit your head? If so, you should get it checked out.

No need to be overly snarky.